Starting to Piece my M back together

[Stormchaser]

Sweet Lord, LiM, your W said the same thing mine did!!!

1. My W asked to come back home (after I gave her the boot). She wanted to try to make it work.

2. "Taking each other for granted" was my W's comment on social media once we got back together. Which is true - I wasn't there for her, and she wasn't there for me.

3. The other night in bed, my W made the comment of how proud she is of me and how far I've come in these last 9 weeks since BD. She said, "this is the husband I've always wanted". Screw you, OM!!!

But seriously, this was a massive wake up call. I've given up alcohol, only having a glass on the weekend (I was up to 3 glasses per night when she was in her A. Pretty sexy, huh? A blob of a guy passed out drunk on the sofa). I've given up junk food and went to the gym. When I discovered the A, I lost close to 25 lbs. I started going to the gym, becoming more engrossed in work and in my kids as well as my extended family. I GAL. I now help my W lose weight and I'm her biggest supporter in the gym. I've motivated HER to become a better person now. And she motivates me.

That's not to say I'm slacking off now. I still see a LOT of room for improvement. Physically, I can still use a few more lbs, which I'm still at the gym 5x a week for. At 52, I've never looked better. But - MENTALLY - that's the big one. I appreciate life more and look forward to every day. I'm a nicer person in general now. My demons that caused her to drift are silent. When they arise, I know how to deal with them now. But I still need work.

I can do this life with or without her now. I've proven to myself that I can handle anything life is throwing my way, even though going through an affair is one of the most painful things you'll experience.

[LiM]

Good for you Storm!

You and I are walking a VERY similar path. I've lost 40lbs since the beginning of the year (mostly due to stress but I am working out almost every day and running). And I must say, I look good. I've got muscles popping out all over the place. I actually probably need to put some weight back on and likely will as I continue to work out. I actually got down to a weight that my W had never seen me at before in our 20+ years together.

I definitely see my role in all of this. I was negligent in a lot of areas. It doesn't excuse what my W did but I was not the father and husband that my family needed and deserved. They've got that now and I'm thankful to have the opportunity to make amends for my shortcomings.

I also realize that I've got some codependency issues. We both do. We've got to work on those issues along with everything else. I know I can go through this life without her but I don't want to. I'd feel less complete if I had to. So I know I need to keep working on me as we move forward.

[CRW]

Man, I really hope one day to be where you are! Good for you!

[LiM]

Man, I really hope one day to be where you are! Good for you!

You can be!
There are certainly no guarantees and a lot rides on your S being able to do what they need to do but I do believe that the DB process is the best shot you have when one of the people in the R has checked out for one reason or the other. The steps are:
1. Detach
2. 180
3. GAL
4. Take a good hard took at yourself and figure out what YOUR issues are. Then start fixing those issues.

If you genuinely do these things, I think you stand a really good chance at saving your R. And even if you can't save your R (because you ultimately have no control over the decisions your S will make), you will personally be in a much better position to handle the end of the R and move forward with your life as a much improved person.

[JksD]

Hi LIM,
I think you're doing a great job at keeping the road paved while making W do the work needed to repair the M.

Wrt W not being the one who ended the A, I think this may actually work in your favour in your sitch. The way her OM has so unceremoniously dumped her on the kerb is a very clear and brutal reminder that OM was not the person she thought he was, that he and the whole A were just illusions, a fog. She is no longer in control. In a way, she may just begin to understand what it is that she has put you through.

I guess what really matters is that she has seen OM for what he is, and the decision to go total NC came from her. If she had been the one to end the A, she will have to get through the guilt for causing the OM anguish. Now, that is a moot point.

[LiM]

Wrt W not being the one who ended the A, I think this may actually work in your favour in your sitch. The way her OM has so unceremoniously dumped her on the kerb is a very clear and brutal reminder that OM was not the person she thought he was, that he and the whole A were just illusions, a fog. She is no longer in control. In a way, she may just begin to understand what it is that she has put you through.

I agree. I wish she would have chosen to end the A on her own but I do see how things are working in my favor with the way they have played out. Through all of this, I have found my faith in God again. So if that's the path I'm going to walk in life, then I have to accept that although its not what I wanted, its what he has given me. And if this is what he wanted me to have then this is what is best for me. I have repeatedly seen God working in my life in a way that I never have before. Its truly amazing. I've got to learn to just be patient and let him do his work on his schedule. I NEVER thought my W would be capable of doing the things she is now doing to repair the damage she has caused. I see that she is doing those things because of the way that this has all gone down. I see her remorse and anger at herself for doing what she did. I sense her sorrow for the pain she caused me to experience. So I'll be thankful for the blessings I've been given, I'll continue to work on myself, I'll ensure that she is doing her part, I'll love her and I'll not use what she has done as a weapon against her. We'll build something better this time around with our focus on the future and not the past.

[LiM]

Just a quick update on my situation.
We go to our first marriage counseling session tomorrow afternoon.
She's contacted her landlord and asked about getting out of her lease so that she can move back home. They've relisted the house and she's already been getting calls on it. I think she is showing it today or tomorrow.
Hysterical bonding is continuing and its been great. She has always been very reserved when it came to sex and she definitely wasn't that way with OM. She's been relaxing with me and we've been trying new things.
We started a Sunday school class based on the book Love & Respect.
This past weekend, I ran a 1 mile race (she came to watch; she can't run yet because of a broken foot and she's in a walking boot) and we've signed up to run a series of 5K's together this Summer. She's a triathlete so I'm finding ways that I can be involved with her activities. I can't compete on her level but I do run, bike and swim so I am able to participate with her on some level. I'm happy about that. I've been doing the Body Beast program since November. I started doing it with my youngest daughter a couple of weeks ago and today, my W started doing it with us.
She's not completely out of the fog. I see her coming to grips with what she has done and her willingness to make changes. I see her realizing what is real vs what she imagined. And its all beautiful. I hate that we had to go through what we did but I see that we have the opportunity now to build something so much better than we had before. Its incredibly painful but I know its worth fighting for.

[Stormchaser]

This is great to hear, LiM.

My HB is starting to wane. We've gone from sex nearly every day to about every 3-4 days, which I think is normal. Actually feels better and more meaningful with the break. And like you, there's been some experimenting - some she's receptive to, some we need to work on.

Our communication is amazing! Its like I'm getting to know a new person, even though we've been together nearly 30 years.

We spend at least 2 hours a day at the gym together. One of the things I regret is mentioning our sitch at work, which spread like wildfire. Our work has a fitness challenge and lots of my coworkers are posting stuff on FB about it. I had posted a pic of my W and I working out - the next day someone actually told me it looked very awkward to see us happy together when 3 months ago I was having a nervous breakdown. My manhood was also questioned - should've expected this in my heavy blue collar line of work.

I don't care. I'm focused on repairing my marriage and not many people get a second chance. We had a disconnect that surely would've led to divorce had this not happened. Like our MC says, she hates the term "blessing in disguise" - the phrase "wake up call" is more appropriate. I HATE that it took this to bring us closer together, but I'm hoping in time the mind movies soften and don't affect me as much as they do today.

[tjcran]

LiM and Storm,

Great reading your stories. Inspiring. Gives me hope.

[CRW]

Thanks to you guys, keep posting, it is great motivation.


How hopeless did you guys feel at one point or another?