It was tough. But I wasn't allowing him to embarrass my son and me by making separate appointments.
As I said it was obvious how w little h knew about our sons day to day life. That had to have hurt. And I won't feel bad that that gave me some pleasure after what he's done.
Had a little bit of a shock when my youngest son spoke about walking the dog ( he's at his dad's). Thought omg they've got a dog now!!! But son said its a dog that comes over every couple of weeks. I assume it's the ex husbands . Phew
What the h@ll happen? Life happens, we grow up and take on more and more responsibilities as we walk the path of life. Unfortunately, your h hasn't completely grown up and his coping skills aren't very good. Some have a lot of underlying issues that don't come to the surface until mid life and they were never allowed a change to voice themselves as children, so it simmers for many years and then bubbles over at some point. Unfortunately, they don't know how to cope w/these issues when they come to the surface a crisis begins.
Unlike cuts, scars and bruises, we can't see those hidden wounds until a crisis happens. They are very good at keeping them hidden until it's too late and something triggers them. They may never have talked about their childhood or if they did, they glossed over it and felt uncomfortable talking about it. We assumed that these issues were in the past and we all focus on the future, but that's not the case for many of these mlcers...for them, those issues were unresolved. People didn't talk about MLC back many, many years ago and it wasn't until the last 20 years that people starting opening up about the behavior and talking about. Some make jokes about it, but most people are more serious about the destruction that takes place.
Bottom line, we are all learning about MLC, what causes it and how to deal w/the fallout. The most logical way to deal w/it is to keep the focus on you and your family, try to stay strong and not to take what he/she is doing personally, but really it's not about you at all. As we walk the path of life, we become wiser, listen, we share and we find ways to cope (which is far better than how they cope). We go on w/our lives and sometimes, they return...but that's far, far down the road and if he wants to reconcile and try again, ultimately you will be the one to decide if you want to try again.
So, for today, keep the focus on you, I know you get tired of me reminding you of this, but time really is on your side and what you do w/your time is up to you. Just remember, time doesn't stand still for us and we only have one life to live and we need to live it to the best of our ability. We can't recover the past, but the present is really a gift...use it wisely and the future...well...it hasn't been revealed to us yet.
Continue to read up on MLC because the more you read, the more you will understand it better.
I do hope you have a great day today!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Unfortunately am not having a great day. Can't get used to being on my own. Did pop out to see a friend but she was out and a friend was supposed to come over today but had to cancel. I had tried to keep occupied.
When I m on my own all I think of is how I made him unhappy( I know what you're going to say but I can't stop the feelings slipping in)
He scares me as I can't know what he's going to do next.
Okay, so you are at home and friends aren't around. Get up, get dressed and go to a book store or café and sit a bit. Nothing says you have to sit at home all day. When you aren't busy is when you tend to think about him. Mia, yes, you know exactly what I'm going to say...it wasn't your job to make him happy. That was his job to do so. Happiness doesn't come from external stuff, but from within. Sure, it's nice to have those external things around you, but the bottom line is...we are only responsible for making ourselves happy. If others wish to join in whatever we are doing and/or sharing, then it's on them to do so.
What do you mean he scares you? There's no way to know what he'll do or won't do next. Bottom line, live for today, focus on today and try to find something that makes you smile for today. Leave tomorrow at the door.
Now...get out there and take a walk, sit at a café or take a drive...but do something to get yourself out of the house.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
He scares me because his behaviour is unpredictable. He is threatening to take me to court over child access if I don't do his mediation. I am going to do it when I find my info.
He scares me because I don't recognise this man .... He has no empathy for my feelings at all....am scared at what else he can do to hurt me...as he blatantly doesn't give a toss about me.
Hi Mia, sorry you're not having the best day. Sometimes when I have a bad day, I just list three things I could do - ie: go swimming, go out for a coffee, go shopping. Then I just make myself do one - doing anything is generally better than doing nothing when you're not having the best day.
Maybe today is a good day to start getting back in touch with your love of cooking? I bought a book on soup making today and I'm going to try making some pea soup later.
Take care and hope your day improves. Glad to see Job has already posted with some excellent advice xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Mia, I do understand the fear about his behavior being unpredictable, but that's all part of the crisis/depression. They change and act out because they can't cope with life and they are miserable inside. You have to try to look at him as a neighbor or a distant relative. He's not the man you knew and you have to accept that for now. It's going to take a long time before he settles down and figures things out.
BTW, they like to control and manipulate the spouses. Threats are one way of getting you to do what he wants and when he wants. It's also a way to get you to back off of him.
You have nothing to fear but fear itself and he knows that you are scared of what he might do, so he's going to escalate that fear to get you to do what he wants. When he sees a calm, collected and self assured woman who doesn't react to his behavior, he just very well may stop some of his threats. You'll notice he'll try to be nice and then go back to being Mr. Nasty. It's his way of keeping you right where he wants you...in a corner shaking w/fear. Don't allow this man to scare you. You are a grown woman who has a lot to offer someone and if he's that darn stupid and can't see the many qualities that you have to offer...shame on him.
Now, off you go...get out of the house for a bit...even if it's just a walk. The fresh air will do you a world of good.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I opened my work email this morning and I have an email to appear in court!!!! Apparently the court notice is attached but the work email has blocked the attachment so I can't open it.
Omg...I can only assume it is from h about child access. Why. He has access why is he being so awful. He has hurt me and the kids enough and now he wants to drag us through the court system
