Thanks everyone. Last time I cut the grass myself and the previous time I asked him to do it. So really this time I wanted to see if he was going to do it by himself as I had to always asked him to do things around the house. Cutting the grass wasn't anything of the ordinary as it was his day to come and see the kids anyway.
I can't describe it but H has a way to manipulate people in a very subtitle way. Basically he'll let people do what they want, then he'll wait for them to change but not him. So it does comfort him in his views that he is always right and others are wrong. That is what I'm finding it hard to deal with, as no matter what I do/ did I get no response from him.
I guess I should count myself lucky that he hasn't introduced OW to our kids and that he hasn't filed yet! I really don't know how to dance with him.
Like you IP I don't know if I really love him or is it the memories of him before all this! I have a good life: a job I enjoy, two loving kids, a fab dog, a great house ( sold but still great); I have friends and I have done things I'd never done if I still was with H ( like going out with friends, eating in restaurants),on those areas I feel whole and accomplished, the only grey area is my sentimental life.
HOla mi amor! Como estas? Doing well here. Glad to hear you focusing on the positive. You are amazing as ever and I am thankful to know you. Take care of yourself and I hope you find a reason to smile today. God Bless you!
M:53 W:47 M:15 years. S:18 S's: 30 & 28 from previous marriage. BD: 3/14 Divorced January 17.
What a week! I have been up and down every single day. What's wrong with me. I'm also really tired and work has been demanding. I'm on a down path, do really know why as if I look at my life now in the last 14 months I have dime more things than during my 10 years marriage! Interaction with H is to a minimum but he stayed longer last time he came round to see kids! Tonight I feel guilty like I have been told off like a child by H. I'm away for the weekend and told him that I'd be leaving at a certain time, so he can be in the house. So tonight I said that I'll see him normal time and he tells me it never a give and take with you! I went I'm sorry and he said because I told him I won't leave before lunch he had made other plans! He usually has his kids from 10 am every Sat! It's not that he has other plans but it's his voice tone, I really felt told off like a stupid child! I thought he'd take the opportunity to be with his kids more than he has so far. He's going to have to get used to it as in a month time, the alternate weekend will start!
Why can't I switch off my feelings? Why am I still hoping for R, when everyone on this board can see that it'll never happen? Why do I think that I can't get better than H? Normally I'd have replied to his comments but I didn't, so why am bothered about how I act around him? I can see that he is selfish and clearly now I'm just a bother for him, so why can't I move on like he did? My mind can see things clearly, so why does my heart still hold on to the hope that I'll get my H back? If I was single and would have been spoken to like how he did tonight, I'd have walked away, so why can't i do?
Rouky, Your h detached from you and the relationship at least 2 years before he dropped the bomb about not being happy, etc. So, he's had ample time to become a detached individual. You, on the other hand, are just starting the journey and are still on the emotional roller coaster.
When he says that it's never a give and take with you...tell him" I'm sorry you feel that way" and walk away. Don't take those type of comments personally. It's all about him, how he feels and yes, how he sees the situation for what it is. He made that statement to get under your skin because you are going away and he's not happy about it.
Rouky, just be yourself. The calmer you are around him, the better. Keep your voice calm and even and always look him in the eye. Trust me, in a few months, you will have mastered some of the art of detaching and you won't allow him to get under your skin as much.
Go and have some fun and don't allow his behavior and comments to ruin your weekend. He's not worth it right now.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Aw Rouky, I'm sorry you've had a bad week. Must be something in the air as I've been up and down too!
[quote-Rouky]Why can't I switch off my feelings? Why am I still hoping for R, when everyone on this board can see that it'll never happen? Why do I think that I can't get better than H? Normally I'd have replied to his comments but I didn't, so why am bothered about how I act around him? I can see that he is selfish and clearly now I'm just a bother for him, so why can't I move on like he did? My mind can see things clearly, so why does my heart still hold on to the hope that I'll get my H back? If I was single and would have been spoken to like how he did tonight, I'd have walked away, so why can't i do? [/quote]
I think we all feel this way. Deep down I think we know that we can do better, it's just that we don't want to because we didn't want our Hs to become this way and do this to us, and we just want the guy we fell in love with and married back! My Dad keeps telling me I'm chasing a shadow and that H is not the man he was. I know he's right but it just hurts so much to know that. It is easier to walk away when you're single and someone treats you badly: there isn't as much at stake and you can walk away cleanly whereas because we have kids with our Hs we know deep down we will never, ever be truly away from them.
Do you have any nice plans for the weekend? How are the kids coping with it all?
Hi Rouky! Just checking to see how you are. I hope you are having a fun weekend. How is work? How is IC? Are you getting outside any? Keep up the hard work. Praying for peace!
M:53 W:47 M:15 years. S:18 S's: 30 & 28 from previous marriage. BD: 3/14 Divorced January 17.
I'm sorry in advance as here is the only place where I can say what I feel without being judged. A year ago I joined this forum in the hope that I'd be able to save my M, now a year on (and still on the roller coaster) I have finally understood that it was all about saving me. For the last few days things have started to fall into place and I see that I'm on a spiritual journey to rediscover myself.
It all started with my girly weekend for my friend's 40th. I didn't know any of her friends but they all made me felt welcome and we had such a great time. I had a great chat with my friend and I never realised how much she loves and cares for me.
Then it carried on by talking with a colleague who has just started to work for us and I don't know why we started to talk about God, the fact that things happen for a reason. After talking to her I finally realised that none of this is my fault ( I have accepted my part in it) and I'm beginning to show compassion to myself.
I have realised that I'm enough as I am and that H was part of my journey to become a better me. I still love him and at times I have a slight pinch in my heart but it isn't as hurtful as a couple of weeks ago. Have I finally let go? Maybe. I was depressed since birth of my first child and I was hoping that H could provide me with happiness but it doesn't work that way. It has only hit me recently that I'm the captain of the Rouky ship, not someone else. I think H's A was the wake up call I needed to take charge of my life and live it how I should be. If I had still been with H I'd have never been allowed to go away like that. I'm out for a stand up comedy tomorrow and for a meal the next day. And again I'd have never done that with him around. In the last 14 months I have been out more then I have in 12 years with H.
Interactions with H are funny. I never know what to expect from him, so now I don't expect anything. A couple of nights ago he came late and left earlier than usual, so hardly spent time with his kids, whereas the previous time he left later. Again tonight he left way later than usual and was on time! We managed to have a civil conversation about me moving and him offering some advice ( which I validated); he started to talk about his job, and I listened. He even asked me if I did transfer some money to him, and only that told me that H isn't his self. He knows what I'm like regarding finances and when I say I'll do something related to money it is done straight away! I'm under now illusion that he still leaves with OW, and even if I wished he was with me not her, he deserves to be happy and if she can make him happy I have to accept that.
I also have been on a couple of dates with no expectations and had a great time. I'm not in rush to enter another relationship and it's very enlightening for me to meet new people as I have always been shy and this is very out of my comfort zone.
Just need a final advice. I want to send a text to H to thank him for the advice he gave me today and I wanted to run it by you:"Thank you very much for your generous advice as I realise you had no obligation to do so". Any comments?
Hey Rouky it is thrilling to hear you are out having a good time. Also great to hear that you aren't beating yourself up as badly as you once did. You are a special person and something wonderful is in store for you. As for interaction with your husband, I feel like you are still putting a little too much importance on his actions/reactions. Keep trying to detach and keep up the GAL. It is working for you. Love you as always!
M:53 W:47 M:15 years. S:18 S's: 30 & 28 from previous marriage. BD: 3/14 Divorced January 17.
Rouky, You certainly won't be judged by me! We all come here in the hopes of finding something that will help us save our marriage and yet, a year, maybe two or more, we come to realize that we are actually saving ourselves in the process.
I'm glad you enjoyed the girly weekend and you know what? You are finding your way and as each day passes, you will rediscover more and more about yourself and you will also begin to open doors to the world out there and then start stepping outside your comfort zone. The world is waiting for you!
I'm glad you've been on a couple of dates and had some fun. As for your interactions w/your h, continue as you have been.
Rouky, I'm very proud of you. Don't sweat the small stuff...you've got this and I can't wait to see you blossom even further into a beautiful, more self-confident woman who isn't afraid to tackle anything!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
