Need advice

[CRW]

So after sending me that last text this morning, she isn't even sending me pictures of the kids like normal. Seems like she is trying to see if I am going to crack?

[BluWave]

CRW, mind reading never works. I know you want to--we all do--but it never works.

She may be seeing if your are going to crack. She may be temp checking. Or, she may just be busy, not gotten around to it yet, or simply having a bad day. Or, maybe her smartphone fell in the toilet and erased all her photos and she has been in line at the phone store all day because they are busy in there ...

You never know. But even if you are right, don't let that change how you handle you and your life. Keep on keeping on!

[CRW]

So now she seems downright angry. this is so confusing:

Me: no worries. travel safe! send me a pic of the littles if you have a chance
Me: Babies down?
W: What time is it?
Me: 8:26
W: You just answered your own question.
Me: Ha, ok, fair enough. Give them kisses for me in the morning. Miss them a ton
Me: Hope you are having a good night
W: There is no reason you should be texting me at 830 asking if they are asleep. Their bedtime is 8, no exceptions.
W: And stop texting me to have a good day and a good night.
Me: Ok, I apologize.
Me: Just missing the kids
W: If you miss them, then text prior to 7pm. Not hard to figure out.
Me: Ok, fair enough. Thank you for the direction

She is downright mad at me. I'm not sure why?

[DDJ]

CRW, you're smothering her and using the kids as an excuse to contact her.

My WW was out with my son since yesterday by a family member. I called her earlier today, immediately stating "can I please speak to my son". No chatting to her; she asked what i did yesterday; i said "nothing".

She said she wants space, give her what she wants and worry about yourself and your life.

[1313]

CRW,
I'm really seeing zero DRing in that text exchange. At the most you should only be cordial - I'm just not seeing the detachment. If she has a comment/complaint validate. Any more than that shouldn't receive much of an answer. And you certainly shouldn't be asking or telling your feelings.

I know it's hard, but you've got to give her the space and then some - it's no wonder she's 'mad'. You're doing exactly what you should do if you want her to resent you, disrespect you and rebel even more than she already is.

She's got to figure out what life is without you, and that includes your messages. Keep it to specifics. Time, place, now, later - buh-bye.

[CRW]

Yeah, I get that. I was pretty well going dark with her, but she immediately started complaining to me that I wasn't communicating with her enough about the kids. I feel like I'm damned if I do, damned if I don't.

[BluWave]

She is checked out of this R right now. She is not interested. You are in a very different head space than her.

When you pursue her in anyway, that pushes her away. When you are nice to her, she thinks you are spineless, and that pushes her away. When you apologize, that annoys her. She doesn't want anything from you right now but space and time. She is going to lose respect for you if she knows she cane be cold/distant and you are right there being nice and apologizing.

Get too busy to worry about her or how she is doing! Take all focus off of her. Only contact her if it is something that needs addressing immediately, otherwise let her come to you with it. When you do communicate with her, be polite, but stick to the point, then exit the conversation ASAP.

Every morning when you wake up, reread Sandi's rules. Your conversation is not DB at all.

You can do this. It is going to take a LONG TIME though. You cannot measure results day by day or even week by week.

-Blu

[CRW]

[censored] because I was doing this and it was working. I let her suck me back in with the kids angle. I've got to be stronger next time.

[TimR]

CRW I am assuming your conversations you had via text were filled with validation. Here is what I have learned with my experiences with my WW. Take this with a grain of salt cause I may be the worst DBer in the history of DBing. You are being kind and validating, doing great with 180s. That confuses your WW and she doesn't like it. What she wants is reactions, what she wants is to pull you into a fight so she can tell herself, "see this is why what I did is not so bad and this why I need to get rid of him." She wants you to fight with her to provide reason what she is doing is the right thing. Otherwise, god forbid, she may feel some guilt. Read through my thread, as soon as I started validating, she turned script and started attacking me. She would become demeaning and when I set boundaries and stuck with them, it drove her nuts! She would attack and attack. sometimes I would get pulled in, but I often did well with staying out of it and then venting here. Stick with your course as long as you are able! Whether you get her back or not you will be a better person and it will better your future relationships.

[CRW]

thanks guys, I appreciate it.

I still struggle some with wanting to know how the kids are while not seeming that I am trying to contact her all the time.

I think she is frustrated that she hasn't been able to draw me into a fight, but there is probably some overbearing on my part as well via asking about the kids.

The one thing I have learned is that is seems like this is a tightrope I am constantly walking.