CRW, here is one thing you might want to try if you are not sure how to respond or how to act. And take it with a grain of salt because I am coming up with it on the fly. :-) Try doing some mental exercises before responding to her and ask yourself some of these questions:
1. What would it feel like if we had been D for several years and had an amicable R (not a friendship, but amicable)? 2. What should it look/sound like when a separated couple communicates about kids and logistics? 3. What real difference does it make if I respond now or later? What is in the best interest of the kids? 4. If I am waiting, is it to prove a point to her or because I need to wait for an important reason? 5. Does the way in which I respond have a direct affect on my R with W? Does it really make a difference overall to our R?
The reason I bring all this up, is because I think LBS spend a lot of wasted emotional energy trying to mind read, trying to act a certain way, and thinking they can influence the wayward by altering these little details. I am not sure all of that matters. Just focus on you, your kids, and what feels right independent of how you think she will perceive you. That is what confident, strong men do. They don't fret over the details. ... Plus, can you ever really know what she is thinking?
-Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
Stop it. Calm, cool, listen, validate, stick to the point, then exit the conversation. She is in control of herself, and you of you. That is it. Pretend you have been divorced for years and she doesn't affect you. You GOT THIS!
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
Well, that was quite the conversation. S14 is no longer a virgin apparently. Does drama ever stop?
She did start top talk about her schedule and stuff for the evening, at which point I just said that I had to run.
Good job. Go about your day and pay her no mind ...
To the subject of teens losing their virginity? Well, I have been there brother, and I can tell you, that is a stressful journey in and of itself! Yikes. I hope he has some support and someone to talk to. I think you and W HAVE to get on the same page for this tho--you don't want him to get lost in the shuffle and start making poor choices. I know it's hard, but this is much more important than DB right now.
When I was separated from H, my teen took a scary downward spiral, and it was heartbreaking! It was especially challenging to not be able to help/support her together. I think our family still has some trauma from that time and what happened to her. Remember, the kids--and even teens and adult kids--are the only real victims in these sitches.
Best of luck with this.
-Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
Further update, she called me last night, I missed the call and chose to text her back. She seemed irritated by this, but whatever. My brother was over with his gf so I didn't really have time to talk anyway.
I called her back this morning and we chatted about the kids, and S14, now S15. I told her what he told me, basically he was frustrated with the whole situation. She was understanding and thankful for the conversation. I exited it very quickly once we were done talking about the kids.
Me: 38 y/o W: 38 y/o Together: 10 yrs Married: 7 yrs S1, D3, S15(hers previous, I adopted May'15) WBD: Sep '15 W's EA confirmed Oct'15 W Filed Dec '15 Personal awakening Mar'16
So, same pattern has now happened. I detach, and she tries to pick a fight this morning saying that I am not communicating enough with her about the kids. I'm going to be stronger this time though. She sent me a nasty text. This time I called her, and told her that I felt like she sent the text in anger, and that instead of that we need to work through things in an adult manner, especially when it comes to the kids. She agreed, and I exited the conversation.
Me: 38 y/o W: 38 y/o Together: 10 yrs Married: 7 yrs S1, D3, S15(hers previous, I adopted May'15) WBD: Sep '15 W's EA confirmed Oct'15 W Filed Dec '15 Personal awakening Mar'16
Well just what does she want you to communicate? What is it that she feels she isn't being told about the kids? Or......is it more about her need to talk? I'm guessing it is her.
Don't get me wrong. I am not saying you should not communicate. I just feel the real issue here is about her controlling. She is using the kids as her hook.
She may be more irritated at you b/c of S15 losing his virginity. When she thinks you aren't available for her to vent, then she gets angry.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
