Wife files D after I confronted her 2nd EA (4)

[CWOL]

Vapo,
Yes, that's one of her chief complaints against me throughout the years, that I'm always trying to "fix" her or her problems. It is what I do for a living, so whenever she tells me a problem at work, or complains about someone, I would offer her advice on how to approach it.

Funny thing is in the last couple years, I've really held back on these things after one time she let me have it because of my "fixing." I read some article in a magazine and realized that she just wanted me to listen so I usually ask her how do you think you should resolve the situation, and she usually doesn't know and we'd end there and go onto the next story. I guess it was too little, too late on that front.

[DDJ]

Its very early doors, I love this forum as it's a way to vent, let go, hold on. AAAARGH. But at least we have some priceless (cos its free) support.

Sorry that we're hogging your chat CWOL. But at least you're not alone, you may be lonely, but not alone!

[DDJ]

My WW complains that I analyse things too much - but that's how i'm wired. I have learnt to not say anything recently if its going to sound like i'm analyzing things. Will rather do it during my day, as its my day job.

[Accuray]

Her sense of entitlement upsets me, as just because they were gifts, even though they were gifts to both of us.

Easier said than done but your best response is not to let it bother you. i.e. If you want to get her to notice, then act like nothing she does matters. In the end she can fill up a shopping cart full of stuff and haul it away and the judge will tell her to return whatever is yours.

When it comes to division of assets you are *much* better off going into it with goodwill than with an angry adversary. The good karma will pay off.

After reading your threads, I really enjoyed the eloquence of your posts.

Thank you! I haven't read them in forever, I believe I've contributed much more on other threads than on my own although currently I'm largely dormant here.

I would like to learn from your experience... Were there things that you would change in retrospect? In both the initial period after BD and also during the D?

Well the gift of hindsight is wonderful so I'm happy to share. I've become fairly convinced that the very best thing an LBS can do is immediately go dark and drop the rope or head the other way metaphorically.

The best thing for everyone involved is for the WAS to be convinced that you just don't care what they do -- it doesn't register on your radar. They want to be angry and rant at you? Hope you don't hurt your voice. They want to be lovey dovey? Great, thanks for your graciousness, now I'm going to go play Nintendo. It's like Damone said in Fast Times -- you've got to have "the attitude" -- "The attitude says that you don't care if she comes, stays, lays or prays, no matter what happens, your toes are still tappin'"

The primary reason I believe this is that at the time the bomb drops, the WAS is fixated on one thing: "get away". Anything you do to interfere with this agenda sets you up as an adversary standing between them and what they think they want, and in that scenario it becomes all they can think about. You are a blocker.

Only when you are no longer an adversary or a blocker to their ambitions can they have the cognitive space to assess what they have lost. As long as someone is pursuing, convincing, cajoling, etc. they are blinded from taking stock as all they want to do is run.

99.999% of people can't do that. I've come to believe it really has little to do with the virtues of the departing spouse. What happens when your spouse leaves is that your sense of control and stability is completely ripped away. That is unsettling in the extreme and everything about you screams "regain control, regain stability!" and to your panic-stricken brain reconciliation is the fast track, which then makes you pursue reconciliation with everything you have, tolerating all kinds of ridiculous abuse and ignoring all kinds of good advice.

I've read at length about how that loss of control triggers memories of "infatuation feelings" which are also initially based on feeling out of control (does this person like me back? Will they go out on date #5? etc. etc.) Therefore you put your WAS on a pedastal and believe you are freshly "in love" with them all over again. It's a cruel mind trick to help you get back that sorely needed stability and control.

Truly heading the other way is too much of a cliff jump for most people which is where DB comes in. The DB techniques as described in the book are designed to give the false impression that you have already moved the other way (act as if, GAL, 180) and are doing your own thing for your own benefit.

Once the WAS believes, TRULY believes, that you are no longer in hot pursuit, they can breathe a big sigh of relief, enjoy the green green grass, and then slowly see their fantasy of delicious freedom dismantled as time passes and reality sets in. At that point, if you've been able to truly go the other way, you become "something lost" versus something abandoned.

In terms of the D, don't ask me -- I had a one-in-a-million D where I literally worked everything out at the kitchen table, had a lawyer draft it into something the court would accept, and was done for $1500 in legal fees between us. I ended up with 50% custody, no alimony, and the majority of the marital assets including the marital home free and clear. XW was very proud, earned a good income, and I think by the time we got D felt horribly guilty, but of course guilty feelings have an expiration date. We were literally arguing about the fact that I wanted to give her more and she wanted less and that was the basis of our negotiation, which as I say, is a one in a million scenario.

Post-D, the fact that it was so amicable has been a HUGE benefit. We have an extremely flexible co-parenting situation, do joint birthdays and key holidays, XW is fine doing things with my girlfriend and the kids present, etc. It's "all good" except, of course, that I hate the impact of the D on the kids and having them split households, and to some degree I still feel like a "failed" by not being able to save that marriage.

I'm afraid my WW is very much like your XW, and that any Recovery may only be temporary as long as OM is available. My first R lasted 17 years but in at least the last nine of those years, she was mentally unfaithful. Were there signs and symptoms in your WW that you would have spotted early to tell you that R is illusory?

Well when we first R'd we had a honeymoon period and I have no doubt that her heart was in it and she was committed. We identified a bunch of "stuff" we had to do to keep things strong and committed to doing them. As each week went by, she would stop doing one of the things and said she no longer needed it and didn't want to do it anymore, and that eventually decayed to the point that our relationship was back in the same equilibrium it was when she first strayed. At the time, I pointed that out and she said "don't worry, if anyone leaves this marriage now it will be you", then of course she started cheating again.

The second time, however, I had superhero-like spider sense and knew she was up to no good right away.

The huge blessing is that between BD #1 and D I had three years to be a husband only a fool would leave, and to truly be able to leave that marriage with no regrets that I had done absolutely everything I could do to the best of my ability.

That brought me tremendous peace at the time, and continues to. I look back with no regrets.

Here's the other thing -- sometimes people are just "done". It makes me cringe when people come on here and quickly diagnose their WAS as mentally afflicted in some way -- depressed, manic depressive, MLC, whatever. Unless a mental health professional has made that determination, that's a cheeseless tunnel. Sometimes people are just "done". Sometimes that's for a good reason, and sometimes that's for no reason. It takes two people to be married, but only one person to be divorced. Sometimes you have to take your hands off the handlebars, surrender to that, and say "There's nothing I can do. The fact that my ex is done doesn't mean they are a bad person. Now I have to mourn the end of this relationship and look forward to the next great adventure."

I have been exceptionally happy post-D and am in a great new relationship, really I love my life right now. If you told me I'd feel this way a few years ago I wouldn't have believed you.

Divorce is best avoided, but is also completely survivable.

--Acc

[CWOL]

Accuray,

Thank you for your clear assessment and analysis! Yep, it's always good to hear from a true "veteran," especially one who's been through BD, R, then D. That is the issue I am struggling with, if there's even a chance of true R with WW, given that this is the second time she betrayed me. I guess there is always a chance, but this time I think the probability diminished exponentially.

When you first R'ed, do you think it was because you let go of the rope quickly? Or was it something else?

I find myself being able to detach more and more as time goes by. The one thing I can never detach from is the financial ball and chain I will carry around for a long time. I guess there's nothing I can do about that either, my WW is not going to give me that one in a million chance you got (although she did offer it on D-Day.)

[SH_]

I love the post Accuracy. Very interesting to get a look at a sitch in it's entirety and even though the d still happened you sound to be in a great place. That really gives me hope.

CWOL,

I loved reading your thread today. Seeing that there are many going through the same emotional roller coaster gives some peace knowing I am not completely crazy. ( not that I am a fan of the misery loves company saying ) but also seeing that we can and will come out on the other side. The journey may be shorter by really putting in the right effort and essentially getting out of a half of life comfort zone and routines.

Anyway, have a restful night and I'll catch ya tomorrow. Another day and more opportunities to heal, grow and move forward to a bright future. Even if it does look a bit different than we envisioned for so long.

[CWOL]

Had my MD change my AD. Wellbutrin didn't have any effect. Now on Lexapro. I definitely need it, I get cranky and irritable for no reason. I wouldn't want my co-workers to suffer because of WW.

S11 complained that he had run out of snacks for his school lunches. WW stopped grocery shopping ever since she filed. I gave her the support payment for April already, even though she's been living at my house and not paying any expenses. She said, yes I bought food, just enough for herself and a little bit for S11. I just can't believe the nerve...

[J5K]

Well if it any consolation, my STBXW doesn't make dinner for herself or me when I come home from work and have my nights with the boys.

Not sure if she even eats dinner when she goes to the hotel and who funds the dinner, either MIL or OM. Who knows!

[CWOL]

Lol, Jim, was that before or after BD?

My WW used to cook full meals for S11 and me, while working 30 hours a week. In the past five years, she cut her hours down to 15, and we were getting reheated prepped meals from Trader Joe's. Then last year more and more she would text me to pick up food on the way home...

All this before BD.

[SH_]

Hows it going CWOL?

Just wanted to check in.
Hope you are having a good Friday.
Any GAL plans this weekend for you?