Who am I and what do I want?

[CWOL]

A secondary and growing concern I continue to have is just how different my W and I are. We enjoy such different things, and my W has never had any interest in trying activities that we could both enjoy. We are just so different in some fundamental ways, philosophically. When I imagine a future with her, even if we can heal from the affairs, I imagine it always being somewhat sad and unfulfilling for me. It was always like this, even before she became wayward. The magnitude of what would have to change for me to feel really happy and fulfilled just seems so unrealistic. I am awkwardly inching toward admitting that all along, I was minimizing my needs and staying in denial about how unfulfilled I was. Don't get me wrong though, my W is such a lovely person. We are just so different. I think I may just be an idiot when it comes to wisely assessing whether someone is right for me.

I think all the LBH's on this forum have the same issues as you. However, regarding fundamental differences between you and your W: What was it initially that drew you two together when you first met? Why did you decide to get married? Thinking back to that time may help you set your focus on whether the current differences are superficial or central to your marriage.

[JGuy]

I think all the LBH's on this forum have the same issues as you. However, regarding fundamental differences between you and your W: What was it initially that drew you two together when you first met? Why did you decide to get married? Thinking back to that time may help you set your focus on whether the current differences are superficial or central to your marriage.

When we first met, I was at a low place in terms of self-esteem. She validated me. I felt valued just as I was. I liked her open heart and how giving she was. How beautiful she was. In the first 2 years of our R, I found that we just didn't fight. Ever. Sometimes conflicts would come up, but she would never allow herself to sink into negativity like my previous GFs would. She would avoid conflict, but it didn't seem to matter because things seemed to be OK.

I really liked how smooth things seemed to be, despite feeling like it was unhealthy how she avoided conflict entirely. It seemed too good to be true. Now that the truth is coming out, I realize it was too good to be true. She did have all those normal feelings of adversity when conflicts came up, but she would sweep them all under the carpet. Her whole technique was to avoid conflict, and this is what killed our intimacy. I just wasn't wise enough then to realize what was happening.

I realize now that I need a woman who can show up in conflict and represent her own feelings and needs. Conflict is intimacy, they go hand in hand! It's all about doing conflict the healthy, mature way. Sinking into negativity is unhealthy, but so is avoiding. I am definitely learning a lot from all this!

[JGuy]

Hey folks, it's been awhile so time for an update.

Over the past couple of weeks, I have continued to think a lot about what it would really take for this M to work out. My W continues to say that she wants to make it work somehow, but admits she has no idea how. She just wants to forget about the problems, hopeful that the pain might just go away on its own without us having any real conversations about the issues. She admits this probably isn't realistic but this is honestly what she wishes for. The dynamic continues as it always has: Me trying to start conversations and put issues on the table for resolution. Her avoiding and dragging her feet, not participating in the discussion at all. To her credit, she is less evasive than she used to be, and more honest about stating the truth about how she is feeling. This is good and I have told her so. So has the MC. We can only start from where we are at, so honesty and showing up as you are is essential. I can see how she really is doing the best she knows based on who she is and how she was raised. I love her, yet there's so much more I need from her to be able to make it through this together. I have been facing that more squarely now and it's been really difficult.

We were gradually getting more intimate with each other again, cuddling kissing etc. and last week we had sex. This was the first time since the BD in November. It happened from a place where both of us were A) missing each other, and B) wanting to be experimental, try anything to see if it helps. It was really nice and I think we both enjoyed it, but it still had the same old feeling of imbalance where I was initiating everything and she didn't seem to be 100% present or into it. Despite enjoying it, I was left with the feeling that things had not fundamentally changed in the way I would need them to in order to feel secure. In the days that followed, it brought up a lot of old feelings about the affairs which I thought I had overcome. I started feeling all the pain again, the rejection and abandonment. The images in my mind of her with the OM. I needed way more reassurance and more evidence that she really wants me. That something fundamental has changed.

Last Saturday we had a conversation where I expressed how I was feeling, and I revealed this need for reassurance. In that conversation, she went silent like she always has done in the past whenever there's conflict. I didn't get any response from her at all, other than her withdrawing and needing to be alone. The next night we talked again and the same thing happened. I told her about how I really don't blame her, but for this to work for me I would need her to be an active participant by showing up in these conversations. I had been doing a lot of thinking about everything and I had identified a number of areas where we are not aligned with each other. For starters, I want a R in which the love is a priority and we both have the desire to push through the difficult issues together. She wants a R in which it's all easy and she doesn't have to get out of her comfort zone. She wants someone who will just accept her as she is without wanting anything more. Obviously, this misalignment is a problem and this R cannot recover unless we resolve it. When I put it this way, she got overwhelmed and silent.

That night, with her there, I removed my ring. I told her that it was to symbolize the fact that as things stand, I have no choice but to give up. That unless we can face these issues and both have a desire to seek alignment, there really isn't any way that it can work out.

Monday morning, her ring was off too. But then on Tuesday she put it back on again after she had an IC session. We then had an MC session together on Wednesday. I prepared for that session carefully my writing down the main issues that would need to be resolved in order for me to feel like there is hope. I presented those issues to her in front of the MC. The MC confirmed that they were all valid issues. She also pointed out that my W is working hard on herself. We acknowledged the large chasm between us and we were able to do so without any blame, only sadness. By the end of the session it seemed more certain that we were weren't going to be able to make it work.

For the last two days I have been in a lot of pain, feeling the sadness of what it will mean to really end our M. Not sure why I would wait and continue hoping any longer. I have to value myself enough to stay firm in knowing what I would need from her in order for this to work, and I have to genuinely respect her choice. If she doesn't want to or simply cannot meet me there, then that may not be her fault. Maybe we are just a bad match for each other and that doesn't mean that anyone is to blame. But it's just really sad. I'm on the edge of the cliff now... looking over the edge, afraid to jump.

[dream]

Anything new?

[JGuy]

Hey folks, I did it. I jumped off the cliff, and to my surprise, I was able to fly!

I won't go into much detail, but long story short is that my STBXW and I have both come onto the same page about not being a good match for each other. There is a lot of love between us as we happily let each other go. There is some excitement about the future. We are proceeding to take the steps toward D with a mediator and without a vicious fight. It is wonderful and I could not have hoped for more. Our son is doing great, is showing no signs of distress. We are planning to do things gradually so as to not make the changes too sudden for him.

We have both given each other our blessings to go and be with whoever makes our heart most happy. For me, it is starting to bloom with the OW who I first met in the dream. For my STBXW, it is happening with the OM with whom she started the EA. We are all choosing to be loving and let go of what wasn't working in order to make room for something new and way more awesome. Since I don't want the complications of a rebound R, I am taking it very slow with the OW. The foundation of our R is a deeply spiritual friendship. We both have a sense that there is no hurry, that we have forever together. We both feel like we have found our soul mate, and we want to start it out with a really strong friendship, so we are focusing on building that for now.

Last night, the OW came over to visit me for the evening and my STBXW was here. We were all together and we laughed about the awkwardness. The two of them hugged, cried, and had a long conversation. I was stunned and could not believe how much love I was witnessing. I hugged them both and we all laughed, in awe at just how much grace we were bearing witness to. My STBXW headed off to work and the OW and I had a nice evening. My son loves her too! I am truly blessed. Life can sometimes throw miraculous curve balls.

In the end I am glad that I took these 6 months to try my best to save the M. I can look back knowing that I put in my best effort. I did not burn any bridges and I kept things respectful and loving. It has paid off big time!

Thanks to everyone who offered their advice on my threads. I have learned a lot from the folks here, and even when it didn't fit for me, I appreciate that it was given with good intentions.

[DDJ]

Wow, very nice story JGuy, proof that you never know what tomorrow can bring - even when you can't deal with today.

[dream]

So you've gone from being with your wife to being with the OW... What has changed within yourself? How are you going to make this relationship a success? Are you still seeing your IC?

[MoveFrwd]

We have both given each other our blessings to go and be with whoever makes our heart most happy.

So both you and your W have the solution that being with someone else is the solution to being happy?

We are all choosing to be loving and let go of what wasn't working in order to make room for something new and way more awesome.

Again, this feels like shifting the blame. Just saying "my old M didnt work, time to start something new" isnt really a great long term solution. Why will this one be better? Because you met this lady in a dream?

Since I don't want the complications of a rebound R, I am taking it very slow with the OW.

Slow? This OW has already met your child. Speaking like this "we have forever together" doesnt sound slow at all to me.

I was stunned and could not believe how much love I was witnessing. I hugged them both and we all laughed, in awe at just how much grace we were bearing witness to.

This whole interaction blows my mind. You can call it 'love' and 'grace' if you want to. That seems pretty holier than thou for someone in two relationships.

I dont mean to come off as rude. I will go back and read your old threads. But to see the update 3 weeks ago where you are standing for your marriage to now believing youve met a "forever soulmate" seems to be an incredibly fast. I believe you are holding this new woman up on a pedestal because she isnt W and hasnt hurt you. Im worried that in a few months, you will look back in regret.

To me, youve reinforced your W's decision to seek out OM - why wouldnt she be happy?

[otw]

I really dont have a comment, but for all of those posting here i think you need to go back and read all of this situation and you will understand this outcome.

I just hope that the child involved is ok through all of this and can always have love around them and a consistent group of people staying with him/her through life

[dream]

I've been following this story from the start. It's clear to me that JGuy and his W are both in the fog. His son must be so confused to see his father with another woman in front of his mother.