Still more detachment, (less) anxiety and the joys of limbo

[JksD]

(((Phoebe)))

Glad you made it back safely.

I hear you on the crying in public part. I ugly cry in public so often that I am amazed no one has put up a video of me ugly crying in public. I suppose the world is not such a cruel place after all.

Hang in there, you're one tough lady. I was all over the place when I was at your stage. And I am guessing that regardless of the pacity of communication between you and H, he can feel this strength emanating from you.

Keep on keeping on!

[Phoebe]

All over the place is a really apt description of how I feel these days. This morning I woke up immediately thinking of H and what he had done in our house (hiding photos, etc. so his AP wouldn't see them). I try to deflect the thoughts, but they're right below the surface, just waiting to pop back up.

I need distance. Physical distance is a given, but I need space away from him inside my own head. That's harder.

[Painter]

I find journaling on paper helps a lot to get rid of/let go of H-thoughts. And then get busy.

The morning is the time when the thoughts come, and also late at night.

[SH_]

Wonderful idea painter. I must try this, as the nights and mornings are without a doubt the worst.

Phoebe,

Have a wonderful day, find things that make you smile, feel the support and strength that I am sending and rainbow hugs of comfort for you this fine day.

(((Phoebe)))

[Phoebe]

Thank you, Painter and SadHub.

I should probably try journaling on paper, but I have never had a lot of luck with it int he past. I am having a better time just writing it here. Why that should deb easier, I have no idea, though I must say that it is easier to type than write with these stupid shaking hands.

I had to do some of my actual profession-type work today on a wild creature. I enjoyed it, but let's just say that I could never have other people seeing my hands shake that way while I'm working. It's OK for my family members to see it, but that's it.

Man, one lousy trip to my other house, not even seeing H, and I am right back to shake-o-matic mode. Grrrrr.

I'm going to spend my day outside today. It's cool, but beautiful and sunny, and I working keeps my mind at bay.

Hope everyone has a good day! Stay strong.

[GWH]

Enjoy your day outside Phoebe!

[SH_]

Good evening Phoebe.

I hope you have had a nice day. Were you able to enjoy that weather and have some fun with the work.

I wanted pop in and say hello.

[Phoebe]

So I felt a bit down early on today and was anxious, but it passed as I got outdoors and started working. My parents had me over for dinner, so I even got in one high-quality meal for the day, including SALAD!!! Eating remains a chore, but I'm trying.

I know that I am afraid of spending the rest of my life alone, but it surely isn't because I feel like I can't handle myself. Given how badly I've been feeling about myself lately, maybe I ought to toot my own horn a little more often. Here goes: I am a tractor-driving, skid steer-operating, tool-literate, animal-keeping, competent, hard-working person. And I can do surgery on a chipmunk. Toot, toot.

Maybe my H does have reason to feel inferior? LOL.

Just kidding on that one. I still don't understand him saying that. He has so many skills that I don't.

Anyway, I did a bunch more brush hogging today, and before that I got another mess off my property with my skid steer and the help of the scrapper dude Pretty pleased to have spent the day making my corner of the world a little better.

For some reason, this morning I had this feeling like H would come back at some point. I don't know why. Part of it was just looking around at our land on this beautiful spring day and just simply being unable to understand why H wouldn't want it any more.

That said, I certainly haven't seen any evidence that he's interested in coming home. Beyond that brief text conversation a couple days ago, there's been almost no contact whatsoever for weeks, and what precious little there has been is mundane admin-quality stuff.

[Painter]

There's nothing more healing that physical work outside in nature. So glad you have this treasure. My own health makes me lean towards a managed living space, with no responsibility for outside maintenance (I lived in the South for 15 years and never adjusted to the climate) except some big flower pots, but 10 years ago, I would have loved what you describe. But it can also be difficult not being able to share the joy of it with someone.

I was a single mom to my son, and one of the hardest things was to not be able to share the joy and pride with someone equally invested.

Oh, I think telling H that you didn't want to talk to him when you were at the house there was brilliant from a DB angle, although I get that it was probably more about emotional survival from your side. Still a great decision.

[Phoebe]

Yeah, it was definitely an emotional survival strategy. As it was I fell apart during my drive home. Sigh.

There is no way that I will see him again anywhere but in my own home, and he knows where I live.

You are so right about sharing, Painter - it's almost like if I don't have someone to share my joys with, then the joy isn't as real. Accomplishments on my farm feel diminished because I don't have that equally invested person to acknowledge our progress. Instead of telling H, now I write it here. It's something, but it's not the same.