Story: Love at first sight 5.5 years ago. Prayed to met someone just like him, met next day. Friends said they'd meant to introduce us. Had amazing, fun romantic courtship. Prepared with priest and rabbi, big fun spiritual ceremony and celebration. Friends and family said it was best wedding ever and all around us have seen how we were meant to be. Had financial difficulties from start. I was trying to reenter workforce, he was underemployed. Moved across country to my hometown (mistake), trouble getting work, had to live wiht my mother a year. I became discouraged, struggled off/on with PMS, depression, he was sole provider mostly. Got frustrated with each other, would squabble. Not seeking outside help, not much interaction with friends. Decided to go travel back to west coast housesitting to save $. Moved around a lot for assignments. Tension. He was working hard online all the time to get new skills, job. Found dream career last summer, landed dream job Feb. days before leaving. I was depressed d/t ailing parent with dementia, paranoia we were trying to deal with remotely. Had to move him (hoarding) last fall, was a nightmare for us. Tensions increased. Visited H family; MIL was upset with us/me, told me she didn't want him getting sick again (childhood illness/surgery), get any job (donut shop), we were in no shape to have kids, get our act together. I agreed and knew it was true and was planning and trying to get work online and once we returned to Canada. Took on housesitting assignemtn in OR for few months, fought about where to live (had agree to Canada, then he wanted to go wherever dream job was, I wanted to settle down in community). I was stubborn, unrealistic, pushy, bad PMS then trouble with my father, broke down crying. Was impatient, nagging. Feel terrible about that. He left one morning everything packed, ran off out of sight. I did wrong things-wrote long emails apologizing, recognizing all I had done wrong, no contact for 8 days til our 4 year ANNIVERSARY. Cold business like email asking to meet at Starbucks to discuss "moving forward amicably and efficiently as possible". I declined, for better or worse, b/c had no sleep, lost 10 lbs, was sick. Asked to meet with 3rd party-priest or counselor, he suggested mediator> We met and he told all kinds of rationalizations, no mention of good, regrets, that he didn't recognize red flags in self or me, bad decisinos to move around, shouldn't have married, etc. so hurtful. Then said he's done, had lawyer, proceeding with S and D. I was devasteated but didn't cry. He ran down sidewalk. No contact for weeks. I asked to meet to give him few clothes left behind, 'practical matters'. He had left me the car, wouldn't return to finsih housesit so I could go be with loved ones. was cold but we got to share some. I thought a little more intimate. He let us hug and pray. No contact again for 3 weeks. I had sent few texts saying good luck on business trip. Then email asking to meet with mediator discussing assets. I said i woudl after Easter Holiday. Then asked to meet with priest first. He said he would out respect for 'clarity'. We did 3 weeks ago, he was very adamant about ending it all, no "glimmer of hope", sorry he "wasted 6 years of your life", that we "didn't really date" (aka lies, rewriting history, erasing all good). He had blocked me on Facebook, Skype, everything, put "separated' the day he left without discussing, canceled my credit cards (he was primary cardholder), lost my airline miles/rewards, withdrew most of $ from joint account (until his L made put half back), didn't ask if I was ok, where living. I had NO JOB, no home, knew almost no one in this new city. He is living somewhere, has 2 jobs (one new dream one), 'new friends', hiking, going to gym etc. I have had little energy and tried to make myself do all I can, 180; exercise (I always was very active, trouble now), calling friends, DB coaching, journaling, prayer all the time, networking and interviewing for jobs esp. in last month hard, facing rejection on jobs, moving from temp place to place to stay. Visited friends out of town a week, helped but empty, struggling w/ despair. He wants to meet with mediator again for assets but he didn't understand my email stating I was available this week so never scheduled it; now not for 2 weeks, AFTER I have to filed a 'response' to his lawyer's separation papers served. By that time, they will know I am not settling agreeing to terms, and my L says meeting with mediator will be unncessary since I won't agree. Should I wait til last minute to file? Trying to reschedule mediator for BEFORE his L and court get filed. Otherwise I have no face time or meetings. I feel so discourage b/c of his consulting with family, secular counselor, and ?? behind my back, his cold uncaring treatment (?), and lack of contact. I am tryign so hard to do 180 and be "whole" fulfilled happy woman but I am miserable and nightmares every night. I go to counselor, priest, friends, interviews, gym but struggling very hard. It was his birthday Tuesday. I didn't do anything-no text, nothing. His mother's whom I adore yesterday-also did nothing. Good idea? I could'nt get a DB coach this week or for another week so am in the dark. I am going dark I guess. Part of me wants to run but I don't have somewhere to go really, to protect myself from the pain. I have no idea where he is; won't say even what part of city he's in (somewhere local). seems odd. Afraid of emotional response? I wuold'nt even go near him anyways, but wondered why. He has history fo internet porn addiction . Didn't see any signs or of infidelity that i know of. No clue. All insight, advice welcome. Thankyou J
M: 4 y together: 5.5 Me: 37, H: 36, no kids no house
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Hi ReNewed. I am so sorry that you are in this situation. I don't have a lot of insight to offer you right now, but I would like to try to give you a message that I just finally understood after being a full 4.5 months into my own marriage mess.
Try to be kind and gently to yourself. The single most important person in your life now is YOU, and you need to take care of her.
Keep posting, and you will find people here that will provide support and information, and will lend you their ears.
H: 44, Me: 45 Married: 20 y Together: 25 y no kids Walk away: 12/15 Asked for temp separation 12/25/15 PA confirmed 3/16 (apparently neither the first, nor the last PA he has had) H filed for D 5/16
Sorry you are here. How are you taking care of yourself? You sound like you're in a tough sitch. Please take care of yourself first. At this poibt in time, I think you'll have to be a little selfish and maybe let other things slide for a while.
Wrt To your parent, are there other siblings to help out? Do you have any friebds you can lean on?
You can call me Dory/ Grl.
As a wise fish once sang,"Just keep swimming!"
It's no use to go back to yesterday because I was a different person then.
ReNewed, oh my, I am so sorry you are here. What an unthinkable way to treat another person, and your own W, it so sickening. It is so devastating and hard to even wrap your mind around. I just wanted to offer you my support and tell you that it will not be this way forever. Unfortunately, it can be a long and difficult process. So as Phoebe says, take good care of yourself. You are the most important one.
I was there just a few short years ago. My H did a 180 and turned my life upside. I was scared, anxious, depressed, and completely blind-sighted. I never saw it coming. And while he is back now, I am still recovering from the trauma a year later. You mention that you have not seen signs of infidelity, but I want to just caution you that your sitch very much suggests he has run off to someone else. I know that is the last thing you want to hear, but I just want to caution you that there is that possibility. Read the other posters, see the similarities, and always trust your gut.
Keep posting here. Keep reading. Let those that you trust support you. Deep breathe. You will get through this. No one can break you, and you one day will find that strong and confident self again.
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
Hi Bluwave, thank you for validating, sometimes like today crying and crying I think of how I treated him, took him for granted, and leaned on him so much while not taking thingsn seriously myself, I feel I brought in aka "created the monster" myself and feel terribly guilty/sorry. I have tried apologizing and would NEVER want that unhealthy way in our relationship. How did it turn around for you, if I might ask? How long? Whta signs woudl I look for for IF? I have no idea. It coudl be online, he works online a lot, but also met new friends (we just arrived knowing basically no one). So it's possible; but as a recent christian with a deep good conscience, I know it couldn't last. H'e's way too good of a man if that were the case. He has gone to confession as well befor adn we recently met with a priest who offered to meet us individually, and he seeemed comfortable with him, so hopefully he might pursue that once he is at that point. I just don't know how he can go without any contact, erasing all photos, blocking, knowing I'm struggling, with no outward concern or compunction. Knowing him, unless he's being heavily influence by other family/people/counselor, it's pretty hard to believe he himself could be at peace with it. He's too good of a person.
JksD, my parents have their issues I struggled with gorwing up, they are not in a place to help at all $ or much emotionally, it's actually more stressful being there, so I cannot jsut move back, and don't have much supprot there either. Friends are avail by phone in other states, which is literally my lifeline, but so hard being physically alone day after day. i miss hugging, holding (always a good one for uss), holding hands, gentle touch, cooking, hiking, laughing, all of it. And his family, like crazy.
Renewed, I feel you on the part about not having much family support.
I understand the loneliness part too, especially when kid is not with me. I seek solace on the board, meet with friends or just get out of the house.
What can you do for yourself when the pangs hit you? Good to have a list so that when things get really lonely, you'll have something to occupy your thoughts with.
Regarding the no-contact, I am guessing that it's the guilt. The sight of you will remind him of what he has done and he may be struggling with his decisions.
Xh always has difficulty looking me in the eye after BD, but he keeps looking at me when I interact with kid. I can see the struggle andvthe guiktbsome times.
These spouses have been abducted by aliens and until they start coming out of the fog, we are their enemies and the bane of their existence.
You can call me Dory/ Grl.
As a wise fish once sang,"Just keep swimming!"
It's no use to go back to yesterday because I was a different person then.
This is awful. I know the despair you are experiencing. I wouldn't wish it on anyone. Unfortunately, right now, he's not giving you anything to work with. He's checked out of your M. As much as it hurts, you're just going to have to accept that. He's gone. This will hurt and there is no way to get around it but you are going to have to let him go. Right now, you are clinging to him and that is not going to bring him back. All it is going to do is prolong your pain and suffering. First step? Detach. It is imperative that you are able to do this. By emotionally detaching from him, you will be able to begin caring for yourself. Spend this time working on you and your issues. We all have issues and things we need to address in our lives. So put your focus there. Get the book and read it. Follow the process. Its counter intuitive but it works. Turn your sights inward and make YOU the priority in your life. There is hope for your M. Give him time and space. Work on YOU. There will come a time again when you will interact with him in person. When you do, he will see the NEW you. A confident woman that loves herself and who is working on her issues. This will be attractive to him. It will confuse him. It may make him angry. So him how awesome you are. Remind him of the Renewed he fell in love with and that he will be missing out on if he continues to walk away from your life together.
Me: 48 y/o W: 47 y/o Together: > 20 yrs BD: Dec '15, then S 2nd BD: Mar '16, then I filed for D April '16: started piecing
Thank you lim. So so hard. But trying. Appreciate the words of hope and encouragement
So H behavior is common? All the things he's doing and not doing? And doesn't mean all is lost?
I am filing my "response" this week at end of the 30 day required period so doesn't go to default. It's avery easy liberal state to end it all and he has consorted with his l uncle and who knows who else. Feel so betrayed. I'm concenred when I file, which says I don't agree with d and don't agree with terms and want counseling (and my L included life insuracne?? I don't know why and spousal support, which I very very begrudgingly accepted only out of absolute necessity as I search for more than minimum wage jobs). Afraid this will tick him and his family off since he was resentful of carrying me emotionally and financially all our marraige. I regret that. Getting a great paying job suddenly in new city with no real socail support during this crisis is grueling
no house
