Newbie here. I'll try to keep this brief while including the pertinent info.
H and I have been married for 22 years. We have four kids, ranging in age from 10 to 20. We married at 22, and we had had no other sexual partners.
Until recently, I would have characterized our marriage as generally good, with the exception of the discrepancy in our libidos. I am the lower-desire spouse. H would express frustration periodically, I would try to work on things, I would think things had improved, and then in a year or so we would have another heated discussion. I know at one point, DH was on a marriage site seeking advice and was advised to divorce me. He was also going through a general depression, and I was pregnant with our youngest child, so I chalked it up to the depression and didn't take it as seriously as I should have.
I have a hard time reading H's emotions. He hates to cause pain, so he does a good job of backtracking after upsetting conversations. For too long (like, two decades), that lead me to believe that the issue was resolved and that things were mostly good with a few bad patches. Even now that I am aware he does this, I have a hard time not believing the surface behavior.
Several years ago, H started suffering from what seemed to be seasonal depression. We live in the frozen north, so this is not good. The winter of 2014-2015 was very bad, and just when he started to come out of it, we were hit with a very stressful situation regarding a business that we owned. H started talking about how he felt we were roommates. I badgered a doctor into giving me testosterone cream, in an effort to raise my libido. It didn't work. I suggested intensive counseling with a focus on our sex life, but H refused, mostly due to cost. (We could have paid for it, but the price tag was startling.)
I knew we needed to figure out the sexual side of our relationship, but by now, H's depression had worsened again in anticipation of winter, and he was withdrawing emotionally. I believed things would be easier to address once the winter was over.
H left to spend the winter someplace warm. The kids and I stayed here and visited him for a week partway through. (One of our kids is a sometimes suicidal teenager, so although we want to move the whole family somewhere with more year-round sunlight for H's sake, we want to wait until this kid is out of high school, since we fear the consequences of uprooting this kid from the current support system.) I read several books about sexual issues in marriage, and I feel like I finally get H's side of things.
H came back at the end of March. He was outwardly polite, helpful, and involved with the kids, but he seemed emotionally distant. I confronted him a few days after he came home, and he admitted that he just didn't feel desire for me anymore. It was like that part of him had switched off. And with it, apparently, his love.
Part of him wants to leave, so he can try to find a sexually satisfying relationship while he still has a chance. Part of him doesn't want to cause anymore pain. When we first talked, he seemed like he was in the process of making a decision, so I've been bracing myself for two weeks for the other shoe to fall. Yesterday (he brought it up), he said that he doesn't feel like there is a decision to be made. I said I had stopped planning our family vacation because I wasn't sure we'd be together then. He said I should plan it, that he had no intention of us not being together in July. He also admitted that his feelings on this aren't entirely consistent from day to day.
I have a first appointment with a counselor tomorrow morning. Even before this latest development, I knew I needed some counseling help to deal with the emotional impact of having a spouse with depression.
H won't take anti-depressants or see a counselor. He is amazingly stubborn.
As far as I know (and we both work from home in the same room), there is no affair. We still eat breakfast and dinner together, go for walks together, talk frequently about our days and about what we are reading, sleep in the same bed. Physical contact is limited to hugs I initiate or him putting his arm around me at night.
I read both The Sex-Starved Marriage and The Divorce Remedy. I identified a couple of typical behaviors to not do (pester for decisions, seek validation), and I'm hoping my counselor can help keep me accountable on those. I'm working to get more of a life.
But I don't know if those will be enough to rekindle love. Any suggestions?
Me: 44 H: 44 Kids: 20, 16, 16, and 10 Together/Married: 22 years H announced he was emotionally detached and considering D: 4/4/16 H announced he is going to try to stay and reconnect: 5/1/16
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
My suggestion is to go back to the beginning. Re-discover each other as you did when you were first dating. Why did you/him fall in love in the first place?
My concern is that your H has "checked out" of the marriage and isn't willing to put forth effort to save it. I don't know if this is entirely true, but it's the vibe that I got from your post. If he's not willing to work on your marriage, that doesn't leave you with many options.
There are definite communication issues that need to be worked out as well as the sexual aspect. Do you know what his love language is? Does he know yours?
I have no real advice, but I just wanted to say that maybe if you do follow the guidelines from the books his desire will come back? I guess what I'm trying to say is that I don't know if there is something you can do to change his feelings, but you can make yourself more desirable by being happier in yourself.
I hope things will work out for you
"There's nothing sadder than a conman conning himself"
“There is freedom waiting for you, On the breezes of the sky, And you ask "What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, What if you fly?”
My suggestion is to go back to the beginning. Re-discover each other as you did when you were first dating. Why did you/him fall in love in the first place?
My concern is that your H has "checked out" of the marriage and isn't willing to put forth effort to save it. I don't know if this is entirely true, but it's the vibe that I got from your post. If he's not willing to work on your marriage, that doesn't leave you with many options.
There are definite communication issues that need to be worked out as well as the sexual aspect. Do you know what his love language is? Does he know yours?
Thanks for the response.
I am not really sure why he fell in love. After our first meeting and conversation, he told his family he had met the girl he was going to marry.
I know why I fell in love, but I'm still in love, so I don't really need to work on that.
Yes, I fear he has checked out of the marriage as well. He isn't pursuing leaving, but I don't think he is eager to open his heart up again. In general, he is not a person who has a lot of hope in people's ability to change.
His primary love language is touch, although he is also high on quality time and words of affirmation. And he likes acts of service and gifts too. (I think if I had done a better job of meeting his touch need through sex--instead of through other touching--he might need less of the other love languages.)
I'm words of affirmation and quality time. When he's not depressed, he does a good job of meeting my needs. The last year and a half have been hard.
Me: 44 H: 44 Kids: 20, 16, 16, and 10 Together/Married: 22 years H announced he was emotionally detached and considering D: 4/4/16 H announced he is going to try to stay and reconnect: 5/1/16
I have no real advice, but I just wanted to say that maybe if you do follow the guidelines from the books his desire will come back? I guess what I'm trying to say is that I don't know if there is something you can do to change his feelings, but you can make yourself more desirable by being happier in yourself.
I hope things will work out for you
Thanks for posting.
I agree. There probably isn't anything I can do, other than stop the things I know cause friction in our relationship and focus on meeting my needs in other ways. That and hope, hope, hope.
But if anyone has suggestions for other things to try, I am all ears.
Me: 44 H: 44 Kids: 20, 16, 16, and 10 Together/Married: 22 years H announced he was emotionally detached and considering D: 4/4/16 H announced he is going to try to stay and reconnect: 5/1/16
A DB coach may be a good idea as they can really provide good solution based feedback for your switch.
The 180, setting goals and staying out of the cheese less tunnels are some good things to follow I would say.
These are just my opinions as I have struggled with them in my switch, but I am trying to keep them in the forefront as they can help keep us in a better place no matter how things turn out.
Hang in there and as Cadet always posts, our spouses have given us a gift, we have the gift of time.
Me 46 Former W 46 D19 D7 BD Feb 2016 WAW moves out 4/16/16 D final 6/1/2017
It's time for me to start changin' the way I look at the world......and at myself. ~James Howlett aka Wolverine
I had my first appointment with my counselor on Monday. I tried to be as honest and objective as possible, but she said several things that helped put things into perspective. She encouraged me to not help H detach emotionally.
He asked about my appointment, and I shared a bit. He shared some too. In the evening we watched a movie with the kids. At night, I told him that sometimes I was angry with him for the situation. He said that was understandable.
Then this morning, we made love. I suspect pity sex, but it still put me in a good mood for the day. We had a very happy family dinner tonight, with lots of laughter.
That said, I'm continuing to work on me, and I did several GAL things over the weekend.
Not at all sure how this will end up, but I'm not feeling miserable right now.
Me: 44 H: 44 Kids: 20, 16, 16, and 10 Together/Married: 22 years H announced he was emotionally detached and considering D: 4/4/16 H announced he is going to try to stay and reconnect: 5/1/16
I can't see any change in H's emotional engagement in the marriage, which lends more weight to the pity sex theory.
Our friendship-level interactions are normal.
I need to start thinking about GAL activities for this weekend. Without plans, it's too easy to obsess about things.
Me: 44 H: 44 Kids: 20, 16, 16, and 10 Together/Married: 22 years H announced he was emotionally detached and considering D: 4/4/16 H announced he is going to try to stay and reconnect: 5/1/16
One thing that I am learning and have seen consistently in these forums is that this is a marathon. It will take time and consistent changes in ourselves to rekindle what was lost that led us to now.
Remember to try and not read into every action or comment that our spouse makes as that will get us no where. We have to stay focused on ourselves and the permanent changes that we need to make to be the person only a fool would leave.
Cadet posts in the homework that our WAS has given us a gift. The gift of time. Use it wisely.
Become the best you possible and do it without any expectations from the WAS and then let the rest go as it may. You will come out for the better no matter what happens. I share this with you as I continue to try and make it permenant in my own thoughts and actions. Easier said than done, but it really is the ideas that make the most sense for each of us to be successful.
My prayers and hope for a positive outcome go out to you in these challenging times.
Me 46 Former W 46 D19 D7 BD Feb 2016 WAW moves out 4/16/16 D final 6/1/2017
It's time for me to start changin' the way I look at the world......and at myself. ~James Howlett aka Wolverine
