i am very confused on what i should be doing right now. my coach says that i should not be going dark with her right now. that i should treat her like a sister, due to where she is mentally, emotionally. That i should at least give her some hope of a relationship with me in the future.
the EA is still going on to the best of my knowledge.
sandis 37 rules, says and this forum says that i should not be really talking with her much. that i should be pretty much completely dark from her.
talk about a 180....these viewpoints are exactly 180 from each other. And i don't know how to do this now, or what to do.
Last edited by Cadet; 04/22/1612:51 PM. Reason: Link
Yep, I've struggled with the same issue; the stuff on the forum says one thing and the coach says another. I think they're both correct, they're just not correct for every situation.
Presumably the coach has a lot of experience, so I'd start with the coach's recommendations first, then if that's not working, maybe try some of the stuff on this forum.
My wife is in an EA (no PA and I don't think she wants PA). The problem with the EA thing is that she's getting her emotional needs met by someone else so if I "go dark" I withdraw even further. I tried doing 37 rules and I think it was the wrong thing in my case. You certainly have to back-off and stop being needy and stop pressuring, but you also need to be loving. It's a difficult balance.
Yes it's insane, you don't know whether to hold on or let go, but you need to do both at the same time.
I really have no idea if I'm pushing her further away. If I think real hard about it now... Does it really matter? It's her choice if she wants to leave. I've gotta pick up my own pieces.
We are in this spot because we never understood the long term consequences of our actions. I don't think that anyone can really predict life. All we can do is what we think is best, and hope for the best.
Just cos things are going right, doesn't mean that they were always wrong.
One thing I struggled with was going dark but not ignoring H entirely. That is perceived as game playing and will frustrate them more. If we care for this person and hope they will come back, then we should not be causing them further anger at us.
Sometimes I would ignore H to try and show him I was moving on. Now that we are back together--and talked about everything--he has told me that he hated it when I ignored him. He thought it was petty and I was doing it just to hurt him. So even though he was thick in the fog, he still had some good insight into where I was at.
Let her initiate contact. Don't ignore her or play games. Listen and validate so she knows you are safe. But most importantly, take the focus off her and be too busy and awesome to worry about her every move. You can't anyhow. That will gain your confidence and that will make her think twice about giving up.
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
Actually, going dark isn't a rule, but it was recommended to me after my wife filed for divorce. Unfortunately, I mixed and matched things in my sentence. (I grew up in Miami so Broken English is my first language.)
i apologize sandi. i misspoke about the 37 rules. it says nothing about going dark. i am sorry.
with further review, the problem that i am currently facing is that the first re: to my original post says to DETACH.
when i read the detachment thread, it says to give her space, and establish emotional boundaries.
rule #1 in the 37 says to not pursue. without me pursuing her that takes away a huge portion of any interactions between us.
in one of the treads i was told not to develop any kind of friendship with her. and to not stay and chat when i picked up the kids.
what has happened, is that the only thing she is interested in, is developing a friendship with me and talking about what went wrong in our marriage. then, i am left with right now, is talking about the kids. and that causes me to go dark with her.
a good for instance is she is going on a trip this weekend. and she wants to talk tonight when i pick up the kids about when she will be back and when she will get the kids back on sunday. im all well and good with that. the problem is that, she has been asking me for days to tell her how long i have been unhappy in our marriage, and i know that she will initiate that conversation while im there. so at that point. i can either tell her how i felt, i can ask her to talk about it later, or listen to her side of it and then not give my part.
none of those choices sound like a good choice to me. and that is what causes me to go dark. i dont want to have an argument, i dont want her to accuse me of shedding positive light on a subject when she see it as negative. and i dont want to feed her all negatives about the past either.
ive read the books, ive read the threads, ive talk to a coach, i participate in forums. and i still can't make sense of it. there is something that is blocking my brain from understanding what i need to do when it comes to real life.
This program has worked for tons of marriages. I just need to have my moment of understanding of how it all works. and how to apply the techniques and when.
I am not a vet but I have had so many foot in mouth moments and db fails that I finally managed to figure out some stuff.
This is what I understand about going dark/ NC. NC is a concept that can be found in many other websites and programmes. It basically just means cutting off all contact.
Here, going dim seems to be a less extreme version of NC. A dber once described it as a dimmer switch; you decide how bright or how dark you want to go.
Both NC and going dim is a means of self-preservation. You minimise contact so that you can minimise hurt from the WS or WAS. It helps you maintain your dignity so that you will not beg, cling or pressure your S. It gives you time to heal and regain some semblance of composure after the mayhem of BD. This is also the time to GAL and work on yourself.
Once you are on more even keel, you monitor the situation and decide if you want to go dimmer or brighter. If by then, you have the stfu potion always ready in your pocket, and you can act as if and have no expectations, I feel that you can go brighter. Monitor the results and see what happens.
Going brighter doesn't mean initiating R talks. It may mean initiating some contact or not avoiding contact. And when there is contact, there must be a new and (genuinely) improved version of you (us).
I would think that every contact should be sort of a sales pitch. But you must also back up your sales pitch with a genuinely good product.
I know people feel strongly about dbing being more to save oneself. I feel that it should be for self and the M. I do agree that we have to save ourselves first before we can do anything about the M first.
You can call me Dory/ Grl.
As a wise fish once sang,"Just keep swimming!"
It's no use to go back to yesterday because I was a different person then.
what has happened, is that the only thing she is interested in, is developing a friendship with me and talking about what went wrong in our marriage. then, i am left with right now, is talking about the kids. and that causes me to go dark with her.
Well first of all, I believe nearl all WW's wants to be friends with the dumped H, b/c it is major cake eating for her.
Why does she want to discuss the MR? IDK, but I guarantee you that she benefits from doing it.......or she would not push for it. What does she get out it? Another opportunity to bash you? A chance to vent more of her anger, cry, blame, play the victim, guilt you.......what?
If this is all she wants you around for, why would you want to pursue her?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
