@dream, I am trying to be a better person, for my son and for my next relationship. I have learnt that I can only control my own actions, and I am definitely becoming more of my own person. I don't need her in my life anymore. I definitely realise that.
We went out for supper tonight, probably the last time we do that together. I sat there for the first hour, thinking why am i trying to save a marriage when the other person does not want to. Why do we still want to try and get this mutant back? Because we love them? Why play this counter-intuitive game in the hope that they come back?
And then I realised that I felt most in control of my life when I considered her not being in it. When I did not have to deal with this insanity. Maybe it's just me, maybe i'm doing the wrong thing - but why does it feel so right to let go?
Do not get me wrong, the minute she says and shows me that she wants to make things work, i'll be on board. But until then, i need to take control and put myself first. I am certainly re-acting based on her words, and the saying goes, be careful what you wish for. I need my WW to learn her lesson, I cannot see any other way.
I do realise that 5-6 weeks is a bit quick to be divorced, so I am willing to delay it by a few more months. Not sure how long it's going to take for the book to get to South Africa though :-)
Just cos things are going right, doesn't mean that they were always wrong.
Filing doesn't mean you have to go through with it. It's a piece of cake to stop divorce proceedings. I've done it. It might wake her up. All you're doing is truly detaching and not faking it. There is nothing wrong with that. We all do this in our own time. Some hang around in limbo for years. Others are brave enough, and have enough self-esteem, to not put up with that. You seem to be the latter and that's a good thing. Life doesn't end if a relationship ends, sometimes it gets way better.
i need to take control and put myself first. I am certainly re-acting based on her words, and the saying goes, be careful what you wish for. I need my WW to learn her lesson, I cannot see any other way.
No, you don't need to take control. Going on the offensive may make you feel better temporarily because you feel helpless and vulnerable and filing for a D makes you feel more in charge again, but beware of what it is you're actually doing.
Putting yourself first is different. Can you download the Divorce Remedy book to get it faster?
All you need to be, is committed to your marriage and family. That doesn't mean you have to put up with a WW's behavior or actions, doesn't mean you don't put yourself and your child first. It just means you stand for your vows. These are the bad times you promised to be there for. What did you think bad times were going to be?
Breaking it off may feel better right now because you think it's going to take away the pain, but it won't. If it does, you're just stuffing those feelings and your ability to feel them, into a dark corner of your mind where they will mess up for you in future relationships.
Also, it's a pretty controlling attitude to say that you need your WW to learn her lesson. Just because you can't see any other way, doesn't mean there aren't any - many - so that's why you should educate yourself before you storm ahead with this.
Are you okay with just seeing your son 2 days per week? Is it okay for him to not see you for 5 days a week? Do you realize you will not be a big part of his life anymore? These are some pretty big questions...
M 16 yrs, WH62, P54 3 adult blended kids EA 11/13, BD1 6/14 PA fall 14, BD2 2/15 Piecing 2015, BD3 12/15 Separated 4/16 WH moved OW in 5/16 Divorced 6/15/17
Filing doesn't mean you have to go through with it. It's a piece of cake to stop divorce proceedings. I've done it. It might wake her up. All you're doing is truly detaching and not faking it. There is nothing wrong with that. We all do this in our own time. Some hang around in limbo for years. Others are brave enough, and have enough self-esteem, to not put up with that. You seem to be the latter and that's a good thing. Life doesn't end if a relationship ends, sometimes it gets way better.
TxHubby, you chose your way and others choose something else. That does not mean you should put others down by implying that they don't have guts or self-esteem. I have plenty of both and I chose to stay in my M for 2 years to try to save it. That takes a lot of stamina, bravery and strength, I can assure you.
M 16 yrs, WH62, P54 3 adult blended kids EA 11/13, BD1 6/14 PA fall 14, BD2 2/15 Piecing 2015, BD3 12/15 Separated 4/16 WH moved OW in 5/16 Divorced 6/15/17
I have to agree with Painter, there is as much strength in staying in limbo to try and get the one that you love out, as there is in walking away.
I've got to Gal better,I realise that. Am going out to friends in a few hours, and my Ww asks me to rather stay, to spend time with her. Not a chance. She wants to talk... That's nice.
Also going to start making food for myself so that she can gain that independence she so craves.
Oh, one last thing. I realised that my W has always been wandering. She was attracted to someone else about 3 years ago, but had the control to walk away. No such luck this time. Shes always needed a male to validate her, satisfy her need for attention. That cannot be me anymore. For now.
Keep posting, your responses give me strength!
Just cos things are going right, doesn't mean that they were always wrong.
Please start a new thread. You will do it the same way that you created this one. I'll post the link from new to old, etc. for you this time.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Here's a link on how to link your threads. If you find that you can't do it the first time, I'll be happy to do it for you (as I stated in my earlier posting).
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
