im not persuing her at all this time. i have in the past. but not this time. i let her make the first move EVERY time now. if she text me, i usually respond. not right away, mind you.
but the last 2 days, she has been texting me a lot. ive been tempted to have a full on conversation with her. but ive been cutting it short, purposly. and she just texted me again about a table.....im not going to respond. this is the way she works. i give her an inch and she takes a mile. im not playing her game this time.
when i deem it to be important, i respond, but i dont drag it out . i keep it kinda short. and when i can see that she is picking up on her texting, i pull away a little bit. that is the difference for me. in the past i would have hung onto anything that she gave me, with false hope. now im going to make her work for it a little bit.
There you go, give that tough love. You're tired of working to make things work. Give her a chance to miss you. Let her know that you are there, just not there for her.
Just cos things are going right, doesn't mean that they were always wrong.
This is that push-pull dynamic in full effect! Keep pulling back. Not to play this silly game, but because she is not giving you the M you deserve, so you don't want to fall into the friend zone.
Can someone help me out with this? There was a great post/threads by Starsky a couple years ago with a script on how to set good boundaries in this situation. I have no idea how to go through archives and find things on here. It went something like this tho.
" ... W, I want you to know that if you end your A, you will find that I am willing to work on any and all issues in this M. But until that time, we can only communicate about X, Y, Z ..." I know this is all wrong, but it's about paving the road for WW, but also setting boundaries.
Is there a vet that remembers the script? I think it might help in this sitch.
-Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
i also find it cumbersome to search the threads. i wish i had a script to follow.
for my situation, it's not just about her ending her EA. she claims that's over.....(for now, in my opinion)
it's about her actually wanting me back, for good, forever, and for her to start doing the work, that needs to be done.
im learning still about the push pull dynamic. she seems to only want me to exist in the friendzone. and when i just about get there, i pull away. like i did yesterday. the weekend is coming, and usually she tries to pull me into a relationship talk sometime during the weekend, or tries to set something up for early the next week. this is where i have failed before. this time im ready. and im going to tell her that i already have enough to think about right now. maybe another time.
ok, so i had just said eariler, that i felt she was going to initate a realationship talk. and i was right on target.
i went over to pick up the kids just now. and she asked if i have a few min to talk about us. i said, that i have plenty of things to think about already. that unless something significant has happend, then, i would rather wait and talk some other time.
then she just started to spew at me...nicely, but crying. about how she hates being in limbo land. that she needs to pick a path either single or married. that she needs to make a decision for her own sanity. she doesnt think it will ever work with us. on so on. all the while waiting for me to chime in.
my response was that, i havent decided anything yet. that im still weighing facts vs. emotions. that im not going to rush decisions.
i also told her that i find myself in her shoes sometimes. and what ever other validation things i could say.
so long story short. i listened, i gave no answer either way, i validated her.
also i forgot to mention, she had a box of my stuff packed up for me to take with me.
and reading between the lines, she doesnt like that i am not taking her bait. she doesnt like that she is losing control over me. that i am not chasing her.
i got the feeling that she was just waiting for me to say that i dont want this to work. that i am giving up. i think that she feels that it would make her life or her decision easier if i would give up.
she said, i hope that you are not waiting for me. i said, that i am not waiting for you. i have simply just pumped the brakes a little bit, to work on me. to figure things out. to just be me. i said, that i am moving forward with my life, not moving on, moving forward. ( i said that exactly )
this was a huge test, or temp check, or what ever.
i can see changes taking place in her. it is driving her crazy that i will not give her a direct answer on what im thinking. she is doing everything she can to bait it out of me. She wants me to either chase her, or leave her. and i am doing neither. I am just confident and content in doing neither.
i think yesterday's interaction set things into motion. It was really good for me anyway. yesterday she wanted me to make the divorce or marriage decision, and i told her that I still have another year left to make it. (the law in our state we have 2 years).
yesterday, she said things would never work with us. today as i'm leaving after dropping off the kids, she stood in the doorway and waved good bye as i drove away. first time for that in a loooonnnnggg time. she is so allover the place. im not being mean, but its fun to watch this unfold. it reminds me of where i was about a year ago in some ways.
