There is a difference in being friendly to someone, and having a friendship. Perhaps in your attempts in detaching, you come across as being cold or angry. You can be detached and still conduct yourself in a polite, even friendly manner. However, you don't have to become their BFF.
If she initiates a R talk, then my advice is to just listen and not contribute to the discussion. If she starts down a bad avenue, you can always dismiss yourself. Nobody is forcing you to stay there and hear what she has to say.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
thank you for that info. this is one place where i need to grow. i have always been a hot or cold person. and i have come across as way too cold to her lately. or so im told. i need to learn how to be warm, just warm.
im going to attempt to listen and not really say much, just act mysterious.
I used to think I was a good listener and fairly good at communication, but I've decided that I've been awful at both. I'm working on it.
I don't believe I'll ever master the mysterious stuff. I've always told my wife where I was going and what I was doing. I'm not sure I could leave the house without giving away my entire mysterious dude plan. There is one thing I'm considering; I might go to Goodwill and buy some dresses and hang them in my closet and then put some sex change information in strategic places around the house. That might get her thinking.
e04355, I think you answered your own question. It's not about being hot or cold--this is the opposite of detachment--and both are forms of a strong attachment.
Listen, validate, and be polite; it's not about being hot or cold. How would you treat your neighbor--they are being a pain in the blank, but they are still your neighbor, so best to get along, but at the same time create space. Also have boundaries--you don't have to let anyone just rant at you--and this is healthy and normal in any R. If she gets carried away with complaining or blaming, you can respectfully exit the conversation. You can create boundaries, while maintaining respect, "W, you seem really upset about this. I hear you and I am sorry you feel this way. Right now, you have given me a lot to think about, but I don't think it helps to talk about this any further." Conversation over.
Mostly though, keep the focus on you and your happiness. You can't read her every move. Women are attracted to strong and confident men, not ones that wait around or are needy. So chin up and keep on being a great H and dad that you are.
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
good news !!!! my waw suckered me into coming over tonight and talking for 2 hr, to tell me that her OP dumped her. (it was only an EA this time) i know, sad isnt it that i put it this way. but anyway..... she him hawed around for a long time and then told me that its over, at least for now between them. unfortunately on his terms. i see this as a win for me.
she said that she thinks that it will never work between her and i, yadda yadda yadda.
but then why did she invite me over then????
i told her that i wasnt sure what i wanted, and that im working on being a great dad and working on myself right now.
Ok, tread lightly my friend, tread lightly. Deep breaths. You still have the gift of TIME. DB continues. And she is still on the fence--she may stay there for a long while, or she may jump off tomorrow and cry and beg for you back. Or she may waffle in between. She is still in the fog. Do not mind read and do not let her control how you move forward.
Continue to focus on you and be the best man and dad you can be. Do not initiate contact, pursue her, or wait around for her to pursue you. Continue to GAL and stay active. Keep that chin up. If she wants to talk, just listen for now and validate.
TIME is your friend. Consistency over time is louder and stronger than any words that either of you can say. You and still #1.
-blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
yes, to all of that. i am going to continue to give her space, and let her persue me. i know that its going to take some time and i need to see her make the changes, before i would consider giving her another shot.
there is still tons of work to be done for both of us. but this is a great starting point. im glad that he is gone for now. but thats just it.....for now. i has to stay gone for awhile. and she will need to fully committ to me and our marriage. until then, im going to be friendly, but not her bff. and listen to my coach and this forum.
as far a GAL goes, i dont talk about it much on here, because, that really isnt a problem for me. im busy all the time. today, im over booked, and i dont know how im going to fit it all in. i have grown my circle of friends larger than it has ever been. ive taken up several new hobbies in the last year and i cant get enough of it. my coach told me that im ahead of the curve on the GAL stuff.
im treading lightly with her. when i moved out, i fully comitted to giving our marriage 1 year to make a decision. im not going to make my decision out of anger, rage, lonelyness, false hope etc. im just going to be me and be a awesome dad. good things will come either way this goes.
i agree with you sandi, she is still in a very bad place, and this is far from over. But i cant help but be happy, that there was a change. yes, she is still wayward, yes she is still in the fog, yes she is still confused. but every litle change, every little step is an opportunity for her to realize what is going on. as compared to day in day out same thing over and over.
but yes, still half a world away from being where it needs to be.
today was a really great day. i spent it doing what i love jiu jitsu in the morning. my kids all day playing at the river and then watching the ufc fitghts with the kids and my best buddy. now i have 6 kids sleeping at my apartment. it was chaos for a while and i loved every second of it.
today was the first day in 18 years that i thought to myself.....i really dont care if she ever comes back. im ok. i am goiong to be ok. ive wished, ive prayed, heck i even begged once a long time ago for her to keep me. but at this moment in time. i really dont care either way what happens. she is totally missing out on a lot of awesome times.
