A quick summary: My husband literally disappeared on the night of our 20th wedding anniversary, after living together for 25, asked for time apart on Christmas Day. Since then I've seen him three times, two brief phone calls, and a lot of email until about 10 days ago when I went low contact.
He is living 5 hours away, in a furnished apartment he rented in a large city suburb 1 1/2 hours from the house he is supposed to be living in, that we own and pay for every month. I live out here on our country property after he told me I wasn't welcome in my own home there. Well, I suppose I'm welcome there now that he's pretty much moved out.
Until I found out about his PA, almost every message I got from him was along the lines of "My biggest goal for 2016 is to work on our marriage," "of course there won't be anyone else while we're figuring that out. That would be irreparable." All the kinds of words that make you believe there is a chance. Then, I discover the PA, and for the first time I hear "we're over" and realize that, yes, there is a very good chance that we really are over. It's like that day I just started falling apart all over again, and I have really struggled since. I was in denial until that point, I think, because it seemed there was real hope.
I have been seeing a psychologist for a couple months now, added in a grief counselor last week, doing all kinds of stuff to GAL, reaching out for support wherever I can find it, started on an SSRI a full months ago (to no effect), and I take anxiolytics when it gets really bad. Still, I feel like I'm struggling more as time goes on.
Anyway, I'm heartbroken and still standing, trying to save a relationship into which I've poured my heart and all my energy for so long, but one that H seems to have utterly rejected. I'm trying to be the lighthouse. I had all of my eggs in the one basket called our life together, and it's been upended and I don't know which way is up a lot of the time.
I have struggled to fill the gap left by the loss of H, who was also the best friend I had. My one other close friend died almost 2 years ago, and I felt like I had no one except my parents at first. Luckily a neighbor has really been there for me, and I rekindled a good friendship from my past. Still, I feel the loss every single day.
Today I got rid of a lot more stuff from my property, which seemed like real progress. It gave me 2 hours of outdoor work in the sunshine, and it's hard to not think that's a good thing.
I'm still really down though. It started yesterday when I had to hook up a farm implement to my tractor and it just slammed me with the reality that that was something H should have been here for, and that he has abandoned me and our life together, all in the name of his own "happiness" which seems to consist of city life, clubbing, binge drinking, an affair (despite saying he wants to be alone), a new absurd fascination with electronic music, new clothes. Same old story - who is this person, and why is he acting like he's 20, or younger, when he's mid-40s? His new life just strikes me as such a superficial one, entirely based on lies, because he's lied to everyone he meets. I can't relate to it at all, and I really don't like the person he's become. I keep hoping that some form of the person I knew all those years might surface, but not so far. He's a selfish, self-involved WAH/MLC man.
I'm discouraged and disgusted and sad and angry. Mostly sad.
I want to thank SadHub for this:
Originally Posted By: SadHub
I hope you are doing well this morning. Try and remember that his"story" is simply his story. Do not let go of what you know your story is. I know how hard it is as when the negative thoughts invade our minds we tend to focus on all that we wish we could have done different, but in the end, we did the best we could with what we had.
Being a lighthouse is a challenge in different weather so to speak. Weather changes and sometimes the boats will struggle to see, but the lighthouse must continue to shine no matter what, with the hopes and expectations that it will be seen. The rest is up to God. But shining bright no matter the weather is up to us.
My prayers are with you again this day. May you feel some peace and calm.
And GWH for this:
Originally Posted By: GWH
Hope your having a better day today. Remember we really don't know what they are thinking.
Your kind words and support mean a lot to me, especially right now.
H: 44, Me: 45 Married: 20 y Together: 25 y no kids Walk away: 12/15 Asked for temp separation 12/25/15 PA confirmed 3/16 (apparently neither the first, nor the last PA he has had) H filed for D 5/16
There's always a trigger of something to spark the sadness. For me that has been anything from a couple out pushing a baby together or a sweet old couple helping each other walk slowly. It's like upsetting because I see the young couple and think that should be us- or it'll be the old couple sparking thoughts that it won't be us. Truth is, I don't know that. He doesn't know that, we don't know what the future has in store.
It may be a job you should have done together, or maybe that he shouldn't have done- but wow! Be proud of yourself for what you've achieved yourself!
With regards to the trash comment. There's no WAY you are, not even slightly! I echo sadhub, yesterday you helped me get through some awful anxiety attacks by talking to me. Me, a perfect stranger you haven't met. That shows a kind heart.
Me 26 H 25 M 4 T 5 Baby born 4/14 BD: 1/15 EA: 2/15 PA: 4/15 reconciling: 4/15 ILYBINILWY- 11/15 ILY-1/16 ILYBNILWY 4/16 ILY 6/16 ILYBINILWY 6/16 Baby due 3/17 BD 8/16
It's true. It seems that every situation is becoming a mine field, where I could come across a trigger at any moment. Last week it was the sweet 80 year old in a wedding ring holding the door for me, showing me what I wasn't going to have with H. Later in the week it was finding H's prescription charges. Yesterday the trigger was having to ask a stranger for help with the tractor. Next it will be... ???
Thanks for the kind words, Cherry. I know that I can be my own worst enemy when it comes to negative self-talk sometimes, but it's just the way I feel these days. I'm having a hard time finding the positives in my situation.
I'm lucky in that I don't have to keep up a facade of good cheer every day because H is completely absent, but I so miss having him around. I think back to November and December, when I though everything was fine, and all the nice times we had together, and I am still left with the most over-riding feeling that I've had ever since H walked - complete confusion. I just don't understand, and I'm beginning to think that I never will.
What do you do when you can't make sense of your own story?
H: 44, Me: 45 Married: 20 y Together: 25 y no kids Walk away: 12/15 Asked for temp separation 12/25/15 PA confirmed 3/16 (apparently neither the first, nor the last PA he has had) H filed for D 5/16
I think most of us are fairly confused by our stories. The way my h tunes in and out and wants to leave me often leaves me confused and upset. And I don't know if we can ever get into the mindset of a WS.
I think it's important we recognise these emotions and feel them. It's part of the grieving process. These early days are tough, real tough and we are going to go through many firsts that will make us emotional. I wish I could help more.
I want you to find ways to boost your confidence. You are a lovely woman who is worthy of love.
Me 26 H 25 M 4 T 5 Baby born 4/14 BD: 1/15 EA: 2/15 PA: 4/15 reconciling: 4/15 ILYBINILWY- 11/15 ILY-1/16 ILYBNILWY 4/16 ILY 6/16 ILYBINILWY 6/16 Baby due 3/17 BD 8/16
Thank you very much. I know I'm just having a tough few days. I cycle up and down, so I'm thinking I'm about due for a better stretch.
The funny thing is that I'm usually fairly self-confident. I know I have a lot of skills, and I know I will figure out how to care for my property if I can swing it financially. I have always been the "handyman" in the house, and I have no fear of hard work.
I know H is a complete idiot to give up what we had, and even stupider to have given up on me.
I'm looking forward to talking with my therapist Monday and my grief counselor on Tuesday. Maybe they can help me figure out how to deal with some of these triggers. Heck, I'm even looking forward to seeing my GP on Wednesday, too, so she can change my meds, because the SSRI isn't doing a thing! Plus, I really like her.
When all else fails, GAL by filling it with appointments with your (hired) support group! : )
Beyond that, I intend to get out and do some serious brush-cutting over the next few days and make some progress on this property. I'm paying for this darn tractor, and by gosh, I am going to put the thing to work as long as I still own it! Nothing sexier than a woman in a big azz tractor, right? LOL.
H: 44, Me: 45 Married: 20 y Together: 25 y no kids Walk away: 12/15 Asked for temp separation 12/25/15 PA confirmed 3/16 (apparently neither the first, nor the last PA he has had) H filed for D 5/16
I would say that this has all happened so very recently that it's no wonder you are not feeling better every day. After 25 years, it's going to take a while. But it sounds like you are doing what you can, taking good care of yourself, getting help. One day at a time.
You are a resourceful, educated woman with lots of energy and a bright future ahead of you, and yes - a woman on a tractor is very attractive to a lot of men! I am convinced that if H is foolish enough to let you go for a superficial life, down the road there will be any number of quality men who will feel incredibly lucky to meet you!
Are there any divorce care groups you can join where you live? Other groups you might be interested in joining, to expand your social circle?
M 16 yrs, WH62, P54 3 adult blended kids EA 11/13, BD1 6/14 PA fall 14, BD2 2/15 Piecing 2015, BD3 12/15 Separated 4/16 WH moved OW in 5/16 Divorced 6/15/17
I hate triggers too and the thing about triggers us that they come so unexpectedly. It can be a scent, a scene, a sound. I miss xh the most when something good happens and he's not around for me to share to. It's like the phantom limb syndrome?
I guess it will get more manageable with time.
Lol about the big azz tractor. Maybe you should combine it with some Cherryesque attitude and wear some geels while you're at it! If that's even possible!
You can call me Dory/ Grl.
As a wise fish once sang,"Just keep swimming!"
It's no use to go back to yesterday because I was a different person then.
Too funny, JksD!! I could use some of that Cherry attitude, it's true! I don't wear high heels, so I suppose work boots will have to do! : )
Triggers are the worst, for exactly the reason you mentioned. You never know what they are or when you'll find them. I agree that it's really hard not to have H around to share things with - stories, laughs, etc.
Painter, I have been trying to get on board with a DivorceCare group, but all the ones within about 50 miles are into their last few sessions, or have just finished up. I really want to get in at the beginning, so I could see the some of the same faces each week. Unfortunately, the only new groups I've located don't start until September. Still working on it.
I joined the local BAN (Beyond Affairs Network) through Meetup, and they're hoping to have a get together once monthly, starting the first week in May, so that's something.
I really ought to get with some hiking groups, but I am a pretty conscientious person on trail and I don't have any of my gear. I won't step foot on a trail without my essentials (my pack, some type of basic shelter, clothing, safety kit, etc..) I've backpacked a few thousand miles, and can't see messing with my method. It's kept me safe so far.
Unfortunately, everything I need is in the house H is supposed to be in. He is still there some days when he works locally, and his schedule isn't set in stone. I also really want to get my bicycle which is there, too. It's the time of year I am usually training to do a 40 mile charity ride for diabetes.
In order to avoid seeing him, I'd have to ask him his schedule and make it plain I didn't want him there. That's awkward, and certainly not breezy and friendly. Quite frankly, I'm having a hard time drumming up an interest in contacting at all, as I'm still smarting from my last face-to-face with him. I'm going to procrastinate a few more days.
Anyway, the bottom line is, yes. I am definitely looking into local options for getting more social contact and support.
H: 44, Me: 45 Married: 20 y Together: 25 y no kids Walk away: 12/15 Asked for temp separation 12/25/15 PA confirmed 3/16 (apparently neither the first, nor the last PA he has had) H filed for D 5/16
(((((Phoebe))))). For all the support you have been sharing with so many today while going through your own struggles.
I love your plans to get out there and make some connections with folks that can be of aid in this time of challenge for you. This is one of my goals that I am putting in place as well, and fortunately D17 has told me that we are going to be accountability partners to make sure we get out here.
Another idea we are planning to put into place is some community service groups. She says that by doing this, we can take our focus of the challenges with our family is going through, and put it on helping others. She is some kind of special young lady my daughter.
Me 46 Former W 46 D19 D7 BD Feb 2016 WAW moves out 4/16/16 D final 6/1/2017
It's time for me to start changin' the way I look at the world......and at myself. ~James Howlett aka Wolverine
Hi Phoebe, I've just read your summary. How awful! I think we are all too hard on ourselves about being down and upset. I think that it is perfectly normal to feel down and upset when a 25 year relationship is abruptly ended by one of the parties. The only other time such a long relationship would end so suddenly is if a partner died. Nobody would think it wrong to be so upset then, and in a way I feel that our situations are worse because the partner has chosen to go, not cruelly taken away in death. It sounds like you are having good days and times in amongst the pain and sad days, which is a step in the right direction. We are all stronger than we think we are having to go through this. Take care.
