For the past few years H has gravitated toward people who are "beneath" him in education or success and usually people who have a problem with alcohol.
I have noticed this with my W also, but all through her life. This is the type of friends she had before we met. She would meet better people, but never get close to them. She would meet these "lower" people and try to become good friends with them. None of the friendships either way lasted, not sure if she realized their ways (many ended up with sticky fingers!), or if I played a part in it by telling my W she is better than that. Her becoming friends with these lower people always seemed to go hand in hand with a low in our M, not sure which caused the other. I am guessing the friends made W miss her previous life and that caused a low in the R.
W's recent new group of friends are similar, she starting hanging out with them in the last year prior to BD, only occasionally, but wanted me to go along. I did occasionally, but didn't care for it. The time with them increased right before BD, and now she practically lives with them. They are borderline alcoholics, a few are into drugs, some of the worst parents I have seen, they have OK jobs but run down messy houses and beater vehicles. Not sure what they spend their money on, other than alcohol.
Originally Posted By: job
They do tend to gravitate toward people who are lower in status because they want to be perceived as better than those around them.
This is similar to what I suspected long ago. And I know I told my W that she is better than them, and questioned why she chose friends like that. W was also an enabler, she liked to help others. I would point out that these people made choices to not help themselves.
Note, I may or may not be dealing with a MLCer, it may be just severe depression.
Depression is the main ingredient of MLC. They go from just being depressed to severely depressed and then withdrawal at some point during their crisis.
Your wife's situation may only be depression...but w/MLC there is always confusion. Is your wife exhibiting confusion too?
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Forgot to mention in the last post, my IC suggested that my W chooses these friends because they are the same "mental age" as herself. "IF" she grows (comes out of it), she will outgrow the friends. I doubt that will happen, ever. Her mother is similar in mental age (13 yr old?), she never did grow. I always was so thankful my W was smarter than her mother.... but now wonder if "love is blind" just made me think that she was smarter.
S11 and D9 were just involved in an activity with this group. We (me, W, S11, D9) went with this group for this activity last year, they were all drinking the whole time, made me fear the safety of S and D. I asked my kids if they saw any alcohol this time, they said they watched carefully and no one was drinking. My W is forcing them to grow up? Or paranoid that I will say/do something if I find out about the alcohol? I can't say what the activity is, worried it will lead W here.
Depression is the main ingredient of MLC. They go from just being depressed to severely depressed and then withdrawal at some point during their crisis.
Your wife's situation may only be depression...but w/MLC there is always confusion. Is your wife exhibiting confusion too?
I think I'm hijacking someone else's thread Mine is here, if you (Job) could post there would be super cool : OFP
Your IC is spot on. They choose people beneath them because they want them to look up to them and they want to be shining stars in all things. As for the mental age, they tend to choose people younger than themselves because of their emotional and mental state of being "younger" in their own minds. Will they ever change? Some do, some don't.
No one knows what is going thru her head right now. It could be that someone else had an issue w/alcohol and don't want to have it around minors for fear of getting busted, but whatever the reason, I'm glad your kids didn't see any being passed around.
Try to keep the focus on you and your kids. Leave your wife to twirl in the wind.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thank you to bttrfly, HW, Sotto, Job, Bright, Esame and OFP for all the kind words and support.
Esame, I was saddened to read the news about your MIL. It will be long, tough road for her, but I hope all ends well.
OFP, it appears that some grow up, some don't (as Job said). All we can do is focus on taking care of ourselves and our children.
Bright, the facials started with a chemical peel and now I'm on to the laser treatments. Both are evening out the tone of my skin and I look much healthier. Some of the fine lines have diminished, but I wasn't so much concerned with those as I was the age spots. Those will take several treatments, depending on the depth of the pigment. Some of the smaller ones have disappeared. Overall, I'm very satisfied. Just have to really watch the sun exposure for now.
I managed to get the car started on Saturday, drove it for a while and then took it for the inspection. I couldn't get the inspection done because the dead battery caused the "brain" in the car to get wiped out so there was no data to check. I have to put some miles on it before I can get it inspected so I'm driving it this week instead of the one I usually drive. (The one needing inspection is 14 years old and I only use it for trips to the nursery and other dirty jobs.) Hopefully I can get the inspection done this weekend. Learned something new!
H back today. I have such mixed feelings about that. Part of me is curious to see "who" returns and part of me just doesn't want to spend time with him. I just can't work up any positive feelings about his visit. I'm just kind of ho-hum.
With the exception of his last trip back when he had his assistant in tow, I usually get the "speech" about what he is and isn't going to do and how he's going to lead his life and how great his life is over there. I just don't want to listen to it. Add to that all the lies I've discovered since he left last time, and I just find it hard to have any good feelings about him right now. I just find myself wondering what kind of drama we'll have this time?
Dinner tonight should give me a good impression of "who" I'm dealing with this time while in a safe environment. We usually go out to dinner with his parents when he's here, so the invite wasn't surprising to me. It was asking me ahead of time that surprised me. I guess he figured out after I declined last time that I do have a life, do not have to drop my plans to accommodate his and if he wants me to join him in something, he needs to ask more than an hour ahead of time.
Should be an interesting evening.
Me: 59 and holding H: :53 Me: 1 S, 1 D, both grown M: 19 T: 23 BD: 9-23-2013
It was so weird though. I felt no "loving" feelings at all for him. It was as though I was having dinner with a casual friend. Just weird.
At one point I was listening to him talk and found myself wondering if he had been wining and dining other women. It didn't upset me or cause any anxiety ... just a passing thought.
He said at least one thing that I knew was a lie. He told his parents he would be here for two weeks. I know he's booked to go back next Thursday. I'm wondering if he'll come up with a reason why he had to change things and leave early or will find some other reason that he thinks his parents will buy. During that conversation, he also threw out there that he would be here most of July. That would be a departure from the norm, but I don't really think that will happen.
He gave me the impression that he expects to spend a great deal of time at my place to work on some business issues we've been dealing with the past couple of weeks. Once he said that, he added ... I don't know what you have planned, but we need to talk about this stuff.
There was a time when that would have been music to my ears, but I find myself dreading the thought of having him invade that much of my "personal" time and disrupting my routine. I'm just not looking forward to it and don't quite know how to handle it. I don't want to be nasty but I'm not sure what kind of boundary, if any, to put in place.
He was a little put out with me for using my own airline miles to purchase a ticket for myself instead of asking to use his. I also mentioned something about not being able to get my hanging baskets done so a friend could have hung them for me last week. (Ladder needed on rocky area .... not for me alone) He seemed put out about that, too and said he would do that for me. He wants to feel needed???
I still don't have a good read on which h I'm dealing with and will have to see how things go for a day or two.
In the meantime, I have a pretty good read on me and I think I can handle whatever comes my way. I never really thought I would look at him and not have my heart ache, but that's exactly what happened tonight.
Time ... that precious gift Cadet tells us about.
Me: 59 and holding H: :53 Me: 1 S, 1 D, both grown M: 19 T: 23 BD: 9-23-2013
I'm glad you went to dinner and were able to observe his behavior in a relaxed setting. Sounds like he's settled down a bit and is coming across as a friend right now. Listen closely and sift thru what comes out of his mouth. You'll learn more this way rather than asking questions.
As for his time frame for leaving, time has no meaning to them. He may think he's got an additional week or so and didn't realize his departure date is right around the corner. Again, time is very slow for them and they don't remember dates very well.
As for him spending time w/you to discuss business issues, can't that be done at the office and not in your home? What about going somewhere and discuss issues over coffee?
I would take advantage of his good nature and if he wants to help you hang flower pots or whatever, take him up on it...but be sure to thank him for it. In a way he wants to be needed and recognized for his work and after all, he looks to you as a good friend right now. Friends help friends...right?? But, again, you have to decide whether or not you want him around you in your space.
Time is a very precious gift and we all need to use it wisely, but also enjoy ourselves in the process of learning about ourselves.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thanks Job for you input. I always appreciate your viewpoint.
H suggested at the office today that he come to the house this evening and we have a pizza and some beers while we discussed some business stuff. I didn't have anything planned and was curious as to what is up with him, so I agreed.
Very interesting evening. One thing he mentioned a couple of times is that he felt like he would need to come back here more often to help me with the business stuff. I told him I was glad to hear that because some of the business dealings were over my head, that BIL couldn't assist and I needed his help. I kind of played up his business skills and how much I needed his input. (Validation and cheer leading I suppose.)
He realized how much I had handled here at the house on my own without him and I talked a little bit about my "adventures" in handling some of those things. When we got to the sprinkler system, he immediately offered to check them out for me, but I told him I had hired someone else to take care of it because ...
He asked what I had been doing to keep busy and if I was involved with any "groups." I answered him honestly ... no, no groups. I told him I get all the socialization I need at the office and most days when I left I did what we both wanted years ago when we worked for the same organization - peace and quiet. I added that I did do things with others now and then, but no groups. He replied that he needed to be "social." I just validated and said everyone is different in what they need.
I mentioned how expensive it was to maintain this house and that led to a discussion about the "future." I told him that this house would be too much for me to maintain (alluding to a life without him or the income I currently get from our business) and that down the road I would probably rent a condo or townhouse that didn't require yard maintenance, etc. He asked, "So, you want to sell the house?" I said not now, but I couldn't stay here long term (again alluding to a future on my own without the business income).
He talked about his activities over there and the people who live in or near his new place (all important, of course). He talked about all the new "groups" he's involved in and how much he enjoys them. I basically said I was glad for him.
He mentioned an outing that may take place around his birthday and I said it was nice that his friends were planning something special for that day. Then he backed off and said it wasn't "for his birthday," just that weekend.
One thing he noticed immediately upon coming in the house (basically though a walkway from another room) was a vase of flowers on the coffee table. Every once in a while when I feel like I need a pick-me-up, I order some flowers for myself ... seeing them makes me smile. I did that late last week and they still look pretty good. Anyway, he saw them right away and said, "Nice flowers." I just said, "Yes, they are pretty" and nothing more. I don't care if he thinks someone else sent them or I sent them to myself. All I care about is he realize I deserve a little "cheer" in my life once in a while and I can do that for myself if I need to. But, I hope it has him wondering.
Overall, it was a pleasant evening and I didn't get the "speech" but he seemed uncomfortable. I'm not going to speculate why. I don't know if he's holding back on something that he thinks will be hurtful or processing that I'm doing just fine without him ... although it costs me money to do so. It could be another bomb waiting to explode (wouldn't surprise me) or it could be what you think, Job ... he's settling down. Only time will tell.
In the meantime, no expectations. I'm still focused on taking care of me. I feel sorry for him and hope he finds his way, but I have to focus on taking care of me.
Me: 59 and holding H: :53 Me: 1 S, 1 D, both grown M: 19 T: 23 BD: 9-23-2013
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