I'm an introvert myself, but with my recent marital issues I've needed the support of other people more than I ever have in the past. I've learned to appreciate the warmth and kindness of other people, even total strangers, and it's helped me become a better person.
With regard to GAL, I talked to a DB coach and he said that the GAL should be something that truly excites and energizes you, and your excitement should be infectious so that others can tell that you're excited. I kept thinking in terms of outdoor sporting activities or possibly something like restoring an old car. Then I realized that what would really excite me and get my blood flowing is trying to build a little tech startup business. The probability that a tech startup would be successful is very small, but that's not the point; what's important is that it excites me and gets my mind off of my marriage.
W went away on Saturday as she told me. She said that she was going to spend time alone to think but who can know if that was true or not. Sunday we met as planned before lunch with her family and she was cheerful and smiling which I mentioned to her that it was nice to see. I didn't ask any questions about her night and she didn't tell.
Lunch was generally nice and my in-laws seemed genuinely glad to see me and I was glad to see them. I think that helped reinforce that despite her throwing "you don't like my family" at me it wasn't true. The only exception was my sister in law who tried to derail the lunch for her parents with her own drama. She managed to do that later anyway and make her parent's 62nd anniversary all about her drama and dragged up every scandal in the family for 3 generations. Ours was not mentioned.
After we left we went grocery shopping and my SIL called W on her cells and started to pry - is anything wrong? - Did you want to talk? W shut her down. No telling if they talked later. Since we had separate vehicles W gave me a hug and then a big cheery wave from her car as we went home. Home was fine with us doing our separate things. W went for a multi-hour walk with one of here more stable friends and I went for a 1/2 hour in a differrent direction. At bed-time she told me good night and we wished each other a pleasant sleep.
Is this a turn? Is it "cake-eating"? Who knows. I keep telling myself to not hope.
I need to decide if I'm going to get her a Mother's Day card - I think I will for when S22 comes home this weekend. I'm pretty sure he's very worried about what is going on because I've had to cancel our usual dinner because things were rough at home and his mother is depressed.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
I must confess - I snooped into our shared bank account, credit card and W's bank account online. She seems to have managed to stay somewhere for free on Saturday. Even though I suspected she stayed with OM, it still hurts especially that she was so cheerful after. I hope she's enjoying her cake. I really hope she finds her road forward because this is killing me.
Well - I need to be oblivious and pretend I don't suspect/know/care. It was a couple of days ago and today is a new day. She hasn't said that the affair was going to stop and it would appear that it hasn't despite my wishful thinking.
This is going to be a very long road I think. One step at a time.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Well - yesterday afternoon was tough. I had to stop on the way home to wipe away the tears and get myself together. I also stopped on the way home and got a Mother's Day card for her. I'm going to write in it. "Together we have raised two wonderful people. You have a family to be proud of." - No R talk in that I think but hopefully a reminder of what she'll be walking away from without being too blunt or needy. I was tempted to also pick her up flowers but I need to not be pursuing. I don't think she's ready for that.
W was out with her youth group so when she got home (late) I was still up so I put on a cheerful face and asked her about her day. She looked like hell and had a rough day - couldn't get herself organized at work etc. I validated and then got out of her way so she could use the master bath to get ready for bed. I had a bit of a cry through the night but woke up fairly refreshed.
This morning I got my routine together. Usually I linger over my breakfast to allow her to shower first but today I said "screw it" and went in while she was still stirring. I was then able to be dressed and out the door so she could see how good I looked today. I got a smile to a joke during the good byes and then stopped on the way to work to SnapChat her a picture of the sunrise with the caption "A new day is dawning". I was pleased to get a prompt response about the beautiful picture.
Why oh why was I such a fool to let her slip away from me. The hardest thing is to not live for hope but to live for the future.
I go to the IC tomorrow evening again - for my second and possibly last visit. We'll see if I can get some solid action plans on how to GAL and rebuild rather than talking about issues with my parents, drinking (been over 2 weeks completely dry) and making sure I pay her bill right away.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
I also stopped on the way home and got a Mother's Day card for her. I'm going to write in it. "Together we have raised two wonderful people. You have a family to be proud of."
I was still up so I put on a cheerful face and asked her about her day.
stopped on the way to work to SnapChat her a picture of the sunrise with the caption "A new day is dawning".
How are these things NOT pursuing?
Why are you giving her a Mother's Day card? The kids are adults....they can do it themselves. Looks like you are trying to remind her of the importance of her (your) family.
Darknes - you are correct - that could well be pursuing. I don't think that there are solid lines about what is "right" or "wrong" here.
I started to write a long justification for each of the points but then deleted that. I think what it comes down to for me is becoming the sort of man that I want to be for myself and that she would want to be married to. That person is kind and caring and knows the importance of Mother's Day and sunrises. At the same time I am trying to give her space to figure out her own heart while making sure she knows that I still care and am waiting for her.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Because my love for her is bigger than any affair and I believe in forgiveness. If I wasn't trying to save my marriage I wouldn't be here and would have "kicked her cheating ass to to the curb".
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Because my love for her is bigger than any affair and I believe in forgiveness. If I wasn't trying to save my marriage I wouldn't be here and would have "kicked her cheating ass to to the curb".
I think you are misunderstanding me. I am absolutely not suggesting that you kick her to the curb. Im not suggesting that you cant forgive her. Im not suggesting that the two of you cant overcome this. I also believe very strongly in marriage and have no inclination towards divorce in situations not involving spousal abuse.
What I am suggesting is that you arent going to "nice guy" her back. I do not believe that these romantic gestures of pointing out her wonderful family and sending sunrises with emotional captions are going to change her mind about you. All that they are doing is reminding her of the feelings that she should have but doesnt.
Your wife was with someone else a few days ago, and you are standing around showing her that you will welcome her back with open arms. You are showing her that you are content to be her Plan B.
If you are OK with being her Plan B, why would she ever turn away from Plan A knowing that she has a safety net?
she knows how you feel about her. Stop telling her. Reminding her about it, like darknes said, only reminds her that she's not feeling that at the moment.
You need to detach. It's very hard to do, and I am just now figuring that out myself. It's not natural. You want to tell them how you feel, but now is not that time.
