Perhaps for the card and compliments keep them in the context of the kids. "Great Mom to our Children" sort of thing. That way it validates her efforts without bringing up the R.
Things appear to be thawing between myself and W and especially since S22 is coming home for Mother's Day I plan on a simple basic card about motherhood. Might help remind her about the whole family and help her think beyond just herself. Originally I was going to ignore Mother's Day but was worried that would backfire on me.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Hi JksD That is a very helpful post. Aside from a couple emails I've had no contact w my H since he walked out 3 weeks ago. No phone calls, no face to face. Luckily for me he blocked my calls/texts immediately - he didn't know I had no intention of pursuing him, but it did help eliminate the temptation to do so. The only thing I've noticed in terms of tiny changes as Michelle mentions in DR book is the tone of his emails is softer, he even said 'hope you are well' yesterday, which made me want to throw something but if I see it as an innocent comment it's good. My snarky self things - sure, he hopes I'm well so he doesn't feel guilty. Anyhow, in my case, being the classic pursuer in our M and he being the distancer, I would imagine he is surprised by my total elimination of any M talk in emails, efforts to see him, process etc. When he first left he said - I won't process this. You can't fix this - Well, I know that is his way of defending himself against what he thought I would do. Hopefully I am surprising him. I also like what you said about using NC to protect self, as yesterday even an email triggered a lot of not so helpful emotions. Thanks for your insights.
HI Sandi and all, I am confused. I read a couple articles on the site and a story in the end of the DR book where the LBS decides to make a real effort to build the friendship and it eventually leads back to the reconciling of the M and piecing etc. Yet in other posts I see this idea criticized. In my case, I know I was being emotionally inauthentic for past few months with my H and the idea of rekindling our friendship, once I can handle it emotionally, without the pressure of working on the M seems one possible way with my H to have the outcome I desire. How do you know if and when this is a good idea. I know for SURE if I insisted on talking about our M right now, that would push him away even more. He's living with friends. only contact via email in past 3 weeks since he left, all initiated by him. Thanks for any insights.
I'm not so sure that going the friends route would be the way to go to reconciliation, if that is what you want. Some WW/WAW spouses use the "friend" idea as a way to ease their own guilt. I guess if children are involved, it makes it a little easier. Quite honestly, I'm not so sure I could ever be friends with my STBXW. I just don't have it in me. Now, if I knew for certain that it would open the door to reconciliation, then maybe. But I didn't sign up for buddies, and told her that. I'm not going to be like her past exes that ended up as friends. In the future? Who knows, but not anytime soon.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
Hi Jeep74, thanks for your thoughts. I guess every situation is different. Since I really don't know what the hell is going on in my H's mind, to me it seems like a good idea in terms of starting to eventually spend time together that is fun, stress free and calm. That is what he wants and I think that would open his heart, eventually, although I'm probably mind reading, so what do I know. If he doesn't see me, and we have little contact and don't do anything together, I don't see how he'll just wake up one day and decide he wants to get back in the M game. Time is my friend! Sorry for your sitch. jesus. sounds hard
I am glad that your W is being a good parent. I think ultimately the kids are most important; they are the only real victims in our mess. I hope she can keep up these positive changes for herself and for the kids.
In terms of Mother's Day, I don't think you should give her any card or gift that is from you. Same as any other holiday. You don't have an R right now; the only R is about the kids/logistics.
That being said, I think it would be nice to take your kids to get gifts and cards for her from them. That in itself is a caring gesture. It is also a good value to teach your children; right now their perspective is more important than hers! You are also showing her that you still value her as their mother.
Just my 2 cents, Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
That will work. Flower should be something inexpensive so it does not look like pursuing.
H-46 XW-38 T-7 M-6 S-9,8,8,6,4 S 11/30/15, I filed 12/8/15 EA 2/1/16 D dismissed 3/24/16 PA 3/18/16 confirmed 4/22/16 XW files for D 4/1/16 - D final 11/17/16 Finally moving forward...
i got jumped by her when i went over today to pick up some things out of the garage. she just came right out and said, "its over" ,"i dont think its going to work between us"
i calmly, said well, do what you gotta do. im taking my time with my thoughts before i descide.
then she asked, can we still be friends if we divorce. i said no, i cannot have a friendship with you. either we are married or nothing. i will drop the kids off at the curb. and that will be the extent of our existance.
i pack up and left. when i got home i had recieved a mile long text from her. saying that for this to work, we both need to be in it 100%. that she doesnt know if she could ever be close to me. but living in limbo is killing her.
oh, the waffling and boldness is catching me off guard. emotionally im fine. i expect this flip flopping and im used to it. but she is getting more and more bold and closer to the next step, what ever that may be.
