Hi Cherry, Sorry for slow response. Sounds challenging to live in the same house and be that detached from each other. How are you doing? Are you still sleeping well? Let me know what's new? bonne nuit
Hi Cherry, how are you? still sleeping ok? How do you manage living in the same house with him being so distant? sounds like a recipe for constant triggering... thanks for your message. Not doing so well today but tomorrow is another day!
Hi Rose 888, Thanks for your input on my post. Mostly the answer about the house vs guest house is that I love the guest house - it's a long story but it's just adorable and cozy and I think it would be healing. I definitely do not want to 'rip the bandaid off' yet. It's only been 3 weeks since he left! Haven't even seen each other in person and only contact via a few emails to deal with some money logistics. Today was the first time he said 'hope you are well' which at first I thought was a step in the right DB direction, but later felt angry...I'm sure he does hope I am so he doesn't have to feel guilty...but he really has no idea how I am. All he knows is that I have said absolutely nothing related to our fight or marriage or future in an email at any time since he left. felt really sad today, like how the heck did we get to this point? I need to work on my patience tomorrow, it's early days. I will check your posts in next couple days so I know your story. thanks for your thoughts.
Hi Vanilla and DBers, Today just feel I don't know anything, didn't sleep enough. Emotions all over the place. Nostalgia mixed with fear mixed with sadness and anger. Lovely. Would love some input on this scenario: yesterday H emailed me w questions about bills/ mutual bills etc. I found myself feeling really angry - all I wanted and tried to get him to help me with last couple years was to sit down once and have a money meeting, make plans etc. H was always resistant. Then I'd end up feeling resentful and frequently guilty as was left to deal with all the financial stuff alone, and since have a history of making some bad financial decisions and stuff w my Dad, a lot of fear built up. so eventually even I didn't want to bring up finances. One of our stresses in past year has been me underearning, though was also doing most of errands, cooking, cleaning etc. Now, I have a pt job but not enough to pay for all my bills. Afraid that if I tell him I still need some help for next month or so until find a ft job he'll be once again reminded that I am a 'burden' and this isn't what I want him to think right now. on the other hand, he did just friggin' WALK OUT on me 3 weeks ago. I know I need to handle this as an 'adult' vs. letting my codependent 12 year old run things, but unsure how to respond to his email. Trying not to feel like a total loser today and get a grip on the negative self talk. Will check out the info you mentioned on boundaries. gotta get those! thanks everybody.
Hi Vanilla and ? DBers, I was reading the Going Dark thread today and now feel a bit torn and confused. I have been the pursuer. I would guess he is a bit astounded that I haven't sent letters, tried to see him, and responded to his initiated emails in brief and friendly tone, with ZERO mention of the fight we had that led to his departure, or the future or anything that would be construed as 'pursuing'. It's now just over 3 weeks since he moved out. In one email he did say 'I'm glad we can be friends' after I'd said - as suggested by my DB coach - I respect your need for space right now. Neither of us have used the D word. I do not want to give him the impression though that I don't care and that I don't want to get back together. Right now I am being completely undemanding in any way. Have not seen each other in person yet. No way would I say anything like that in an email. Any thoughts? this is a man who wrote in a note and email a couple days after fight that he was 'done' and who is the distancer, while I have been the pursuer, which is sadly the dynamic that led to the fight. oh dear lord.
Pursuit and distance is a game. If you let go of playing the game then you detatch.
Going dark likely will not stop or reverse the dynamic. It's just another version of the game.
It only takes you to stop playing if you drop the rope.
Dropping the rope is about letting the dynamic go, it isn't about letting the other go. If you let go of the outcome R or no R are both outcomes you can live with.
This isn't NC, I have done NC for 12 months absolutely. Utley NC, 3 weeks is still in reactive space.
I think the most effective strategy is that of the lighthouse, being strong in keeping the light homenough. Being yourself authentic and friendly.
Consider the picnic by the lighthouse strategy.
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
HI LiM and Vanilla and DBers, ok, LiM, I mentioned I would write a post and ask some questions - after reading most of your posts (LiM) just feeling a bit confused about my next steps. Will be speaking to my DB coach this friday and my IC on Thursday. LiM- you are a wonder a wonder a wonder! Bravo!!!! About 1.5 weeks ago my H asked about the possibility of coming back to live on our property. We have a house and a guest house. A lot of space/privacy between the two. I had thought of this myself as a possibility. FYI - it will be four weeks ago this Friday that he moved out after a big fight we had. No plan, no talk, no discussion, Just boom, gone to stay with some friends. Since then there has been no contact initiated by me at all. A couple emails from him. The first re-stated that he was 'done.' When I surprised him by validating and saying 'I understand your need for space right now' he emailed back saying 'I am glad we can be friends and thank you for be in reasonable' Not precisely sure what this means, but one of our points of contention is that when I am stressed I am definitely not 'reasonable.' I would guess he is a bit surprised that I have not at any point pursued, texted or called and that I have not mentioned wanting to stay together or work on the M even though that is what I want of course. While we've had stress and difficulties in past year, we were still had some fun, did hikes and connected after work every day etc. Anyhow, he emailed me last Sunday and asked about some financial stuff and then asked about 'making a plan to move forward'. I have to respond eventually. I read a bunch of things on the web today about separations and using them to eventually reconcile. At the moment, I have to assume this is not what he has in mind, though it still is what I want. My quandry is,I am really pondering how to make this idea of living on our property together work for me. I know him well, and the last thing I think would work is saying, hell no, you can't come back unless you are willing to work on our M. I have a gut feeling that in our case, and actually got some guidance while meditating the other morning, that going the 'friend' route may be my best option. He will go into defensive mode super fast if he feels I am trying to make him DO anything or work on the M. But if I validate and am able to start rebuilding our friendship, there may be some hope of softening his heart. The biggest challenge for me is to figure out my boundaries and what I would need for me to have this work, and not be emotionally derailed by his presence. I don't want to get myself in a situation where I am emotionally triggered and upset all the time if I agree for him to come back but then he starts talking about D etc. Any thoughts on questions I really need to be asking myself would be most helpful. Our finances are not in great shape so him renting a place now is a bit unrealistic until I have a much better job. Ideally we would have some connection, work on garden together etc. and while I work on my own healing journey figure out a way to be loving to myself and him without being attached to the outcome. Yes, I can become a Buddha in a short time!!!! thank you all for listening!
Hi again, forgot to mention - I pondered what would be my #1 priority ground rule for this to work for me and that would be no dating others while we are still married. he is not the A type so I don't think this would be an issue. In my past I was the cheater - with ex boyfriends, not a husband - I just would NEVER do that again as it is just not worth it in any way shape or form. My H and I married when I was 42 - I've had lots of fun and that is definitely not on the map as vaguely interesting to me! I adore him.
LiM et all, Keep thinking of other key factors: 1. If my H doesn't feel safe, due to his triggers/ childhood stuff, history of depression, no connection is possible- obviously we all need to feel safe, but his need is heightened. another reason I keep thinking of the 'frienship' factor as a benefit.
2. He said when he left, in a note and later in an email - you can't fix this and I don't want to process this. So any attempts to even begin to talk about rebuilding the M at this point would likely backfire and put him back on the defensive. ok good night for real.
