Very well done last evening. He now has a bit of info to mull over and over about. He now knows that you are thinking ahead and what you might plan to do concerning living arrangements. As for the flowers, you responded perfectly! Let him wonder. He doesn't need to know everything that is going on w/your life.
As for his friends, well...that could be just bragging and wanting to impress you w/his so called happiness or it could be true. Whatever he's doing, he's still not a happy many. It's all superficial as far as I'm concerned. They want the world to think they are happy and they've done the right thing, but when darkness falls and they are in their little cubby hole, the mask falls and they feel and are alone w/their thoughts of what they had and where they are now. So sad.
One day, he may regret the time he's lost w/you...but he may never tell you because of that ego and pride...
Keep up the good work!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I think someone (BIL, unknowingly) turned on the lights in the theater. My impression is that H is beginning to realize that if he doesn't get more involved in his business, he may lose it (Not at all my fault. I've worked hard to keep it from going down the drain). Doesn't mean squat for our personal life, but I sure need him to take some interest in this business for my own sake. Despite my best efforts, I can't fill his shoes and although BIL is a great guy, he just doesn't have the expertise he needs at this point. H seems to be in somewhat of a panic, for lack of a better word. Not so much because of the current sitch, but where it's headed if this keeps up. Hello ... I've been trying to tell you this for over a year!
I thought the statement h made about being here most of July was just "meaning what they say when the say it" (AmyC, here) but he booked his trip this morning, so I guess he really will do it. Like I said, BIL may have turned on the lights in the theater. (Shout out to Stayed's H.)
Putting that aside, life goes on for me regardless of what H does or doesn't do.
I'm hoping to finally get my car inspected this weekend and get my gardening done.
Next weekend I fly out to see my sister. She's home and doing better, but has an oxygen machine to use at night and during the day, as needed. She has been a heavy smoker all her life and I guess she's now paying the price. I don't want to lose her. She's the only one left I can share and laugh about childhood memories with. I suppose it happens to a lot of us ... I'm just not ready for that.
I'm also beginning to think about my trip to NYC in a few weeks. My IC told me today that I should go over to the Plaza hotel and have tea or a drink at the bar, and also check out the Waldorf and have one of their famous Bloody Marys, as well as some other landmarks. I drove home with visions of visiting famous landmark hotels and having a drink at each, then stumbling back to my hotel to pass out in my bed. Naw! I don't think my IC is an alcoholic or anything ... just a romantic about movie scenes in famous NY hotels.
Hope everyone has a great Friday.
Me: 59 and holding H: :53 Me: 1 S, 1 D, both grown M: 19 T: 23 BD: 9-23-2013
Forgot to add that H looks bad. He's extremely thin ... so much so that I would be concerned and making an effort to fatten him up some. Last time he lost a ton of weight, he was wooing a younger woman.
His demeanor last night was the same as he usually behaves when he has something on his mind and is reluctant to bring it up (usually not good). My guard is up and I'm preparing to be a stone no matter what he finally throws out there.
Me: 59 and holding H: :53 Me: 1 S, 1 D, both grown M: 19 T: 23 BD: 9-23-2013
So, replay continues. He's joined a biking club there now, bought a bike and purchased a car rack that holds two bikes to take back with him. He also purchased a two-person pup tent to take back ... for what? I have no idea. (I keep zoning in on the "two" and it gets under my skin.) Again ... he never did this kind of stuff in all the time I've known him.
The interesting thing about the bike is that I asked for (and got) a recumbent exercise bike for Christmas. He kept remarking that he wished he had thought of that. And Voila, he now has a bike! More of the same ... if I do it, H does something similar. My IC thinks it's a case of if I do something, it's okay for him to do it ... kind of like giving permission.
But he continues to be Jekyll and Hyde. He's doing the replay stuff, but he's been phenomenal in the office the past few days, taking the leadership role he's always filled, calling the major players into an office, running numbers, explaining the numbers, brainstorming and coming up with potential answers to some of our issues of late ... something that has been severely lacking over here. H knew I wasn't capable of filling that role, so he brought in BIL, but BIL isn't capable of filling it either. BIL and I don't always see eye to eye (and I suspect he thinks I don't know enough to give him advice ... and he's dead wrong), so there's no real leader and the business has suffered because of it.
It's all very frustrating and puts me in a bad position between H and BIL. If I were to tell H half the lame stuff BIL said and/or did, H would fire him and that wouldn't go down well with his family. And H would have to come back and run the company. AND ... guess who's stuck in the middle and who'd get the blame for all of that? It's one of the reasons I want to put an end to all of this. I keep asking myself if the extra income I get from the company is really worth all this.
Anyway, I plan to spend some time digging in the dirt tomorrow to plant my annuals .... after that car inspection.
Hope everyone has a good weekend.
Me: 59 and holding H: :53 Me: 1 S, 1 D, both grown M: 19 T: 23 BD: 9-23-2013
H and I spent the entire day together yesterday. He helped me with the gardens and a few other little chores and we did a ton of R talking ... initiated by him. There was good and bad and some insight into the MLC mind. This will be kind of long, I think.
He opened the door to R talk and I took the opportunity to tell him that I had been giving some serious thought to changing direction ... to leaving the business and getting a D. I told him it wasn't what I wanted to do in m heart, but my mind is telling me I need to change course. I said that this was not the kind of life that I wanted to live and added that I had hoped we would find our way back together, but I have come to the conclusion that he is never coming back and I need to move on and build a new life. I reiterated that it's not what I want to do, but my head is saying I need to do it. I added that I just wasn't sure what direction to take, where I wanted to go, etc. and I wasn't sure I was emotionally strong enough to go through that process yet.
There was a lot of discussion and he calmly listened and said he understood. He also said things like "I want to be free" and "The only reason I didn't want a D is for the business." He pretty much said he wanted a D now, but he wanted me to remain in the business and he wanted us to be friends. I pointed out that we are basically already doing that ... we just don't have the legal part done ... and it just isn't the kind of life I want.
He said we needed to spend some time figuring out the best way to do things ... that he wanted me to be happy and I deserved to be happy. I left it at I had a lot to think about and I just wanted to be sure that whatever direction I take is the right direction for me and not harmful to either of us.
He said he'd tried to find romantic feelings for me and they just weren't there ... that he cared deeply for me but it wasn't in a romantic way. I just said I understood. He said he wished it could be different and we could rekindle that. I just said I understood, but pointed out very gently that it's difficult to rekindle feelings with so much time and distance between us. He agreed.
My impression is that on one hand he wants things to basically stay the same as they are, only now he wants a legal D that really doesn't change a thing. I'll get to the other hand later.
The second thing that was expected but still hurtful is he told me he's involved with a 2nd OW. Although that stung, for some strange reason I don't see her as a threat. We didn't really talk about her or that sitch (I think it came up one other time when I asked if she knew he was married ... yes.), but based on other things he said, I get the gut feeling that he's seeing her more out of wanting female companionship and sex than actually being "in love" like the first OW. It just felt like she was "something to do." Just a vibe I picked up on. Maybe I'm looking through rose colored glasses??
I did get the chance to plant a couple of seeds about her. H said at one point he would completely understand if I got involved with another man and if that made me happy he would be glad. I replied that it would be easy to think he did it, so it's okay for me to do it, too, but I just couldn't do it and explained that it had nothing to do with him and that it was more to do with me.
It was here I planted a couple of seeds. I told him I would be wary of any man who wanted to get involved with me given all the baggage I'm carrying and I also worry that some men might see my lifestyle, where I live, etc and think "cha-ching!" (I'm by no means "rich," but I am comfortable enough.)
That was about all that was said that was painful to hear.
He told me numerous times that he regretted the way he treated me, that I didn't deserve to be treated that way, that I didn't do anything wrong, that he hated the way he has treated me, that none of this was my fault. He said he didn't want to hurt me anymore ... that he'd already hurt me way too much ... and he wanted me to be happy.
He said he had f'd everything up and he didn't think there was any way to rebuild after that. He said he didn't think I would ever be able to forgive him.
I replied that was a question I had asked myself often and the answer has always been that if he wanted to come back and sincerely try to R that I could forgive him. I told him that to be perfectly honest, I had been forgiving him all along.
I said I had also done things I regret and didn't know if he could forgive those and he said he knew what I was talking about (not keeping his A secret), had really put myself in his shoes and he had already forgiven that. That led to a brief discussion about forgiving one's self.
He said our M had been so wonderful that he didn't think he could ever find that kind of love, devotion, happiness, etc with anyone else. He said the bar had been set so high he didn't think anyone could rise to it, but if he never found it again, he would be satisfied with knowing that he had experienced that kind of love in his life.
I said I agreed. I said that M is dead, but I have always felt and still do somewhere deep in my soul that there was enough of a foundation, given the depth of our R, to build a new R on but that was something we would both have to want and work for. I said I had hoped for a long time that he would decide to try, but I have accepted that he just has no interest in that. He said he thought the same way and wished he felt differently about me. He talked a little about the logic vs heart, but wasn't really clear about how those things influenced his thinking.
So, that's the second hand. There seems to be a tremendous amount of guilt and regret. He said over and over how much he regretted what he had done. There also seems to be a yearning to get back what he has lost but he seems to have convinced himself that he messed things up and this is his new lot in life by his own doing. He seemed to think that the door was closed.
I did my best to be comforting and compassionate without coming across as pursuing. I wanted him to know that the door is not closed but it was up to him to walk through it and I was prepared to move on with my life if he chose not to.
So, a little insight into the MCL mind ...
H said that during the 1st A, a lot of people kept asking him what the heck was he doing - more because of the girl he got involved with than the cheating. He said our assistant was all over him about the whole thing. He said he didn't know why he did it. He said he couldn't explain it ... that it just happened. He seemed very frustrated by that - by not being able to understand why he did it.
I asked him if moving there was something he had been planning to do before he actually made it happen. He said he didn't plan it at all and had no intention of leaving me or living over there in the beginning. He said his only intention was the project we were trying to start. Leaving me and living there just evolved. There was no plan.
We talked a little about depression and he said one day he was so down that he got in his car and started driving. His destination was hours and hours away. He wanted to just go away where no one knew where he was and get lost to the world. He said he drove about 3 hours before he decided to turn around and go back.
Finally, he walked into the family room and noticed some pretty obvious changes I had made years ago. He said .. you did so-and-so. I told him I had done it a couple of years ago when I repainted. He said he never noticed until now.
At the end of the day, during and after dinner we were going down memory lane and remembering some of the crazy stuff we did in the beginning. We were both laughing A LOT.
Before leaving, he did the dishes and refused to let me help. He gave me a hug and a kiss on the cheek and said he really enjoyed the day. He thanked me for my "forgiveness."
When he got back to his place, he sent a text thanking me for a wonderful day.
My mind is still spinning trying to sort all this out, but I thought there were some things in there that could be of benefit to those trying to understand their MLCer.
Me: 59 and holding H: :53 Me: 1 S, 1 D, both grown M: 19 T: 23 BD: 9-23-2013
Sounds like the day was enlightening for both of you. You've given him a lot to think about and right now, he's feeling a lot of guilt and shame for what he's done. Right now, he doesn't see a way back to you to reconcile and begin a new marriage.
Do you want to try and save your marriage? If so, you have the key. What is the key, time, patience and forgiveness. Show him that you can forgive and be a friend. Sure, he doesn't feel anything for you right now and that's the depression talking. If you are in no hurry to push for a divorce, then sit a while unless there is an absolute need to do so to protect the assets, etc.
Again, you are the key and if you have to decide exactly what you want. If you want to wait a while longer, then wait, but do not allow others to push you towards a divorce unless you are ready to do so. If he wants a divorce, then allow him to do the filing. Time is on your side...truly think about what you want. If it means taking some time from the forum and doing some soul searching, then by all means do so. No matter what you decide, we'll be here for you.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
No Job, I'm in no hurry to D and basically told him that. I made it very clear that a D is not what I want, but I didn't want to continue living the way I am now.
There is absolutely no reason to push for a D and I've always known that. I know I have time and right now I am very appreciative of that time.
This is the first conversation we've had in years that was heartfelt, intimate (not in a sexual way) and open. There was no hate, no spew, no anger. Just conversation and, like I said, my head is still spinning, but for the first time in a very long time I don't feel like the sitch is hopeless. Only time will tell and I have time.
Me: 59 and holding H: :53 Me: 1 S, 1 D, both grown M: 19 T: 23 BD: 9-23-2013
You handled all that so well. You showed such grace and kindness.
Just want you to know that I am thinking of you.
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
Thank you, HW. I think of you often and hope your h has settled down some. I so wish I could meet you and some of the other LBSs here. I think we are all pretty awesome.
A couple of more peeks into the MLC mind ...
H was describing some of the (ridiculous) stuff his running group does and said it was like college guys having fun. I interjected, "Frat boys" and he jumped on that saying, "Yes! Frat boys." I just replied that it was good to behave like a kid once in a while. So he knows he's behaving like a college frat boy.
Second, he said he had taken up weight lifting and he ended that convo with, "It's something to do." That falls in line with what my IC has said. He gets into all this stuff because he has to fill the void I once occupied.
As for the next chapter of H's visit home ...
He called this morning and asked me to join him in a trip to the mall. This was actually something on my list ... that he would invite me along on one of his shopping trips while here. He always does some shopping but never asks me to join him. I declined at first saying I had this and that to get done (and I did). He said if I changed my mind to let him know. So I waited an hour and called him to say he had motivated me to get my bumpkis in gear and I would love to join him if the invite was still good.
He was somewhat moody, but I did my best to keep things light and friendly, cracking jokes and taking the opportunity when it presented itself to appreciate things he did for me (like getting drenched in the rain when he went to bring the car around to me) or cheer-lead without being over the top.
He noticed a home repair that needed fixing when he dropped me off and took care of it. I showed the proper appreciation.
All I can say is this has been an interesting weekend. I feel like I'm in uncharted territory here.
Lots to think about.
Me: 59 and holding H: :53 Me: 1 S, 1 D, both grown M: 19 T: 23 BD: 9-23-2013
You are definitely in unchartered territory and each and every time you have contact w/him, something new will be revealed. He feels comfortable talking to you...so listen closely and you will learn quite a bit about the man he is today.
I don't think he's having such a great time w/all of those new friends of his. If he's taken up weight lifting, he's filling a void not only left by you, but he's got a lot of time on his hands.
BTW, they do tend to be moody at times...just roll w/the punches and don't take it personally.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
