Need help please

[albac]

Little update,

Still trying to find my feet. It has been 2 months now since my W hit me with ILYBNILWY and moved out the next day.

I read everyone's posts on here looking for people going through something that sounds similar to my sitch but I guess everyone's sitch is unique and must be approached as such.

So update since she left I'm GAL and keeping busy my daughter is my main focus in life now.
Oddly enough my W and I are getting along really well and I guess that's what confuses me the most I feel like we both have a strong attraction to each other and neither of us want to leave on the times we have contact to swap over who has our daughter.

But it is time for me to start putting some stronger boundaries in place. She chose to leave so she shouldn't be hanging around talking and having "family" time. She chose to leave our family.

I am focusing hard on myself, getting fit and trying to enjoy life. All of this aside I feel good.

I still very much want my W back and to be a family again but am focusing hard on moving on with life as if she is not coming back.

[jazzy1]

Set your boundaries now. Go to the boundaries thread that Cadet links. It will give you terrific insights. There is another boundaries thread here in the forums that is not too hidden, but I can't find it right now.

Boundaries cheat sheet:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2536096&page=1

It's a good place to start anyway, since part of your question is about boundaries, and before anything you need boundaries and respect.

[jazzy1]

I would also say: don't reject your wife. Boundaries aren't supposed to be rejection of her, but rejection of behaviors or influences in your life. If she's doing something that you don't like, you reject that behavior. If she's being loving with you, don't reject that. But if she continues to engage in EA, you decline her advances by not allowing your interactions to get that far to begin with.

[albac]

Thanks Jazzy,

I haven't posted in a little while, I feel I am changing very fast the feelings of sadness and loss are getting less severe as time goes on. It's been almost 2 months now since W walked out.

My sitch just seems so much different to any others I read about here. She is not having an A and she is still very nice to me and contacts me everyday. That's what makes it hard for me with boundaries and how I should approach my sitch. I feel if I start to ignore the contact and try to create distance she will just stop contacting me and it will push us towards D.

At this point I don't instigate any contact and I only respond to about half the messages she sends me and I leave them sit for a while before I respond.

I'm GALing and spending time with my daughter being the best dad I can be but trying not to let my W influence what I do and moving on with or without her.

[albac]

Back again,

Feeling a bit down again today. just starting to feel as if W is slipping away I feel we were closer when she first moved out and as time goes on shes happy with her decision to go.

I'm great at telling myself that I'm good and detaching and what she does will have no effect on me..... Yeah right. Although the one thing I can say is I think I am getting very good at not showing the way I actually feel when she says things that hurt me.

I really don't know where this is going or if DB is the right process for me to follow. I'm dealing with a WAW that is not in any affair, says she LYBNILWY and moved out the next morning it all happened that fast. When we speak which is most days we are both happy and polite as if she never left.

My sitch just has a different feel from all I have read I think the major factor in her leaving is Her age. She is 24 we have had a tough time the last 2 years our daughter is almost 2 and I think she's having a mid 20's crisis. Like life is getting too serious I want to have fun type of thing. I can't help but feel this will wear off and she will snap out but I'm telling myself she won't and trying to move on with life as if she's not coming back to protect myself.

I really just don't know if trying to have less contact in this situation is the way to go? I found this site the day she left, we have had no talk about or M or R since the morning she left. I asked her if we could try counseling her reply was "if we both want to in a couple of months we can" I think this was just guilt talking don't think she meant it. But I have not spoken about or M as per following DB.

I don't initiate any contact I haven't since she left but she seems to always contact me most days if not everyday very close to it. Should I not be believing anything she says in this situation?

All opinions welcome I'll take any advice. Thanks

[1313]

albac,
I'm guessing you're not able to get a DB coach to talk to?

I can tell you one thing. A month or two is nothing. It seems like forever - and for us at the beginning it is. I came here, I plead, I begged. Anything I would do to keep it together.

I can say one thing, and don't take it the wrong way. 24 is very, very young. #%$&, I wish I could be there again, but only physically. I was barely out of college, and had barely started my career path. There's a lot to chew on in life. I can understand her frustrations and fears.

For now, seriously, I can tell you this is the best method there is. I unfortunately didn't find it when I had the chance to make things work. The methods I learned "made sense", and they were WRONG. The guy sounded great though.

These are counter intuitive. These are for you as well if things don't work. However, read Cadet's homework. Read Sandi's rules for the WAW and WW, read them again and then read one more time. Nothing is sinking in just yet.

You'll need to set boundaries. You'll need to detach. You'll need to do all of these things. Remember! Believe none of what she says, and half of what she does.

The W you married isn't there right now. She needs to be shocked into reality. You need to show her just what life is like if she had never met you. That means you don't exist. Read DR, follow it to the letter. If you have to contact her regarding your D, keep it as brief as you possibly can. No emoticons. No feelings. It's a business transaction.

I know your doubts right now. It took me a month to straighten up and fly right. Fully detach. Set all my boundaries. Cut ties. And now, for the first time I'm seeing something somewhat positive. I'm not stopping, nor reverting. Because it could change just as fast.

We're here for you, we're pulling for you. This won't be easy.

[albac]

Thanks 1313,

I know everything you said is true and I know it's what I need to do I just need to make it happen. It is coming up on 3 months now and she has definitely warmed up a lot more in the last month. I think that means more then ever I need to DB and have less contact.

I haven't had a coach yet but I will when work permits me to I just need to work out the logistics of me being in Australia. I am half way through DB book it arrived a couple of days ago but I have been stuck with work still waiting on DR. I will try to do as you say and keep up the DB and stay strong no matter what the outcome.

[albac]

Quick update, not much has changed still in limbo land. Have not spoken a single word about our M since the day she moved out, it's almost as if it never happened.

I'm moving on with life, 3 months have just ticked over and although in having ups and downs I can definitely tell things are slowly getting easier for me. I am starting to believe that my W truly just doesn't love me anymore she really doesn't seem to care about me at all. it appears as if she is happy on her own.

I really don't have much else to add, feel as if the chances of us working things out are getting more distant by the day but still I am keeping in with the DB. GAL is going well and I'm as fit as ever, overall feel good other than this sitch.

I guess time will tell. and for everyone else living in limbo land stay strong.

[albac]

Time for an update,

I took a break from the forum for a while to keep my head clear. Still don't really know what is going on.

I have been working on myself and GAL and its all going well. I get by day to day much easier now focusing on myself and working for what I want.

I am still stuck in limbo land and really don't know what to do next. My W has been gone for 4 months now and we have not discussed our MR at ALL since the day she left. I found this forum the day my W left so trying my best to follow steps but by waiting for her to bring up any discussions about our MR nothing has happened yet.

We are speaking most days and I'm being polite but not in instigating any contact. I really don't want to end up in the friend zone I think I will soon be forced to bring up the MR discussion because at this point she may just think I'm happy with how things are? I really don't know what to do.

If anyone has any thoughts feel free to share.

[J5K]

Albac,

Sorry you are still in limbo land but it seems like you are doing well. I would stick to the rules unless you feel that you need to make a choice and move forward with a next step. Some of the best DB'rs have been doing it for years.

Hopefully some of the vets can give better advice.