i just stopped to check in on Cherry. Thanks for the heads up Grl.
H: 44, Me: 45 Married: 20 y Together: 25 y no kids Walk away: 12/15 Asked for temp separation 12/25/15 PA confirmed 3/16 (apparently neither the first, nor the last PA he has had) H filed for D 5/16
I caught up with most of your thread. You seem like such a sincere, appreciative, and hard working person, and I am so sorry you are going through this.
Something that helped me put things into perspective early in my situation was that I would never ever want to be husband. I would never want to be the one to just neglect kid and walk away the way that he did. I would be ashamed. ( he is now in such a bizarre state of denial) I do not want to be him. I would not want the roles switched. I know that although I was emotional, I was also loyal and committed and willing to try.
Eventually your husband is going to be hit hard with what he did. He will hit rock bottom. in the mean time it sounds like despite the sadness, you are doing beautifully by really appreciating the things you do have. Don't forget all the great things about you! Keep posting about them! Not for nothing, but you already sound like a person only a fool would leave.
I really do appreciate what I have and I truly love my land and my family and my friends and my pets. Sometimes, though, all I feel is what I have lost. I keep hoping H will wake up and see what HE has lost, but right now all he seems to appreciate are the glittery new things in his life - new city, new apartment, new parties, new hobby, new and younger OW, new clothes, new friends, new social media existence with his own new little followers, new, new, new...
I'm just staid and steady old me, not glittery or new at all. After all this time, I'm old news.
I wish he would hit bottom, but he's too high right now. I would also be utterly ashamed of myself if I behaved like my H. He is a walking cliche of a MLC/WH, lying to every person in his life, and there is nothing to admire about that. Yuck.
Sometimes I think about our past issues and wonder if they were just a dress rehearsal for what he eventually did. How did I miss the signs of the real storm brewing and what could I have done differently? Again, it's not helpful right now, but these thoughts go through my head when I let down my guard. These are issues I'll be exploring with my grief counselor, though. The idea of "more, better, different" can keep us stuck in our grief.
SadHub, of course I tried the pencil smile!!!! I'll try anything right now if it might help. Besides, it a lot cheaper and easier than adding another doctor or therapist! Smiling again just thinking how silly I felt. I've got to go watch more of the videos you suggested.
Speaking of cheap therapy, I only did my mindfulness meditation once today, and I honestly can't remember if I did it yesterday. Oops. I am beyond scattered these days. I forget what I'm doing all day long. If I don't write it doen, then it may or may not have happened.
Bet you've got me on the run again in our little challenge.
I'm glad your D17 is feeling better and laughing again, and I hope you are, too. It's really the best medicine.
H: 44, Me: 45 Married: 20 y Together: 25 y no kids Walk away: 12/15 Asked for temp separation 12/25/15 PA confirmed 3/16 (apparently neither the first, nor the last PA he has had) H filed for D 5/16
Phoebe, I had a difficult time with meditation, and didn't love talk therapy but have just started hypnotherapy to help me with some obsessive thoughts about husband and it seems to help.
It's so hard not to focus on what spouse is doing and why they are wrong and selfish and inconsiderate. but it won't change anything. They are who they are, and we are who we are. And as you know that's where the attention has to be. I had/ have a really hard time letting go of my anger for the choices my husband made. But he is his own person and has the freedom to make those choices. I have the choice to obsess over him and be miserable, or accept that my life can be happy without him.
Just because he is the one that left, doesn't mean I was happy with our marriage either. my life is actually easier now. It took a week for my son to even realize that his dad wasn't living with us.
Of course we could have done differently. hindsight is always 20/20. We did the best we could at the time working with the skills we had. Now of course we are learning new skills to cope and Learning how to recognize our contributions to the marital demise. That says a lot. Although admittedly sad that motivating factor was spouse leaving.
This is such a long process. But you will get through it. Time really will heal.
Aw just seen on here that you ladies suggested checking up on me. This is such a lovely community, you can sense the genuine care and I love this.
I'm going to look up the pencil smile, seems like a neat trick.
I like ju's advise above. This is a long process. And sometimes it just seems so unfair that we have to go through all this struggle to heal. But you know whenever I think that, I look at my insane h and think- there is no way you are happy amongst this chaos. I can see looking at him that he is all over the place. And at times I actually pity him because that must be an awful place to live. But essentially, we are our own people. If they choose to fight through the fog and sort their issues- that is up to them. But we can certainly refuse to join them in their chaos and help ourselves. Whatever it takes to make us feel better and heal- we must. Because our lives will go on regardless
Me 26 H 25 M 4 T 5 Baby born 4/14 BD: 1/15 EA: 2/15 PA: 4/15 reconciling: 4/15 ILYBINILWY- 11/15 ILY-1/16 ILYBNILWY 4/16 ILY 6/16 ILYBINILWY 6/16 Baby due 3/17 BD 8/16
Smiling again just thinking how silly I felt. I've got to go watch more of the videos you suggested.