How to rekindle love?

[Cristy]

Hello Rose888,

I'm so sorry for the situation you are in.

Try not to worry about H's emotional engagement in the marriage right now. Mind reading isn't going to help. I'm glad you are thinking about GAL activities. You are so smart to recognize that obsessing about things isn't in your best interest.

Sadhub- Thanks for the vote of confidence regarding the DB coaching!

Knowing what to do and what not to do at this point is crucial. Feel free to give me a call at 303-444-7004 to discuss how we can best help you determine what to do next.

Cristy
Resource Coordinator
The Divorce Busting Center
303-444-7004

[Rose888]

We had a talk today. H has set a deadline of August 1 to make a decision to commit to the marriage and try to rekindle his love or start the divorce proceedings.

I want to vomit.

I would appreciate any advice on the following questions:

1. He has offered to sleep in the office or basement. Should I take him up on that?

2. He is an author, and I am his proofreader for his self-published novels (a subset of his work). He is about to give me a new book to edit. He asked if I still want to do it. Should I make him find someone else?

3. We work at home in the same office. There is another small office he can work in. Should I ask him to work there?

4. He has to go speak at a conference next week. I expect he will text me throughout. Should I go dark?

Basically, any advice on being my usual friendly self versus immediately creating emotional distance?

Our only real marriage issue is that my sex drive is lower and he wants to find someone with whom he can have a passionate romance.

[1313]

Rose,
I can't tell you how important it is to get a DB counselor if you can swing it at all.

I can also say - I understand your libido sitch, don't know if you've hit the big M yet (my W did by 40) which makes a diff. However, you might need to address some things yourself. That could be somebody besides a coach. My W said my lack of desire drove her away - and that was a weird catch 22 sitch by itself, because I thought she was the one that didn't have any desire. Go fig.

Anyway, if you can't swing a coach - I understand the last part of MWD's audio for marriage has a part for couples to listen to. You might consider that. It's easier than going to counseling for the stubborn - and it might get you both there.

For now, you've got to DR as best you can. I so understand your pain. But for the moment you've got the advantage of communication and time.

Below are only my opinions based on what I've learned from some very good people here, who should chime in at some point.

1) if he offered to sleep in the basement, that might be a good idea. You KNOW he's not having an A? You KNOW he's not going through a MLC?

2)yes, he should begin to learn what life is like without you.

3)yup, buh-bye.

4) go dark unless it's very, very, very important. Like 911 important. Or, he says something that sounds like actual progress, in which case you can either validate, or be non-committal.

I too worked with my W, so I feel a lot of what you're going through - it's so sad that so many people have such similar stories.

Stay strong.

[Rose888]

Thanks, I appreciate the response.

Yes, I am willing to work on the libido issue. I found MWD and this board through The Sex-Starved Marriage. Unfortunately, H doesn't think I can ever get my libido high enough to give him the passionate relationship he wants. I haven't hit the big M yet.

I am as sure as I can be about the affair. He might be going through an MLC, but self-doubt and wanting to (probably) divorce me are the only real signs. No crazy expenditures, no partying. He's an engaged parent. He is still kind and thoughtful in his daily interactions.

I worry about pushing him away if I'm less helpful and friendly than usual--it's tricky because he hasn't made a decision--but I kind of feel like I am a package deal, and he shouldn't be able to pick and choose the parts of me he wants to keep. What you said about letting him see what it's like to miss me really hit home.

[Cadet]

I am as sure as I can be about the affair.
He might be going through an MLC, but self-doubt and wanting to (probably) divorce me are the only real signs.
No crazy expenditures, no partying.
He's an engaged parent. He is still kind and thoughtful in his daily interactions.

Depression is a major part of MLC.
He may be in a lower energy type of crisis.

As far as what to do,
turn the focus onto yourself,
making yourself into a person only a fool would leave.

You know sometimes men are attracted to what they can not have.
Absence also make the heart grow fonder.
You can not love him out of depression, he has to hit rock bottom and want out himself.

Keep Posting

[1313]

Rose,
Cadet is right here. I pray it's not a MLC - in whatever form. He may just be in a different place after he thought of what he wants. Just continue the DR stuff, detach, 180, validate, and sadly - go as dark as you can given your current living sitch.

I totally understand a lot of what is presented is counter intuitive, and I fought it myself. Yes, it's tricky. It stinks.

Like I said - if you can swing it call a coach, even if it's a 1 time session. You could save yourself days by doing this - and time is precious right now. I'm so sorry - please keep posting.

[Rose888]

I'll look into the coaching.

I'm not opposed to detaching and going dark, but I need to do it without appearing to be pouting or angry, and that's a tough line for me to figure out.

I see a lot of yard work on my future. It gets me out of the house and away from him, yet my kids can still come find me to chat while I work.

[Rose888]

How long is the one-time counseling session?

[Dawgs]

Rose,

Please clear this up for me - your H gave you a deadline for rekindling his love? Just how in holy hell are you supposed to so that'?

Sorry if that sounded odd, but I can't wrap my head around that statement...

[GWH]

Rose,

Please clear this up for me - your H gave you a deadline for rekindling his love? Just how in holy hell are you supposed to so that'?

Sorry if that sounded odd, but I can't wrap my head around that statement...

I agree with this! If i were you Rose i would take that time, and focus on yourself.