8. One other thing. There were a couple of times I had asked him for child support, he made a subtle threat. I cant be sure though, but I am pretty sure it was one. It was about him getting more time with son if I asked him for money. I Always followed through with a "I want you to have more time".
Husband has brought it up on a couple of occasions that he is going to have to leave the state and that he might be looking for job in a different state. He says that he wont be able to afford it here (very true, even when we were together this was something we were going to do)
He could be saying this so that I will ask for less. He could really want to leave and this will be his way of justifying his leaving son in his own mind and to his friends and family. By making it out like I am a money grubbing wife that is exploiting the system. (it has not left my mind that he did extend a supposed business trip out west to valentines day weekend)
i know i could be speculating and catastrophising. But i dont want to look back later and say "of course. how stupid was I. It was all there. I was just too stupid to see "
I need to look at this as strictly business (I am not a business person)without letting my emotions get in the way. I have absolutely no hope of reconciliation at this point so thats not the issue. When i reread the child support stuff, i dont really want to reconcile with someone capable of that. I realize that my perception can be off and biased but i dont think so regarding that.
How have others mentally went through the process?
Thanks jksd. Thats all done. I guess no one wants to deal with the actual process of it. I do want to do it the right way though. I want to avoid a nasty battle, I want to be fair, I do not want to be taken advantage of.
6. 6 months before BD he was putting a lot of pressure for me to return to work full time. He was really nasty about it. Told me to "figure it out. Other people do it" when it was logistically disadvantageous. past year he was telling me if we were to reconcile I would have to work full time.
7. He lived with my parents for a year and had potential to save a lot of money. He says he did not. He refused to move out in apt to work on our marriage (we could have afforded it) unless I went back to work full time. lawyer thinks he had this planned for a while. I don't necessarily think that's true, but I think he was really with one foot out the door and had to have thought about the legal advantage.
I've had the same pressure. And a lot of anger over me not having a good job for year. I actually said straight out in counseling that I suspected that H wanted me to get a job so he could divorce me and pay less alimony. He acted surprised and the counselor had not seen that angle at all.
But I also pointed out that it was never a problem until OW was in the picture.
Do you suspect an A?
M 16 yrs, WH62, P54 3 adult blended kids EA 11/13, BD1 6/14 PA fall 14, BD2 2/15 Piecing 2015, BD3 12/15 Separated 4/16 WH moved OW in 5/16 Divorced 6/15/17
I got through by keeping a laser focus on one thing: Making my choices impeccable.
The world isn't fair and doesn't work the way I wish it did. In my case things worked out absolutely unfairly. A woman that I gave my life to and supported for 10 years kicked me out of the house, had a series of affairs, and filed for divorce. The results?
Her: She retained the house, latched onto the kids where I had roughly 10 hours a week with them as 'visitation', didn't work a single hour since BD nearly 2 years ago, has lived on estimated maintenance and support payments and tons of government aide, and finally took one college course which she failed. Her days consist of hanging out with the children, partying at night, and having guys sleep over in what was our marital bed, all the while feeling entitled to this lifestyle and me supporting her entirely because I am the dad of her kids.
Me: I live in a two bedroom apartment with my 3 kids sharing one bedroom, working a corporate high stress B2B sales job trying to support two households, while fighting for increasing opportunity to be a part of my children's life as birthdays pass and days and months and years roll by.
J, this is sick. Disgusting. Repulsive. The fact that our court system somehow supports this is loathsome. The fact that society agrees with this is hideous. I say society agrees because probably many women that read this will wonder what I feel is wrong about this, so maybe this will fail to serve as an example because the indentured servitude of males post divorce is so normalized that people might not even see a problem, just like people would have thought you were crazy for suggesting slavery was wrong 300 years ago. But it is absurd. Point is that in the beginning it seemed to outrageous I didn't know how to handle it.
But then I just decided that I wouldn't worry about any of it. I'd just focus on how I responded.
So I made the best choices I could. Worked hard. Was a good dad during the time I had my children. Cooperated where I could as a coparent. Got good legal council. Did my best to be a strong man and make healthy choices every day. Tried to model strength to my children. And above all to be appreciative.
Because while it is twisted that I have to pay for the next 4 years+ to support my XW, and while my quality of life has been 25% of hers despite doing 100% of the earning...I am still VERY blessed by the life I have. I am healthy. I have good family, friends, and awesome children. I have a rewarding and high paying career. I have some amazing talents that bring me joy. And quite frankly if you ranked every human that has ever lived on Earth throughout history by quality of life I would still be in the top .01%. So, really...what am I griping about?
So J, by being appreciative for what I have, and focused on doing right by my own standards day by day, great things have happened for me. This last year has been so fulfilling for me, and 2016 is looking even brighter. My children and I have never been closer, I have probably never been happier, and I am content. Deep down content, for the first time I can remember. And I can sleep like a baby at night knowing I am proud of the choices I've made.
Funny thing is as time passes, our choices ultimately make our reality. My lease is up 7/1, and I will be moving into a bigger place, with more room for my children, and room for a pool table (hooray!). I am getting better at my job and have the potential to make more, much more in the future. And there is some financial closure on this situation, so while I may have to pay her unthinkable sums of money for breaking her vows, and while she will get to keep the home which has 12 years left on the mortgage which was going to be my retirement while I start renting a house now with a 5 year plan to start all over again by 2020...my quality of life is going up. Oh, 50% custody starting 6/1/16. So bigger place, more money, and kids half the time. And in a few short years the maintenance will go away, and I will literally have another salary on top of what I make now (yes, it is gross what she gets for walking away). Meanwhile, for her? Well, she will have to reap what she sows. Maybe she'll do well for herself, maybe not, I don't know and I don't really care. But in the end, she has to live with herself, and I just have to deal with her for two emails a month.
My point is J that by doing what's right and being appreciative for what you have you can find peace and joy in the here and now, and that your future will gradually become what you make of it. Yes, there is some short term heartbreak, no, you can never replace a lost marriage to the parent of your children, the world isn't fair. But if you play your cards right you will feel good about who you are and will be open to the joy around you.
As for you, I would just voice all of your concerns to your L, then trust them to steer you in the best way possible. Will you avoid every pitfall? Nope. Maybe you get the short end of the stick in some ways. In fact, it's likely, because there's no way to divide up two lives exactly fairly, it will be bumpy. But in the end it's what you do with the life that you have left after the surgery that will determine your future. And it's what you do to appreciate the life you have now that is the biggest predictor of something more important...how much you will be able to enjoy your future.
Take care,
A J fan.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
I have no proof. I never looked when I had the chance. The signs were there. It would make sense. I would have to be pretty naive to think my husband is the only one to walk away and not have someone else.
During last argument I had made a comment, something like "it's not like there was any infidelity" and there was that distinct pause from husband.
I have been with him for 14 years. That pause stands out to me. I know how ridiculous that sounds. There have been some odd statements as well.
Cheating is a non negotiable for me. I think it's the absolute worst thing someone can do to someone else. Husbsnd would never admit it to me if he did. He knows me as well.
I like what you say about not focusing on "getting the short end of the stick" . That type of outlook can be destructive. I do not want to be that bitter and angry person anymore. I am happy that my anger has been subsiding. While I no longer have hope for restoring my marriage, I am feeling more hopeful about my life and future. Making choices that you know are right versus choices that are savvy (can't think of a better word) and short termed may certainly lead to a healthier and happier out like.
In a way, I am kind of lucky because I do not have to deal with the material loss that others have. I never really had anything, so nothing to lose. I went to a few support group meetings with some very wealthy wives. Some were having a hard time coping with downsizing. There was no real adjustment period for me. Our finances, bills, benefits were all separate. Our lives were separate. My lawyer remarked upon the dysfunction of such a set up.
Your situation, and the situation of many of the higher earning LBS has been beyond unfair. It takes a very strong person to not be consummed with anger and resentment (although completely understandable and normal). It scares me that my brother could one day be faced with a similar situation. I wish the courts did take into consideration who walked away and the infidelity factor (I won't even get into my thoughts on how the courts should handle infidelity. It's essentially a breach of contract. But much worse).
I am pretty aware that husband sees me as the abusive wife that pushed him out and is going to receive court' s support. It hurts.
Anyway thank you always for your inspirational postings. They are so helpful to me.
I have been in a new mood recently. I don't know if it's due to my hypnotherapy sessions, or perhaps it's because husband committed to divorce and no more limbo, or perhaps I am just naturally entering into acceptance phase of my situation.
I am definatly detached from my husband. I feel nothing for him. I do not wish him harm. I do not care if there is OW, I Do not care what he decides to do regarding leaving this state. Because it really does not matter to me. My life will go on regardless and so will sons life and we can make it a happy one.
Hopefully this is a permanent feeling because it's comfortable.
I reread your last post to me, and the way that you have made it through your situation and continue to do so is really amazing. You are mentally tough. I have a lot of respect for you and hold you in the highest regards.
