How to rekindle love?

[Rose888]

No, he's giving himself until August 1 to decide if he is going to leave or stay. If he stays, then he'll open himself to rekindling the love. He's not thinking that is all my work--he knows he'll have to put some effort into it.

He described it as a door. Previously we were in our marriage and the door to the outside was locked. Now the door is unlocked and ajar. (Our physical separation earlier this year for practical, not marital, reasons did not make his heart grow fonder.) He thinks if he ever wants to leave, now is the time when he can do that with the least emotional pain to himself.

He is trying to decide if he wants to be unselfish and give up his dream of a passionate sex life with a woman who is as passionate as he is to stay with me and keep our kids' family intact.

He is torn between living his dream and sparing us pain.

[Dawgs]

Torn between his dream and sparing pain? Good grief.

[1313]

Hi Rose,
The coaching info can be found on top links under telephone coaching. The more you buy, the less it is. I think at least one session will give you the tools you'll need to get started.

DO NOT assume things will get normal if he suddenly "comes around", I foolishly lived in denial when things seemed to be stable. By the time my W agreed to counseling, it was only to tell me there was no hope. 3 times.

Your H needs to decide deeper issues besides what you're stating. Sparing you pain or living a fantasy - neither are realistic goals. A loving relationship - a real one - is.

[Rose888]

He seemed shocked yesterday when I described it as him deciding if he was going to leave me. He asked me if that was really how I see it.

????

I am not sure how he sees it.

He was struggling for the past year or so with the fact that he finally achieved his professional dream and didn't know what was next.

I guess sexual dreams are next.

[Cadet]

Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka
that I totally agree with.

Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.

It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.

We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.

Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.

[Rose888]

I am probably not being fair in my description. He doesn't see it as living a fantasy. He sees it as finding a relationship with someone whose sex drive is like his.

He wants someone who is overcome with passion. Apparently the fact that I ask if the door is locked indicates that I can never give him what he wants.

[Rose888]

Sorry to be posting so much today. I'm hoping to do a counseling session, but I can't do one today and I have questions about how to handle things.

What do I do if H invites me for a walk? This is a common thing, and he seems to want to continue our friendship during the limbo time. I'm leaning toward declining, because it feels like cake eating.

Is that too unfriendly? Does it matter if he's "just" walking away or if it's an MLC?

Ugh.

I've been aiming for cordial but distant. I haven't initiated any conversation except one that was kid-related.

He brought me coffee during one of my calls and seems only slightly less chatty than usual.

[Cristy]

Hi Rose,

You are so smart to be cautious. It is a very fine line between being cordial & neighborly without being too short & rude. Avoiding cake eating is important too, but how?

Many of your online friends will agree that Divorce Busting coaches will give you the best advice on how to save your marriage and keep your family together. Please call me to discuss our coaching program 303-444-7004 and we can talk about the logistics.

I'm wishing you all the best.

Cristy
Resource Coordinator
The Divorce Busting Center
303-444-7004

[BluWave]

I see a lot of red flags, and I am not sure how aware H is, but he is setting you up to fail. I don't think this is fair to you. Putting a timeline on relationships, closeness, and love, is a double-edged sword! The timeline alone creates anxiety, which will not achieve intimacy. It will have the opposite effect. I am getting the sense that he has already checked out and this date he has given you is just his proof of due diligence, as if by giving the R "time," he has given it a chance.

It is a difficult dance to remain cordial, however creating space simultaneously. That is why focusing on you & GAL is the way to go. Let him see a woman only a fool would leave. Continue to be respectful and validate, however do not pursue him in any way. I wouldn't want him to think he has all the power--he can make choices about IF he will work on things and you are going to sit back and wait for that? No way.

He has you blaming yourself and feeling as if because you were not sexual enough, he may just decide to walk out in a few months. It is always two people in a relationship and perhaps he could have also been doing more to create intimacy and closeness so that you had more desire for sex.

Maybe H needs to see what he is deciding to give up--or will decide on August 1. A fabulous and sexy woman who is also the mother of his children. Sorry, but right now hubby gets a big thumbs down from me. You don't have to walk on eggshells for him. You just be fabulous for YOU.

[Rose888]

Thanks, BluWave.

I've been good at cordial today. We had a friendly family dinner with the kids. We all looked at the moon tonight.

DH has been giving me space.

I'm starting to line up some GAL activities for the weekend. It's a little tricky because I feel very fragile right now, so I don't want to spend a lot of time with friends for fear I will spill all about the marriage situation, which I don't want to do. Focusing on the kids and my health, and starting up with a small group at church in a couple of weeks.