Your motivation lines up with what I purposed in my previous post. I may not have given you that impression, however, we are on the same page.
She will need to be attracted to you, before she starts feeling those "in love" emotions. Most LBH'S think that means to spend time with her and show off his new improvements. However, I do not agree.....based on the mindset of a WW.
The first thing is for her to miss you being around. Having you sitting on ready to do whatever she wants you to do. Having you stop by the store on your way home from work, having you to fix things in the house, having you to watch the kids while she goes out for a while. You were quite convenient for her, but after separation.....things change. This is the time to show her how divorce will look. She needs that reality, in order to shake lose from the fantasy and the fog.
Be sure you look smoking hot whenever there is kid swap. Be positive, appear happy, etc. It's important you not linger. Let her just have a glimpse of you. Trust me, she will notice everything. Right now, your mission is to focus on being unavailable to her, and filling your time with things you have not been able to do in a long time. Find the man you were before M, or become even better.
It will take time for her to be reattracted to you, b/c of her mindset. Don't give up.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Thank you again everyone that is offering support.
Everyday is a challenge. Not much sleep last night. Mind racing as to what is going on and what do I need to do.
Last night W was very irritable and it was uncomfortable being in the house. This morning she started talking about some challenges at work. I was a very good listener and she went on for over 5 minutes. I gave her some quick encouragement and went about my business.
As I was putting my shoes on and about to walk out the door to leave for the day W walked over to where I was. She didn't say anything and I pleasantly said goodbye. It was an odd interaction for two reasons. One - she rarely will put herself in proximity to me when I am saying goodbye. It is usually a shout from across the house. Two - one of our kids was vying for W's attention at the time and W ignored kid and focused on me. That is really rare.
I hate reading into this stuff, but it was unusual enough that I took notice.
Just another thought that I'm interested in hearing others thoughts and experiences.
I've thought about contacting W's parents/sibilings. I haven't acted on this nor would I without lots and lots of serious comtemplation and research on pros/cons. I see LOTS of reasons not to. However, I just wonder what my W's support network would think if they knew what she was doing. I guess my thoughts about this is I'm looking for something to smack my W in the head and say - umm, maybe you could work on your issues a little and stop blaming someone else for where you are.
It is hard to understand her perspective on things as I know she is in a very different place than I am. But it is so odd to me that we are faced with the M crisis and her approach is to do very little if anything and my approach is to soul search, read books, start MC, seek advice, work on myself.
I'm close to my FIL, and called him this morning for the first time in the two months since the BD. I explained the WW concept and he was naturally disappointed in his daughter.
It can help if they have an open mind and care about you too. But if not,I wouldn't suggest adding another brick to that huge wall that she has built.
Just cos things are going right, doesn't mean that they were always wrong.
Somewhere on the rules it says not to get a group of people to team up against your spouse. I know in my situation that is 100% true. My W always feels like everyone is blaming her for stuff. So if she felt like she was once again bearing the brunt of it, felt like people were blaming it on her and that this whole situation was her fault. It would do nothing but drive her further and further away and sever any possibility of a reconciliation.
Point is, my belief is, it's up to you, your spouse and your particular situation.
As far as her differences vs. yours. It is very interesting. I think once they give up the fight then their instinct is flight. Then, once they fly, our instinct is to pursue/chase. That's where we are now. My W wants to leave, separate, "have space", etc... I want to work, do MC, try to do all I can to work on me and us. But, I suppose if I'd have been doing this all alone we wouldn't be in this situation to begin with.
Our stories sound a lot alike, especially with being emotionally distant. I hope things work out for you and we're all here supporting you through this.
M:36 W:31 D:12 M: 8/9/10 ILYBNILWY/"want space": 2/14-ish/16 W moved out 5/24/16.
I considered doing the same thing tjcran. I probably came within 24 hours of making the phone call to see if my in laws (her parents) would meet with me. But after a lot of praying and thinking about it, I decided not to and I think I'm glad I didn't go through with it. I'm very close to my MIL & FIL. Have a better relationship with them than my own family. But since we separated (and they don't know why), they've not reach out to me once to say "We're sorry for what you are going through, we're praying for you, etc." Nothing. I honestly done know how they would have responded. My main reasoning for wanting to talk to them was not to shame my W or to get them on my side. If was for them to understand why I was filing for D and why I needed primary custody of our kids. Fast forward a month and now my W has said that she thinks she wants to tell them and to apologize to them for hurting me. She plans to apologize to a few people and I think that is wonderful. It shows she's owing it. But the "rules" do say that you shouldn't try and get family and friends to gang up on her. This is a hard call. It all comes down to your relationship with them. Remember, blood is thicker than water.
Me: 48 y/o W: 47 y/o Together: > 20 yrs BD: Dec '15, then S 2nd BD: Mar '16, then I filed for D April '16: started piecing
Don't, it will push her further away. I did and it came back to bite me, she said "Nobody can make me do anything, not my Mom, my Dad or my sister. I make up my own mind, so don't keep wasting your time!" It made me look weak and desperate. I didn't realize it at the time, but I was trying to control the situation by reaching out.
I didn't realize it at the time, but I was trying to control the situation by reaching out.
I think that is exactly what I finally realized and what changed my mind. I realized that I was trying to control the situation and her. We can't. The only thing we have control over is ourselves. The LAST thing our S's want to see in this situation is us trying to control them. I agree with Melo. Spend your time and energy working on YOU and not your S.
Me: 48 y/o W: 47 y/o Together: > 20 yrs BD: Dec '15, then S 2nd BD: Mar '16, then I filed for D April '16: started piecing
Well, things seemingly have changed for the worse. W is and has been for years, in a place that I can't understand and I'm now to the point that I can't be around it anymore. Everything I do is wrong and everything is my fault. I was mocked for reading books about improving my communication skills and relationship skills. Her position is that you either click with a person or you don't and there is nothing you can do about it.
The thing that makes that SOOOOO difficult for me to understand is that she is intelligent, educated, a nice person, she's empathetic to others, but she either can't see or won't admit that she plays a role in a relationship.
I'm off to go work on myself and figure this out for myself.
