I'm glad I had an appointment with IC. She said today I was in the same state as I was when I first started to work with her! I cried the whole session and she made me admitt that I still had hopes when clearly my H actions are showing no sign of wanted to R. She said he has compartmented his life and I have no place in it. She also made me admit that I was afraid of letting go because I feel like a damaged good ( if I'm not good enough for my H, who would want me?).
She also told me that loving him is causing me pain and if I was to let go the pain would go away. She asked me to stop to find excuses for my H and really see him for who he is! Truth darts I guess!
In two weeks I'm supposed to go to my niece wedding but I don't feel like going. It's going to be hard for me to be at a wedding when my own has brutally been ended! I'm happy for her but emotionally I'm a wreck and I don't want to spoil her day. I texted H to ask him to take the girls and he said that he really think that I should be going because his niece wants to see me there, that his family still think of me as family and that even though it might be difficult I (meaning me in his text)/ we can manage and be civil. IC said that H has really got not clue on how hurt I am and that maybe he wants me there because all his family will be there so he can show to everyone that we are friends! So he doesn't look bad.
I really can't go as I know I'll be in tears. His family has just given me support for the first couple of months but I haven't from most of in the the last 4 months. I still take my kids to see their grandad as I feel it's important that they stay in touch with him.
I'm such a fool to really have hope for something that will never happen.
Good Lord Rouky things just seem to get more complicated for you. `I can't understand why your husband would want you to go to the wedding with him instead of his girlfriend. Just speaking as your friend I think he is ashamed to take her so why cover for him? He is completely self centered in every other aspect of his life so why would he care about your feelings involving the wedding?
Letting go? That is a tough one. I remember thinking that if I let go of my ex then it would be over. It took some time for me to accept that I couldn't cause her to want me. Something had to change in her and so far it hasn't so ultimately I had to focus on my own healing. I feel for you because you surely feel like it is within your power to save the marriage but you are only half of the equation. And your husband doesn't consider your half. Maybe he will change his mind maybe not but you will have very little to do with his decision. I hate telling you that because I know how hurt you are but it really is up to him. You have done everything and then some to show your commitment to him so I hope you can let nature run it's course and focus within yourself.
As always Rouky I love you and pray for peace for you. I hope you can do something for yourself this weekend and can find a moment of happiness. God Bless you, Mark
M:53 W:47 M:15 years. S:18 S's: 30 & 28 from previous marriage. BD: 3/14 Divorced January 17.
IMHO it's not helpful for IC to say all you have to do is quit loving H and move on. That's not very easy to do at all. You can't just snap your fingers and change how you feel, no matter how hard you try. You sound very strong to me. Some days it hurts; we all get that up and down feeling.
I find it very interesting that H wants you to go to the wedding with him, and that he's not going with ow. I wonder if you could hold your head up high, be your gorgeous self, be happy and detached, and let him see what he's throwing away? I am a hopeless romantic, and I've probably seen too many movies, but what if seeing you in this context makes him miss you and want you back? (Or it could break your heart all over again if you have too many expectations.) It's just that I know too many friends/couples who have broken up, separated, even divorced, then got back together a couple of years (or less) later. La vie, c'est mystérieux, non?
11/4/15 W revealed EA/2 months later became PA with co-worker Reconciling since late April 2016 Don't give up until it's time, then move on Be patient, strong and kind but never a doormat
Thanks Shotgun and NyGal ( good to hear from you), OW has never been invited to the wedding because when my niece gave out the invitation she knew about OW but have never met her. To this day I don't know if OW has been introduced to any of H's siblings!
Found out that H has once again disabled his FB account and without a doubt told OW not to post anything as cover photos that could incriminate him as we aren't D nor yet legally separated.
I understand where you are coming from NyGal, unfortunately H has made his choice, moved on and him being behaving like that at the moment is only because I'm refusing to sign the contract of the sale of the house until he signs the deed of separation!
H is having a great life. He goes away for his birthday ( which we haven't done for the last 9 years because of first kid), he leads a single life with his GF without the day to day routine with young children. OW has been able to take time of work for him ( in my job as a teacher I can't), God knows who were looking after her kids. I have no family here, and his family never offered/ helped us babysitting. So why on earth would he come back? He is care free, no responsibilities, only needs look after himself and OW does the job!
I questioned IC about why the girls haven't met her yet, and she thinks H has compartmentalised his wife, so each part of his life runs along but never collides. If OW is like me I have never asked to be introduced to step daughter, at the fine I told him that when he'd be ready to do so I'd be happy!
This week has been very though but as Shotgun said it's only up to my H to want to save our M and he has already told me that our relationship is toxic and had he has seen it with his parents and R after an A never works out! IC thinks that H sends me mixed messages because he wants to keep me sweet as I need to sign the sale papers!
As I told IC it's a shame that we now leave in a society where M, taking wows don't mean anything anymore! Unfortunately I fell in love with a narcissist, gave him 11 years of my life but he couldn't bring himself to leave if he was unhappy but cheated and let me do the dirty work so he'd not have to do it!
My kids tonight asked me if their dad was going on a date with his GF, now it has become normal for them that their dad has moved on. That's really hurts because my kids have accepted that this is the norm now !
Have decided to go NC for my own sanity. H comes in your to pick up kids and drop them off. I'm not in the same room as me as H doesn't try to acknowledge that I'm in the house!
Spoke to SIL about wedding. She told me that when niece was deciding who to invite she wanted me more than my H, but as he is her uncle she couldn't not invite him! I agreed to go to the service as her mother reckons that it'd mean a lot to my niece, and I will honorate my niece's wish. SIL face dropped when I told her I wasn't coming but said she understood. She added that OW will not take my place & anyway she hasn't met her. I believe her when she said that.
We got on talking about my H, and she said that it'll take time to heal for me. That H is arrogant and that in time I'll see that he wasn't good with/ for me. She might have said that to comfort me but she has always been honest with me. It's funny how she and her other sister see H as not a good person. I told her that the good thing about all of this was that he had stepped up as a dad, to which she replied that a shame that he's doing it now. I know I'm mind reading but H has been with this OW for 3 years now: no introduction out kids, not to any of his siblings! Also again mind reading, I asked her if she thought he was happy and she went silent. I guess she didn't want to say yes, but her face looked sad.
Yeah too much mind reading. I know that NC will not help me to save my M as H will see it as what he was blaming me for ( not paying enough attention to him), but I need it for me! I tried it earlier this year and felt better, so dropped doing it, I know I'm not setting the right example for my kids as I'm not talking to their dad (& maybe I shouldn't do it) but I truly need this to heal!
The first time I went non contact for a month, I didn't see any improvement in my situation but I felt better. Now need to seriously take care of myself!
Oh Rouky, what an awful situation for you. I can see exactly what your IC is saying, that H has compartmentalised his life, strange how they can do that. I think that perfectly describes my H too!
I can see why you're struggling to decide what to do about the wedding. On the 'hope' front, as NYGal says, it could be a chance to show what H is missing, but it would also be so heartbreaking. I also find it interesting that he wants to show his family that you can still be one big, disjointed, happy family! Cake eating again! Our WAH are so good at that! You'd think they'd be tired of cake by now.
H is going separately with his eldest daughter. I fully understand what NYGal is saying, but as I'm getting better in finding myself and what i want, I know that going to this wedding will hurt me more than anything. H has made it clear that I am no longer part of his life, so why should I restrain my strong feelings of discomfort to attend the reception and pretend that H and I are ok with the situation I have been put in so people would feel that it's an amicable break up so H can look good!
I'm afraid I'm not prepared to play a part in this masquerade! Attending the church service will be fine for me as the place is big enough but I'm not playing in H's hand!
As far I'm concerned I have to take stand for myself. I feel H is trying to control me with him appealing to my caring nature. I know that H doesn't want me but yet doesn't want to let me go! Last night he even apologised as he couldn't babysit for me and even told me why he couldn't do it. Whereas on the same day in the morning he would spew at me!
No! he is either done with me and doesn't give me all these unnecessary details, or he tries to work on our M! I'm not a doormat anymore. I know he only wants me there at the reception so I'd be able to look after the kids. Me not being there will allow him not too feel awkward! So it's the best for both of us!
If I didn't have the kids, I'd be done with him! I'd have gone dark. I'm amicable when I see him but I'm not going out of my way to please and flatter his ego. He is done, so am I! Period.
Got to be frank here Rouky. I think the only chance you have of getting your husband's attention is to start seeing or make him think that you are seeing another man. I promise you that he will not like it and the thought of you with another man will make him think about what he is missing. I really do think that he has never contemplated you moving on and being with another man. The possibility of and the reality of are two completely different things. Also his wanting you to go to the wedding is bizarre. Trying to figure out why will only drive you crazy. I'm sad for you Rouky and wish that I could help but remember that I am always thinking of you.
M:53 W:47 M:15 years. S:18 S's: 30 & 28 from previous marriage. BD: 3/14 Divorced January 17.
I think you might be right Shotgun but to be honest I don't really care now. I had a great weekend with my kids and saw a good friend of mine. We talked about H and she offered her perspective from an outsider. It was a real shock as it proved me that love is blind. She told me that every time we would meet with her and her H, my H couldn't make it because he was playing his favourite hobbies. That the few times we met (at our house or at their place), H was never involved in helping in whatsoever. She reckons he is limited in how he sees life and that even before OW was on the scene he was behaving in a selfish way. I have never heard my friend says anything negative about anyone since I have know her. And to be fair I think she is right.
I feel in love with H because I was insecure and couldn't believe that someone as handsome as him could be interested in someone like me. I remember when he asked me to marry him, I didn't jump straight away and I had a strange feeling in my stomach that something wasn't right but was so pleased that someone wanted me that I was happy with it. H didn't pay a thing towards the wedding as I sold my car and used my savings! Red flags here ignored once again. If I were to look back without my pink tinted glasses, I should have seen those red flags.
I know it's easy to say this now as I look back, but I can't change the past. My gut feelings are telling me it's over with H and that there is no chance of R. After this week and what he put me through I certainly don't want him back. I kept civil with him because I wanted him back, this didn't work. H has checked out for real! And for the first time for real tonight I'm happy to say that going back with him would be a huge mistake! Even my FIL told me that his son was a selfish boat :-)!
H is a taker never a giver. I'm not feeling sorry for him and OW as they both deserved each other with their high morals and values. I'm off the roller coaster and Rouky is going to live for herself! I have been on a couple of dates with different men but gut feelings started to kick in. This time I listened to it and it happened that one of those men could have been a potential stalker! So I'm glad I have discovered it sooner than later :-)!
Good for you Rouky! This is the path you need to be on. Stay the course and keep working with your therapist. The life you deserve is headed your way and with the tools you are putting in your tool belt and your deeper understanding of yourself, you will not fall victim to men like your ex husband. God Bless you my love and have a fantastic week. The sun is shining and so are you!
M:53 W:47 M:15 years. S:18 S's: 30 & 28 from previous marriage. BD: 3/14 Divorced January 17.
