Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
Thank you Cadet and Wonka Funny you sent that today - although my H is not currently living at our house, I hid the book out of site before I left this am just in case he should ever decide to pop by unannounced, highly unlikely but you never know. THANKS for that!
Hi Vanilla, Thanks for your input...I will check out the love languages info you mentioned. Yes, I suppose I have been doing some 'mind reading' based on what I know about my H. Working with my therapist a lot this past week on my codependency issues and getting a lot more aware of what I've been doing that doesn't work. Plus listening to Marianne Williamson on days like today when I haven't slept enough and know that really, nothing I think will be helpful! Wednesday this week was the first time I got REALLY f'ing angry for the first time. Not blaming, but stunned and mad at this person who says that having an open heart is one of his purposes in life. Back to feeling compassionate today for the most part. Thanks for your help.
Hi LiM, Well, on second thought, I decided to make him wait some more before I say it's ok for him to come back to live in our house.
Been seeing my therapist 2x week, doing a lot of soul searching, meditating, long walks and really getting clear on where I dropped the ball in my department in the past year.
I have had no indication whatsoever that he would be coming back to 'work' on our M right now. I do think there is hope, as that's the sort of person I am, very optimistic about my current ability to create change in myself and know this is a big wake up call for my life.
On days when I sleep well I feel positive and know it's been only 3 weeks since this all happened so know that anything is possible. I am not confused about what I want!
Could really use a pep talk from you to keep my spirits up as today been feeling very sad. I am willing to be very patient as I know I have to be.
Not ready for him to come back and tell me once again that he's 'done' and not give us a second chance. That is my worst fear at the moment so I try to not think about it!
How is your piecing going? I will check your posts later. I've been away for a few days. THANKS and hope all is well with you. And I am working on my GAL!
At first glance, it appears you have a WAH. But its strange that he's come around so quickly. Its possible that he really isn't "done" and was maybe just having a bad day and over reacted to your fight. On the other hand "I'm done" is some pretty strong language and doesn't leave much room for interpretation. So I'm going to comment as if he truly is a WAH and what you might should be doing if he is I do see a few red flags. First of all, you are clearly NOT detached. I strongly believe that is the most important thing you need to accomplish and you need to do it first. Its imperative. You are hanging on his every word and action. That has to stop and you need to focus on yourself. You need to take a long hard look at yourself and see what you need to work on. What can you 180? How can you GAL. All of this is important. The next thing is your self admitted codependency issues. You must address that. At a bear minimum, you need to get and read CoDependent No More. What about CODA? Do you have that in your area. Codependency is not good for you, for your H or your MR. That has to be addressed. You haven't "fixed" yourself in just a few short weeks. You've only begun to make the changes you need to make so don't expect him to be seeing the brand new LandC so quickly. Change is hard and takes a lot of effort. Its very strange to me that someone who is "done" is ready to come back so quickly. I've gone from BD to piecing in just 4 short months. That is LIGHT SPEED. These things never turn around that quickly. No two situations are the same but I'm concerned that he is wanting to just walk back into your life after saying he was done a few weeks ago. I also concerned by his comment about wanting to be "friends." You don't want a friend. You want your H. The question is why does he really want to come back? Is it because he's tired of staying with friends or is it because he truly wants to work on the R? I don't know. Only you can figure that out. It just all seems very odd to me after making such a strong stand on the R. I don't think you should be moving to the guest house. I think you should be staying in the MRB. Let him stay in the guest house unless you have a good reason for that arrangement.
Hi LandC,
I am sorry for what you are going through! We are here for you. I have been there and my H has been back for a year now. It is still hard work. So what I will say is that all of this takes a very long time--from separating, to DBing, to breaking codependency, to finding yourself, to both people wanting to reconcile, and then there is piecing--and each step can take many months to years.
I quoted Lim here because almost everything he wrote, I have been thinking as a read your sitch as well! DB is not about proving to your H that you have changed and he should come back, it is about true detachment and self growth. That can only come with taking a giant step back, focussing on yourself and your needs aside from him, and then with time.
So if I may, I would encourage you to try and really, really look at your life and find strength without him. Do you really want to be friends with him? Are you really okay with him deciding to just come back after he has hurt you like this? I think you also deserve someone that knows how to treat you better than that. Perhaps he could use some space & time for self growth as well. There is always more time.
-Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
Hi Blu, Thank you so much for your thoughtful post. I just went through all of your posts and now know how much you have grown and are now helping us! thank you. For starters, in a way I am feeling stronger every day. I do go for hours and hours without thinking about him! But also, I am living in our house, with photos of us in the house etc. and I have a ritual - I light a candle in front of our wedding photo and say a prayer in front of a card he once wrote me that is very beautiful - to the continual reawakening of joy, love, acceptance and heart. Then I go about my day. If I sleep well, I'm grounded, I meditate, I walk, I take care of myself, and I am ok. Some days if I don't sleep enough it's harder, but I just do not take anything I think seriously, put on a Marianne Williamson video from youtube and fill my brain with the good stuff about love and forgiveness and growth. I am absolutely clear on what I need to be doing for myself. This is not new behavior on my part, it was just exacerbated in past year...the more I felt down on myself for not finding a better job and making more money, combined with allowing my codependent behaviors to run my life and therefore make me a fearful, over caretaking, husband-pleasing, conflict avoiding automaton, the worse things got in my soul. We were still having some fun, hanging out together, listening to music, going on hikes, etc. it was not a situation where we were constantly fighting or arguing etc. Still a lot of cuddling, endearments with each other etc. A few days before the big fight that led to his leaving he had sent me some super sweet messages. It wasn't like we were on the road to hell! I know from the note he left me the day after the fight that he thinks I brought out the worst in him. I think he freaked himself out with allowing his anger to erupt. I tend to be the one who takes responsibility for everything while he is the blamer. In the note he said he can't live with this sort of stress 'for the rest of his life.' A bit dramatic! To me none of this is either of our 'faults' it is the end result of a dynamic that wasn't working but in the past we figured it out. For the past couple years I've felt a sense of guilt for not being true to myself by letting some creative dreams fall by the wayside as I was stuck in this codependent loop where I think subconsciously that I have to 'do' things - cooking etc. to get love. This is from my childhood growing up in the chaos with my alcoholic mother. This was my coping mechanism. I am working with my therapist to unearth all this and bring it to light to be healed. I am rambling! The biggest challenge is to detach ...and if that means giving up hope, well, don't feel like I am there yet! Like you I feel in my heart, in my intuition, that this will work out and we'll be together. Since I have only sporadic email communication with him now, I have little opportunity, thankfully, to focus on him or what he said or did, since I don't know what he's doing! of course I miss him a lot. I look in my closet and it's filled with all the thoughtful gifts he's given me over the years - he is a fabulous gift giver. Then it's hard to not feel like a loser, that I screwed this all up. But I know that's not true. I see this as an opportunity to be on my healing journey, and hopefully, and eventually, a healing journey for our M. I have a lot of work to do. I've lived alone a lot in my life. I've lived in foreign countries alone. I am very strong in many ways. My preference would be to to have this 'crisis' be a period where we both become stronger and more whole people. and then come back together. but I can only control my bit! thank you so much and you are an amazing person! it was very helpful what you said about your husband feeling guilty. not that I want my H to feel bad/guilty, but it's a reminder that he is most likely confused and sad. at least he isn't having an affair, that's something.
Having an alcoholic mother is a tough gig. Very tough.
Being with an addict creates a great deal of disharmony in a child's life, feelings of insecurity and a sense that life is uncertain. Children sometimes try to prevent an adult from drinking or think their own behaviour is a cause. In other cases they appease and become codependent or enabling, even conspiring with the alcoholic to hide the problem.
It's a setup for shame. In addition it can create a comfort zone in which future relationships are maintained. Chosing partners or finding sitches which match the childhood FOO. If the life partner doesn't cooperate then disharmony and dissonance. Discomfort in the R. That's the way I think of it.
Addiction is a major ACE factor. You are sensible to heal it, completely.
Hugs
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
Hi Vanilla, Well I'l be darn - I was just watching Brene Brown speaking on shame. Going to get her books and get a grip on this 'not enough' stuff. Yeah, my ACE score is 6. I should be a suicidal depressed alcoholic by now that is grossly overweight. thankfully I am none of those things. at least not today! I was lucky to also have many factors in my childhood and teen years that balanced out the chaos of the alcoholic home life - school and sports were my refuge. Today I am pondering the concept of 'detaching' and 'boundaries'. Have never known what they were really. At least I am becoming aware of the work to be done. Trying to balance out the shame with empathy for myself and the part of me who was the scared little girl trying to control the uncontrollable. As Brene Brown says shame cannot survive with empathy! Thanks for your post and helpful thoughts.
Hi DBers - Could use some help today - I was just writing in my journal that it's easy to be calm and centered and detached when I have endless days of solitude and hours to listen to inspiring videos about love and healing from Marianne Williamson etc, but not feeling triggered when I hear from my H is a different story. And then I checked my email and got the first msg from him for a while - on a positive note, for the first time he actually said 'I hope you are well'. This is a major shift in tone from the other emails I've received. Is that a step in the right direction brought on by my complete 'going dark'? But then he said he wants to 'make a plan about moving forward'. Now I know what my plan is, but if in his mind the plan is still to separate and be 'done' then I am not ready to hear that again. I immediately went into a constricted sense of fear in my body. He is still living with friends at this point. It's only been 3 weeks since he left. There has been a suggestion on his part - although I had thought of it as well but not mentioned it, for him to come back to live in our house and I would live in our guest house. In my dreams this works out for the next few months as a way to reconnect and rebuild our friendship but I would want to slow the D train down to a screeching halt if that is indeed what he has in mind ... he has never used this word. oh dear. I am terrified of having this conversation with him that I know I will eventually need to have in which I tell him I want time before any big decisions are made. Any help with this today would be so appreciated!!!! My intuition told me this morning that he is scared, confused and lonely. but I don't know the truth at all. I haven't seen him since he left. Thoughts and ideas?????? With such Gratitude!
I'm a rip-the-bandaid-off-fast kind of girl, so part of me would be glad to be out of limbo. On the other hand, I know more time this side of divorce is a gift, and I don't want to throw that away because I hate limbo.
Hugs.
On an unrelated note, I keep wondering why he would get the house? Since you are still living there, wouldn't it make more sense for him to go to the guest house? Apologies if you've already explained and I just missed it.
Me: 44 H: 44 Kids: 20, 16, 16, and 10 Together/Married: 22 years H announced he was emotionally detached and considering D: 4/4/16 H announced he is going to try to stay and reconnect: 5/1/16
