In my divorce agreement, it states that if a parent cannot parent on parenting time, they are to ask the other parent first before finding an alternative for childcare. Perhaps you should amend the agreement to say that.
Why is it you have the weekdays and he has the weekends? we had it where my ex had her on the weekends due to the nature of my job, and him not wanting to take week nights. I ended that after a certain incident I won't get into, but I wanted to also enjoy time spent with my daughter at birthday parties and stuff. Even though I worked 3 night shifts a week and I was home with her during the week, no one else was home. I wanted weekend time. So we made a compromise.
Your divorce agreement is amendable when something is not working. And V is right. it is OK to say no.
Oh, and I also have a clause in the agreement where no one is to bad mouth the other parent to child. Your child should get just as much of a chance to be with your family, as much as his, but only if they are not talking about your R and M with your child.
Hang in there, and it's time to set some reasonable boundaries.
The agreement in the D clause was once a week supervised visit during the weekends (due to his violent outburst). Somehow, things got complicated during the period where we were trying (or was he pretending?) to reconcile. This was pre-DBing. Somehow he ended up having dinner with kid every night. At first I joined them but I stopped after the D went through because I was gutted by the tricks he pulled.
To the xh, anything that is not to his liking is seen as a form of control. So if I am to express my concern about how kid is spending time with his family instead of him, he is so going to go berserk again.
Sad how I am still walking on eggshells around him even after the D. But I guess the path of least resistance would be to say that my family and I need more time with kid. He has no reason to get angry at this reason.
You can call me Dory/ Grl.
As a wise fish once sang,"Just keep swimming!"
It's no use to go back to yesterday because I was a different person then.
I am now at a very funny stage in life. I have accepted the finality of the D, and my status (stigma) as a divorced single mother of one.
Where I am, the stigma is so entrenched that my employers would rather have me keep the salutation of mdm and not use ms. In a way, I feel victimised all over again by this stigmatisation. I feel like I have to lie about my status and it makes me angry because I am not the one at fault and yet now I have to bear the scarlet letter of D on my forehead for the rest of my life?
And while I have no lack of interested guys from my online profile, I am very aware of the fact that most, if not all, will have their reservations once they know that I am a single mother of one. Yes, even the divorced men prefer women who have never been married before or who do not have kids.
And I know that there is a very high chance that I will remain single for the rest of my life.
Whenever I think of all this, I do get bitter and angry at the ex. He has saved the POS TP from the fate that I am suffering now, and yet he doesn't see the irony of it.
How do I counter against missing the ex? I think of his violent outbursts. I think of all the times when he had left kid and me to our own devices, of all the times he disappeared into the background instead of helping us. I think of how it is that while I was begging him to talk to me, he was happily interacting with the POS, complaining to her about me.
I think of a man who has always thought the worst of me, even during happier times. I don't know if he is capable of ever loving anyone else more than himself. Perhaps TP really is perfect for him. Because morals really isn't an issue for him. He just wants someone who can butter him up and offer him a fairytale.
I am too human and make him work too hard. If I am not enough for him, then I guess we really shouldn't be together.
I look at my married friends and see them encountering similar problems that we had encountered in the M. These problems are not unique to us. He just has a very skewed view of life and M thanks to the TP.
I was browsing another website when I came across the article that states that when considering M, one should look for the quality of being able to suffer well. Ah, hindsight again.
Now I can see that the reason why we managed to reconcile after his first outburst was because he had no other options. He had no friends as he was working then for his father. Once he switched to our common profession, he realised that he had options and I am no longer an attractive alternative.
I had always told the xh that I have always been just a girl standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her.
But now I am the girl, standing in front of a mirror, learning to love herself the way no one has ever loved her.
You can call me Dory/ Grl.
As a wise fish once sang,"Just keep swimming!"
It's no use to go back to yesterday because I was a different person then.
The things kid says just breaks my heart. She wrote in a journal entry to her teacher that daddy left mummy and she is 100% sad.
Then today, she told me that she feels lonely and will like to have a younger sibling. I have to tell her very gently that I won't be able to give her any sibling. This really cuts to the core because we were supposed to try for another kid last year.
Kid suddenly started humming Taylor Swift's We are never getting back together. And asked if I still love daddy. She asked me if I would want to get back with xh if the TP didnt want him anymore.
I told her that I will no longer love someone who does not love me. Kid then commented that I probably wouldn't want to get back with the ex because he had made me so sad.
I used to tell xh the things that kid says. Now I know that there is no point. If he really cared, he wouldn't have used kid as a leverage to get what he wanted. Both of us are just means to an end for him.
I know that just a month or so, I wasnt in love with him but I still had feelings for him. Now, I seem to be reframing the way I have been looking at past events.
You can call me Dory/ Grl.
As a wise fish once sang,"Just keep swimming!"
It's no use to go back to yesterday because I was a different person then.
You are allowed to still love him forever and not be with him anymore. You are not a robot. I can list 10 things I will ALWAYS love about my H. But I no longer want to be married to him and I have my own life. You also dont have to feel guilty about answering her questions. Your answer to her when she asked if you still love him showed her it is okay to not accept bad behavior, even if it is hard.
It is best for her to hear the truth. and it is best for you to finally give yourself permission to say the truth outloud.
love ya!!
Me: 42 H: 45 M: 18 yrs T: 20 yrs D: 17 D: 15 S: 12 I kicked him out 8/21/15 I will DB until March 21st 2017, that is it!
Came across some lovely pastries and cakes and I had to physically stop myself from getting some for the ex-ils.
That was my modus operandi. See nice food, buy in bulk to share with family. Have to remind myself that they don't see me as family any more. And that I dont feel like passing stuff through the xh as it feels like I am still clinging on.
You can call me Dory/ Grl.
As a wise fish once sang,"Just keep swimming!"
It's no use to go back to yesterday because I was a different person then.
Dipping my toes and getting them wet. Moving on with life.
Still cycling between resentment, regret and acceptance. Funny how one can feel so many completely different feelings all at once. If only the journey ahead is a linear one.
In need of positive quotes today.
C'est La vie. Que sara sara. Just keep swimming. Letting go of the monkeys.
You can call me Dory/ Grl.
As a wise fish once sang,"Just keep swimming!"
It's no use to go back to yesterday because I was a different person then.
