A New Chapter

[JujuB]

Phoebe, would you date and start a relationship with someone you knew was capable of infidelity?

I know that there are times when infidelity has been the catalyst to improve a relationship for the better. ( I have seen this before). Especially if spouse is truly remorseful and wants back. But with serial cheating I think it's a no go.

Cheating might be a symptom, but to me it's a symptom in which a person cannot cope when things get tough. They cannot deal with reality. Life is filled with hardships, and stresses. It is inevitable. I value loyalty more then anything because I am loyal. (To friends and family as well)

Even knowing my relationship would be better I could not forgive. My own issues/beliefs/values I guess. + more. But everyone is different. Perhaps my views on sex are old fashioned and not very evolved and I am not strong enough to forgive.

I see that we have some stuff in common regarding husband that I was embarassed to discuss. I am going to try to catch up with your situation.

[J5K]

Even knowing my relationship would be better I could not forgive. My own issues/beliefs/values I guess. + more. But everyone is different. Perhaps my views on sex are old fashioned and not very evolved and I am not strong enough to forgive.

JujuB

What could you not forgive? My WW cannot forgive me for filing for D (even after I apologized and regret taking that action) and went right out and started dating online and has now found an OM. Maybe she is more mature mentally than I am and can move on from the MR. Now she has filed for D since I will not move to her city to co-parent even though I stated that I will not be part of an open marriage, she chose to ignore and now we are down the path again to D.

[Painter]

I think there's a difference between forgiving and not staying in the R. We forgive mostly for ourselves, because we don't want to hold on old resentment, but it doesn't mean we have to choose to keep that person in our lives...

In good news: I got the job! Starting in a week or so.

[J5K]

Congratulations on the new job!

Well my sitch is probably a lost cause then because STBXW has moved on. I feel she will resent me for a long time if I get custody of boys and she has to co-parent in Michigan.

[Painter]

Jim, her resentment is not anything for you to worry about. Do what you need to do for the children and yourself. She will be living the consequence of her choices.

[Phoebe]

Way to go, Painter!!!! You rock, and I am so pleased for you.

JujuB, I'm not advocating for anyone to start or stay in a relationship with a serial cheater. I just understand what Painter is saying about the heart being beyond the control of our intellect. Our brains tell us one thing, but our hearts don't always cotton to the idea.

In the other hand, can I forgive someone for cheating? Yes. I think I can, because I know that I am also imperfect, that I once wanted something I wasn't getting in my marriage. Would I take my WH back? Well, that's another thing altogether, and a choice I may never get the opportunity to make.

[Phoebe]

Oh, sorry I didn't answer your question, JujuB.

No. I would not start a relationship with a known cheater. Unfortunately, I'm already IN a relationship with a cheater, one I have already invested 25 years with. It's a different choice for me than starting from scratch.

[J5K]

JujuB, I'm not advocating for anyone to start or stay in a relationship with a serial cheater. I just understand what Painter is saying about the heart being beyond the control of our intellect. Our brains tell us one thing, but our hearts don't always cotton to the idea.

In the other hand, can I forgive someone for cheating? Yes. I think I can, because I know that I am also imperfect, that I once wanted something I wasn't getting in my marriage. Would I take my WH back? Well, that's another thing altogether, and a choice I may never get the opportunity to make.

Phoebe,

I agree with you, I can forgive also since I recognize I am not perfect. I can't say that my STBXW is a serial cheater. I think she has deeper issues that she does not recognize. I am hoping that some of that comes out during the psych eval.

[Painter]

Oh, sorry I didn't answer your question, JujuB.

No. I would not start a relationship with a known cheater. Unfortunately, I'm already IN a relationship with a cheater, one I have already invested 25 years with. It's a different choice for me than starting from scratch.

Yes, huge difference there. If you've invested years, decades, in a R and the person suddenly changes, it's difficult to wrap your brain around. You know a person as being a certain way for 95% of the time you have spent together, and suddenly they are a completely different way... Of course you would hope that this is an abherration and they will somehow return to normal.

More Fedex arrived today. The signed separation agreement, a deed to transfer the house to H, a bunch of titles to sign over. Some mail. No note, nothing.

And I'm feeling a little homesick.

[Phoebe]

Exactly, Painter. My heart wants it to be temporary insanity. My brain is telling me to wake the he11 up. Stupid broken heart-brain axis.

So sorry about the FedEx package and the delivery of disappointment. Every day when I get my mail I steel myself for D papers. The mail has no appeal anymore.