my wife can't decide (II)

[WillDo]

She just asked for her passport photo. Sent it straight away and she thanked me. So strange. I know I am betrayed but I put up with it. Just like a read on about.com. Again about MLC. My brain and heart are disconnected.

[WillDo]

All I will tell her in the counselling session that I want her to stop any communication with OM without getting into any detail.

[WillDo]

Should I ask her to respect me and not lie?

[WillDo]

I feel so bad deep down but keeping my head up and living with the lies. Right now she is at a concert of which she had purchased the tickets 6 months ago. I knew about it but she said just today that a friend at work had a spare ticket. I can't imagine how brave she has become. What if a friend see her.. I can't confront. She is in MLC. She does whatever she desires. Whatever I do, nothing changes.

[WillDo]

Counselling, does it help?

She left us with saying make up your mind. Do you want to be together or separate and they would help accordingly?

Really? Is that how you help? Before we went in W was happy to cease it. For next session the counselor wants us to discuss. I paid for another session. I found it so much away from psychological help.

[SM34]

I had suggested to you many months ago to AVOID at all costs, any counseling. It doesn't work until there are clear and honest efforts by WAW to fix the M. Stop this as soon as you can. Counselor already gave both of you an ultimatum to decide by next session....something that doesn't need to be decided soon. And indeed forcing a decision now will only lead to a negative outcome.

But more important here is "she says I made her feel bad". Why would you do that? For your ego? Do you want her back or not? Who wants to be with someone who makes them feel bad?

If she reached out and invited you to something, even if you knew she had planned to go with someone else, why wouldn't you go? I mean, if YOU want to go. She reached out to you to crack the door open, and you jammed her fingers in the door.

Look. I'm not sure if you have thought your position out. And I'm not on the forums too much. So I'll just try to summarize what worked for me, and I was in almost the exact situation as you....

You need to be the fun one. YOU become the ones she WANTS to be around. You never make her feel bad. That's not the same as being a doormat at all so don't get the wrong idea here. Doormat is telling her thank you when she disrespects you so that's not what I'm saying. I'm saying if she initiates and shows desire to spend time with you, you take her up on that offer. You act casual, like someone who is going to enjoy the event that you have tickets for. Nothing more nothing less.

You drop the relationship talks. NOW. AND IMMEDIIATELY. You are do no good by forcing her to think about whether she wants to leave or stay. She's said she wants to leave you and this hasn't changed. What needs to change to force a change in your stalemate is YOU.

GET UP AND DO STUFF. Be happy. Sing your favorite songs in the shower. Hum a tune. Be happy! Because your alive and life is great!

Positivity is comtagious. And more importantly negativity is not only contagious but it's the plague. You've been negative and a downer for s long time and trust me I know how that is. And she's absorbed all of your negativity for years until she cannot pososbly absorb anymore of it without going absolutely insane!! She's held on FOR A LONG TIME!

Find the old guy again. Find that guy she loved. Find that guy that YOU loved. Find the guy who was fun and easy going. Find that guy that didn't have something negative to say to her every single time you open your mouth. Remind yourself how to compliment her. Practice on other people too. Can you compliment her once a week? How about once a day? Nothing sexual, she isn't there yet. But perhaps about your daughter?

"Wife, the way you handled that melt down with D was awesome! ". And say it and really mean it. Remind yourself why you chose this person to be our other half because it's the fact that you forgot those reasons that actually led you to fall asleep at the wheel. Remind yourself brother. And let it sink in. Don't do anything about your M right now. It's in a deadlock that will take time to resolve. But your only chance lays in your ability to find the old magic you once had. One day at a time ...

Can you compliment your daughter? Don't use shallow things like how she looks etc. Can you compliment her intelligence? Can you tell her how much she means to you? There is nothing more attractive to a woman than a man who is a loving father and who's daughter loves him and wants to spend time with him. This isn't a trick to play on anyone this is an honest return to YOU being YOU the wonderful man who has so much to offer the world. The man that women love, the man that YOUR wife loved.

What are you doing to change your own life? What about changing the dynamic at home?

[1313]

The only counseling I would recommend would be Michele.

Other than that - I can say without a doubt that counseling probably escalated and sped up my D. It was the wrong thing to do, and would have been easier and more fun to set a $1k bill on fire.

For the moment, I would highly recommend a DB coach if you can swing it, and at the very least follow Sandi's rules. You've GOT to do this before it's too late. I totally understand your trepidation and hesitation. In the heat of the moment it's hard not to. Disconnect, go dark as possible, GAL.

[WillDo]

It has been a year yes and you all possibly don't remember me. I wanted to be close to her tonight. Just a gentle touch and she said she doesn't like it. Told me that we are together for getting alone. Not marriage. I have been changing. I have been GALing. Not doing relationship talks. I said I respect her and that I still feel hurt as I feel there is an affair. She said there was none. I asked when it was the last time she saw him and if she was still texting him. This was a boundry I had put. She said she doesn't remember when last she saw him but was texting. She asked again why I was suspicious. Well on her mothers mobile I was a picture of him and her celebrating his birthday and I had noticed she was hiding a sweater.

She kept on asking about f I knew something and I said no. She went and slept at the other room.

I continue to act as if . Not sure what tomorrow will bring but sorry this is the only place I let it out. I was assertive this time. I said I will continue to respect and work.

[WillDo]

It is morning now. She asked about D and how to divide assets. I said I don't want a D. She said I should leave as kids settings shouldn't change. I said I don't want them to suffer with seperation. I am doing 180 and she is saying abbornal by acting happy.

[WillDo]

Will take the girls to ballet now. I also hd told her I won't touch her again. I had alao said I know tge affair. She today said og probably saw him before Xmas. She will be at home country and be subnitting divorce papers. She said I beeded a lawyer blah blah blah