It is exactly and there are great quotes in these threads from people Sandi has mentioned. Coach, Robx, puppy dog tails. For me, in my thread we ask questions, we look for support, how to move forward for ourselves. I found many answers to my questions in this thread
I have felt more at peace these last few days than I have in a long time. It is about getting ourselves back, my IC told me that I was on a path to breakdown last year. In some ways what my WW has done, saved me from continuing down that path. Do I agree with her actions, not at all, and she has hurt me heavily over the past year or so. I have come to the acceptance that my M is dead, is there a new one later, I don't know but what I do know is that with the work I'm doing, ironing out the wrinkles, someone will get a great guy.
My WAW chose friends over family and a loser over me in a time I needed support, I deserve someone that is prepared to stand up and be counted as much as they expect me to be with them. I have realized that my W is emotionally immature, always has been. The few times I have needed to lean, she has ran. I want someone stronger than that, someone that takes ownership of their failings without blaming me. Someone that wants to be with me no matter what difficulties life throws at us. Do I see my W becoming that, actually no I don't. My W has regularly talked the talk but rarely walked the walk.
I think that we could all copy/paste what you're saying about our lives and those of the WS/WASs. Mine does not stand a change with her current support system.
This is a wake up call, better now than never. It hurts like hell, but at least we're not in hell with them.
In a year or two, we will look back and hopefully be able to see how it all fit together to get us where we're going.
Just cos things are going right, doesn't mean that they were always wrong.
"I am sincerely sorry for all the hurt I put you thru D, I really hope one day you will believe that and trust in the fact that I really did and still love you, yes my love have changed and maybe I am to blame for allowing a third party into our marriage and not being strong enough to fight for my family in keeping it together.
Still cant believe this is the end of the road for us. I feel sad thinking about it.".
I'm thinking of replying...
I understand that you are sorry, I would be sorry if I had done the same thing to you. You are to blame for bringing a third party into our marriage. All that you had to was reach out. Now it is too late.
Marriage is about never giving up and we both gave up. It's now time to go our separate ways.
All good things, and bad things have to come to an end.
Last edited by Cadet; 05/03/1604:49 AM. Reason: edit name
Just cos things are going right, doesn't mean that they were always wrong.
well, i'm driving forward with the D, and she's having second thoughts. I need to state that D is the only answer, it really is for me now. But i sense remorse, and want to validate her.
I do think that no response would actually be best.
Just cos things are going right, doesn't mean that they were always wrong.
I understand that you are sorry, I would be sorry if I had done the same thing to you. This makes it seem like her choice was about hurting you. It wasnt. It was her being selfish. Your pain is a side effect. Dont make this about you.
You are to blame for bringing a third party into our marriage. Oh. Wow. Dont say this. Throwing blame and guilt and shame around isnt a great idea to do anything but hurt her.
All that you had to was reach out. Now it is too late. So this is all on her then? Wheres your share?
Marriage is about never giving up and we both gave up. It's now time to go our separate ways. All good things, and bad things have to come to an end. ...lecturing...
Detach (from WW and lose control) • Do not start 100% of all conversations - What do you mean "do not start 100%"? Dont start ANY? • Do not get drawn into 100% of all possible arguments - Arguments arent inherently bad. What is bad is spiraling and getting off message. It's OK to disagree. Its in HOW you disagree that is critical to maintaining a healthy R. • Do not check Tracker when my WW is out • Keep my phone off when my WW is out • Consciously remove control over others when I interact with them - - How will you measure this? • Do not react to anything anyone says or does, pause and then consider my response
Improve myself (GAL) • I need to go to gym at least 3 to 4 days a week. My gym bag must remain in the car so that I can simply state that “I’m going out”. • I need to stop eating junk-food, and actually start eating. I need to keep healthy snacks to boost my nutrition. - Good. Do you have a clear target for acceptable/unacceptable? • I need to get out every day that I can, even if it’s a drive to sit somewhere and soak up nature. I need to try and see more live sports and spend time with my long lost family and friends. - Be more specific. Is "getting out" include walking to the mailbox? Add a quantity of time. Also, dont say "try" in a goal. Its a goal...it's OK if you dont hit it. What do you want? twice a month? weekly?
Understand boundaries and implement some • I think that I’m starting to get what boundaries are. The big emotional one will be no intimacy with my WW. The longer I can keep her off me, the stronger I will get. I will know that I will have achieved it if the day to sign the D papers come and I’ve still not given off. - Define intimacy. Hug? Kiss? R talk? Sex?
Appreciate the little things
• I think that here I need to affirm my WW whenever she does anything that is not selfish, and is her going out of her way for me, or our son. Perhaps hitting 100% of affirmations, and understanding where I did not. - So you want to appreciate "the little things" or appreciate "her"? [/quote]
One thing that strikes me as odd is that you dont have any goals about your relationship with your son. How do you feel that relationship is?
ok, i'm not going to respond to her email. anything i say can be misinterpreted. I guess that the lesson is knowing when to say nothing at all?
All that you had to was reach out. Now it is too late. So this is all on her then? Wheres your share? I know what my share is and that's what i'm fixing, I almost acted on my waywardness, she believes that that was the tipping point to opening the door for her, well that's what she says.
Just cos things are going right, doesn't mean that they were always wrong.
