Still more detachment, (less) anxiety and the joys of limbo

[Phoebe]

Having a really hard time suddenly. I'm one hour into my drive and I had to pull off into a parking lot because I started just sobbing, shaking like crazy. Nothing more fun than public displays of falling apart. people are walking by. It's great and all I want to do is hide. Camouflaging myself by playing with my phone.

I was doing ok, and then my mind wandered to something my therapist asked me last week: "what are you afraid of?" I had no answer for him then, but today I was just driving and realized that I am afraid of being alone. Not at a particular moment, but of being truly alone for the rest of my life. Terrified.

My therapist is right to be convened. Relaying all the details to the L today reminded me how deep the betrayal runs. How will I learn to trust again after all of this?

I'm a mess today.

In case you're reading this and wondering, SadHub: yes, I just took my meds.

[Phoebe]

OK. An hour later and a good talk with my mom and I'm ready to get back to my drive.

I let myself feel the grief and sadness and then it passed. One hour. I can live with that. Now I'm going into this quick stop to buy me some darn CHOCOLATE as a pick me up.

Crisis passed.

[Painter]

Aww... I'm so sorry you went through that. Glad your mom was available and that you're feeling better now. Chocolate makes everything better!

You won't be alone the rest of your life. I promise.

[SH_]

Phoebe,

It is okay. Let the sadness pass through. You have just endured a very difficult task and you did so with poise and courage. The task is over and now you will naturally feel the flood of emotions.

Let it pass and be kind to yourself. Believing that you will be alone and unable to trust is looking into the future and trying to paint it with the old paint from the past. This is not fair to yourself not to the potentials of your future. Now please don't misunderstand me, your fears are normal and maybe even natural after what you are going through, but FEAR is not real. FEAR has been defined as False Evidence Appearing Real. But it is simply our mind trying to protect us based on percieved emotional or physical pain. Unfortunately while our brain tries to protect us, if we simply believe it, we create walls that can cause more harm. If you believe that you can never trust, then you will be alone.

You are working to be a better person each and everyday. You are in contact with people everyday. And when the time is right, and you have gone through the healing process you will trust again. And you are not alone even now.

I know this is not the same as what we had with our spouses, but if we would have known that we would be in this situation, would we have trusted then? Trust is a leap of faith at any season in our lives and we cannot allow the betrayal of one that we trusted to ruin it for our future self. Then we only sell ourselves short of opportunities.

You and I are going through a process and we will be better on the other side. This I believe, have hope for and will put my faith into a future with trust and companionship. It just may look different than I ever imagined, but we owe it to ourself.

Hopefully the med has calmed your nerves. Now do something that makes you smile tonight and go be with a friend or family member if possible.

You are doing well. Know this.

(((Phoebe)))

[Phoebe]

I'm taking a little rest from driving. Still have a few hours to go, but I'm feeling better. Still kind of sad, but functional.

Thank you for the reminders today, Cherry, Blu, Painter, and SadHub. You have all helped me today. My Mom even got me laughing when I talked to her. It's good to be able to reach out when things are tough.

Today I am grateful that I have people looking out for me, the ones I know in person, and the ones I have found here.

[SH_]

It is so good to hear that you are doing well Phoebe.
Have a wonderful Friday night and keep smiling!!!


And don't forget a little meditation tonight before you go off to sleep.

[Phoebe]

I'll try to remember, SadHub. It'll be after 11 when I get home, though. Ugh.

Taking yet another break in my drive. The drive out was nothing at all, but the return trip is taking forever!!! All these stops add up, and I'm tired. Going to go score a hot chocolate or something at the rest stop.

[SH_]

Hi Phoebe.

And do a 1 minute meditation and that will count. HAHA, That's because thats all I have been practicing this week, before going to step 2 in our meditation book.

Enjoy the hot chocolate and drive safe.

[Phoebe]

Hot chocolate was sweet and hit the spot. I FINALLY made it home (well my evening spot, since I still am not sleeping in my own home), but close enough.

Today was exhausting. First the lawyer, and the trip home took 8.5 hours, instead of the normal 5, because of all my various stops to cry and rest and reach out to others for support. Good grief. (pun intended). And that while running on something like 4 hours of really bad sleep.

So glad that it's over, and even more glad that I declined to meet with my H. I still wonder what he wanted to see me about, but I have no intention of asking him. If it's important, he knows how to contact me and he surely knows where I live.

[Painter]

Glad to hear you made it back safe!

I could break down and cry simply from trying to function on 4 hours of sleep... Didn't need any other reason. Hope you get more tonight!