I hear what you are saying DDJ but do you know the other side, did her H make any changes, do anything different, etc.
From my own experience of my parents, my Dad left when I was the same age as my son is now, we have talked long and hard about it. There was no other involvment and he says he never stopped loving my mother but my mother never changed, and he got to the point were he knew she never would. He was right, my mother never changed, she got on with things but never altered her lifestyle.
As much as I'm giving my W the space she wants, I am using it to look at my marriage also. I have seen so often were my W told me she would try, wanted to etc but when push came to shove she didn't do.. I do question whether my W would be able to do what is necessary to turn around but only time will tell. As you say we have to focus on us, recognize our weaknesses, learn from them and believe that we will be all right no matter what. It [censored] and I'm not always the best at following my own advice but that is what we are all here for, to support, to keep reminding each other of our direction and to hold our heads up and push forward into the unknown.
In one of Sandi's posts she says we may afraid to do things but even if that is the case we do it!
Well, my friend was wandering for years, one bad relationship with taken men to the next. It became her thing, she became so non-committal that it consumed her. She tried to get back with her XH last year, but they're now split again - she even had another child with him. She did say that he never changed, used to drink the whole time and i guess never forgave her for what she did, or himself for why things never worked out in the first place. She definitely changed, as she was actually willing to try and make things work, guess that she came out of the fog.
I'm having breakfast with her on Monday so will see what i can glean from her and will definitely update my thread.
She peculiarly stated "that i need to change also, i need to put my foot down". I told her that that that is the plan.
I am sad for what i stand to lose, but happy for what i stand to gain.
Just cos things are going right, doesn't mean that they were always wrong.
I also have a friend whose mother I know well. The mother had an affair and I have spoken to her about it and the reasons why. Her H used to drink a lot and they didn't do things together, he wasn't listening to her as he basically became an alcoholic. When she had the affair, and it all came out, he stopped drinking cold turkey, never touched another drop, she told me even if he was carrying drinks and some split on his hands he wouldn't even lick it off... They recovered and had a much better relationship going forward until unfortunately he died from cancer last year. Something that affected me a lot last year as I was close to them as a family for several years.
So my stomach is turning again, like it did a few weeks back, but it's a different type of turning. The previous one was helplessness - this feels like fear, or should i say, facing my fear.
This is going to be a long wknd, with a public holiday on monday. I'm going to try to enjoy it with everyone but my WW, making time for my son is going to be top of the list.
Just cos things are going right, doesn't mean that they were always wrong.
The fear thing is probably the worst part of it for me. I think it's a fear of the loss of everything that's so familiar.
I read somewhere that depression is the inability to see a viable future (paraphrased). Fortunately, I do see a time when the storm will pass and things will be better.
I'm already feeling better, at least i'm not on her rollercoaster anymore. I'm now on my own one. I can (sortof) control my own one.
Very true, I see a great future for myself (and my son), not this year yet, but next year. I know that i will get what i want in life, i will chase dreams that i let sleep for years.
I think that I was depressed in this one company i worked for, for about 2 years, as i could not find another job. I stayed there for 4 years, and I wanted to leave after 5 days! This feels a whole lot better than I did then. Wow, that could have added to my wifes earlier waywardness... mmmmmmhhh
Just cos things are going right, doesn't mean that they were always wrong.
One of the arguments I had with W before all this happened was that I found some messages to her friends were she kept telling them I was depressed. I was depressed 8/9 years ago and knew it wasn't the same. For me it was her falling into depression, she asked me to read a book she had many years ago and I only read it over the Christmas holidays. I saw things from my time all those years ago but saw so much of what she was going through now. Of course, trying to tell her that was the same as her trying to tell me all those years ago.
I am on the same page as you regarding kids, I wil make a future with them and make it great, it could be enhanced by my W (the one I knew before) but will make it great for them and me either way.
The roller coaster theme makes me laugh because my W always called our relationship a roller coaster. It sure has had its ups and downs but she felt the only way to get off was to walk away. Instead it just puts us on a different one.
