Re: V is for Vanilla 29

[Vanilla]

I have spent the day resting. I hope it does me good.

I am feeling much better.

Just very tired I guess.

V

[rd500]

Hi Vanillia. I missed your post earlier but I'm so glad you feeling better now.

We need to be kind to ourselves when we are down and try to remember it's a feeling only and it will pass

Huge hug. Rd. xx

[mustardseed]

I have a fake birthday so I cant be traced and it very close to May 1. So I will enjoy your birthday wishes on that day.

Today is an anniversary of sorts, today STBXWH has been gone for 365 days, tomorrow is the anniversary of him having the door locked tight.

I still struggle with the abuse, I still suffer complex PTSD.

I want healing and it comes in big shift and then little for a long while.

I can not explain to anyone how bad the abuse was, I wouldn't be believed. Nor can I explain why I let it happen to me or why I denied it to myself for so long. Why I took the blame and brunt of another's wayward behaviour, attitudes and beliefs. And I can't explain why I can't heal and I can see no resistance within me.

I am sometimes so anxious and frightened. At others so down and immobile.

Sleep is not healing, food has little taste and despite all mornings are really hard work. I am sluggish and my weight isn't shifting despite all my efforts.

I want real love in my life, the real deal, not the fake stuff offered by a wayward compulsive.

I am down today

V

I've been feeling very much this way these past few weeks. Progress of getting seeing an end, memories of last year's trauma, the shock has warn off. The dust is settling. And sometimes when the quiet comes sometimes there are cries from the past that haunt. Where I thought I would be today two years ago was happily rebuilding my marriage. Where I was last year was in hell. Where I am now is a strange unknown. I phase in life I never wanted, or planned for, or dreamed of. It isn't bad--it certainly better than what I had. But I don't quite know what to do with it yet, or where to proceed from here. Sweet V, I wonder if you are caught in the same sort of wave.

This is still limbo. Until STBxWH is XWH we will be. And perhaps for a time after. I don't know. It isn't a sign of weakness or back slipping to feel sad and exhausted. It is ok for us to let the optimism and PMA slip for a moment while we feel what we need to feel. It will recharge us. The cold cruel winter is over, summer is coming. Right now is transition.

[Phoebe]

I am sorry that you are having a hard day today, Vanilla. Know that I am one of the many who are grateful that you are here to offer insight to those of us muddling through our messy lives. I hope that the day brings you healing and peace.

(((Vanilla)))

[Zephyr]

hey V, hope you are feeling better today!

[SH_]

Good evening Sweet V.

I wanted to drop by and see if your day has been a good one.

((((Vanilla))))

[Vanilla]

All

Working too hard will post in detail when I have slept.

RD, look for a link in by searching with certain key words.

Custard loving accountants like Vanilla flavours in their name, especially if they live in the UK.

You never know if you can find me working for companies which are Vanilla too.

Big hugs

V

[Vanilla]

I am doing well today.

Tomorrow will be better

V

[SH_]

It's good to hear you are doing well and looking forward to an even better day tomorrow.

(((Vanilla)))

[rd500]

Hi Vanillia. I may be being dense but only one place seems to fit your description and its in notts. I thought you were on south coast. When are you over as I would hate to miss you. If needed I will be in Dublin airport from now on