Well here is my situation. If nothing else i feel this will be a good way to journal my experience. I have been reading these forums for a few days now and ordered the books. although I'm already at a point of not being too sure i want to save this marriage due to what my W has done to my family and me so far. We have been together for 10 years, married for almost 8, 2 kids S6 and D3.
Anyways, here it is. Back in March my W started acting cold and distant, tried to talk to her and got the "I need space" talk. Followed her after a while with the iphone to see what she was up too. it was just weird behavior, after work she was stopping in a parking lot of an atheltic park near our home at night after work. we are both shift workers. anyways the 2nd night she did that i thought she was stepping out of our marriage. I took the kids and went to the park to see what was up. She was on the phone sitting in the parking lot. I asked who it was, she said a friend. One of her close friends. OK. she didnt want to come home cause I was there and she needs her space to figure things out etc. After that she locked up her phone and guards it with her life day and night.
over the next while she would bite my head off if i tried to have a conversation with her about anything. So I'm in the dark about what is going on. My gut tells me something more is up. I start suspecting she is having an A but from what I have been reading it may be an EA, and I think I know who it is but have no proof etc. Everytime we take my son to his hockey games my W would dress herself up more than usual and for his birthday party, same thing. Now after we have been fighting for the last week or so because I haven't been able to give her the space she asked for cause I keep pressuring her as she said about what is going on. I get the "i love you cause your the father of my children but not in love with you anymore." and many other hurtful thinks have been said now. "She would rather hang out with her GF's then with me" etc. She is finally letting me know little bits at a time what the problem is for her.
What she said was she feels I have been disconnected from the family, she feels its her and the kids and then there is me. Let me admit, I have been playing video games and been on my phone for the past few years and I admit I checked out. We both work shift so when I'm home with the kids, she is working and vice versa. We stopped nurturing our relationship. Work and Kids. I accept my part in the downfall of this marriage. So I ask if she wants to go to counceling. Nope. She thinks its done, she has told me for years that she is unhappy and nothing i say or do will make a difference at this point. she wants out. She said she would have left years ago if it wasn't for the kids and house/lifestyle etc.
Now fast forward a bit and our cell phone bill comes in. I check who she was talking to that night in the parking lot. It turns out to be our sons hockey coach. She has been having at least an EA affair with him. talking to him on her lunch breaks and after work etc. I have since done more snooping and found a text that she was having with a GF about a letter he wrote her that made her more than melt and she just sounded like she had a school girl crush. That was enough evidence for me. I approached her and she maintains he is just a friend and won't admit anything is wrong with what she is doing.
She has decided that she wants to seperate at this point and doesn't seem to care about any of the consequences. Our living situation, we both live in the house currently and neither one of us can move. I went to a lawyer who is a friend and got lots of good advice etc. I have decided to let her proceed with the legal seperation due to $$. If she wants it I will let her do the heavy lifting etc. Although its taking an emotional toll on me staying in the house. I've been trying recently to just have very limited contact with her. although it is hard.
The relationship with the OM has progressed and I'm almost positive it is a PA now. I just want out of this house right now but I know i have to stay strong and be there for my kids and wait till we get everything sorted legally. She was willing to give me 50/50 with the kids, no alimony, very accomidating as far as splitting. she is just rushing to get to the door, and I suspect it is so she can be with this OM. I'm not sure how to proceed. I know from what i have been reading I should try the 180 and GAL. Living with her still makes it hard for her to be shocked in a sense. I don't think she realizes the full extent of what she is asking for once she buys me out of the house. Although we may have to sell if she can't buy me out. Those details are being worked on right now. Although she seems to be eating her cake right now and dragging her heels as far as those matters go.
anyways,what i really want to do is go yell and scream at her even though i know thats not a productive thing to do.
Anyways, I would like to say I'm glad there is a forum like this. I have been reading many of the stories on here and advice by everybody. I really don't know at this point what success will look like after all this is said and done, I just keep trying to do day by day and hope I get somewhere that is a better place then where i'm at right now. It's only been a month and a half since i busted her starting an A(which apparently to her is not an A), and I'm losing my W and Kids and House. I'm still in shock.
anyways thank you to anyone who read this, sorry if its all over the place just needed to vent and express. seems to be a good place to do it.
Nate
Me 40 W 35 Kids 2 S6 D3 T 10 yrs M 8yrs BD 11Mar16
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
I should also mention a few weeks back now she started sleeping in the kids bedrooms and a couple weeks ago she has taken her wedding rings off as well.
Me 40 W 35 Kids 2 S6 D3 T 10 yrs M 8yrs BD 11Mar16
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
I have no advice (too new myself) but I'm listening.
Me: 44 H: 44 Kids: 20, 16, 16, and 10 Together/Married: 22 years H announced he was emotionally detached and considering D: 4/4/16 H announced he is going to try to stay and reconnect: 5/1/16
Thanks Rose, I'm gonna post updates as I need to vent or express how I'm feeling.
I find I'm waffling between anger and grief right now. I get that I have blame in the way our marriage went but I don't get why W took wouldn't even try. Why she went straight to shutting it down and starting an affair which obviously creates more problems and complicates things even worse. I feel this marriage is beyond repair at this point. She felt she had expressed her unhappyness all the time. Apparently I'm just to thick to have heard it. I know she said she was unhappy whenever we would fight, I always took that to be ways to be mean and hurt me by never really thought she was unhappy to the point of just leaving. Of course I've done what I think most H do in this situation. I made the floors of our house sparkle so well you could eat off them. I'm starting to get that may not be enough. I'm starting to try and keep very limited contact with her.
Me 40 W 35 Kids 2 S6 D3 T 10 yrs M 8yrs BD 11Mar16
You know right now I feel like she is DBing me? She doesn't initiate any contact with me unless it's about the kids or finance stuff. It's usually by text. Should I really be mimicking her in the sense that we both go about our business in the house. It's always awkward I find to be in a house where we both don't really talk to each other. If she was a WAW as opposed to a WW? How are those situations handled differently? And how do you tell them apart?
Me 40 W 35 Kids 2 S6 D3 T 10 yrs M 8yrs BD 11Mar16
WW has to feel a sense of loss in order to change their path. your W is lost in the fog right now. She's riding this "emotional high" that she gets from talking to and being with OM.
She needs to realize what dissolving the M will look like.
Sandi has a lot of advice on this subject. Follow the 37 rules to a "T"
I'm an Alberta boy, too, btw, so is Tyler12.
I checked out just like you. Actually, there are a lot of similarities between your sitch and mine. I can tell you that the DB process works. It helps you become the man you want to be. It helps you become the man only a "fool" would leave.
The biggest thing is GALing and detaching. You need to remove your emotional self from her. A man by the handle job has a great thread on this. Make sure you read it!
Detach and become who you want to be and you'll be happier after this process, whether your D'd or not.
