Heather, I'm glad that you and Louisa had a nice Easter. It's been a long time coming.
Quiet the fear you are feeling about your xh. I don't think he will disrupting your world as he's got enough on his plate right now. Put the fear aside in thinking that he will take Cali away from you. Cali is inviting him into her life all by herself and the drugs aren't helping w/that at all. Cali is the one that has reached out to him and the MIL from h@ll. She's 21 and is making choices that only she will have to face the consequences of her actions. You can't protect her any longer as she's grown woman. Yes, you can love her from afar, listen and sometimes validate what she tells you, but you already know that you can't trust her because she will toss you under the bus once again. You will need to utilize your db techniques when dealing w/her.
As for what has transpired in your life over the last couple of years, I wouldn't worry about what they think. You struggled and lived on a shoe string budget w/no help from Matt, his parent or Cali. From where I'm sitting, they have nothing to brag about in the way that they are living. At least you tried to keep a stable home life and certainly didn't drink or do drugs by any means. You are human and have been willing to own your mistakes and do better.
As for where you are now, you are happy and taking control over your life. You have a job that you like and you are sharing a home w/someone else which means less rent for you to pay. Don't sweat the small stuff.
Cali needs to fly solo, i.e., make mistakes and learn from them. Eventually all of them will see each other for who they are and that's when Cali may come to terms w/what her father did and continues to do...but she's going to have to hit bottom hard before that happens. Until then...love her from afar and be cautious in what you share w/her.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Heather - what a GREAT post you just wrote on Bttrfly's thread. You are such a strong writer! Decided to jump over here to thank you for something.
One of the things I have learned from you is that feeling anger is good. You have written, probably in multiple places, that anger propels us forward. This really resonated with me. I think too often, as little girls, we are programmed to be peacemakers and not to express anger. It has taken me years to relearn to have a healthy attitude with a very healthy emotion.
What I have learned is that anger is the most primal emotion we feel. I often felt other emotions when anger should have surfaced first. Not good. So, when we are taught to bury it or not taught how to express it, we soon become doormats. Just want to tell you that you helped me in this way and it was a biggie! So thank you.
I am amazed by your fortitude.
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
I was offered a promotion on Friday. It's been scary how things are falling into place... a lot of hard work, but also sorta easily and effortlessly. Hard to explain.
I need to journal a bit...
Had a long talk with my oldest daughter today. It was the first time we've talked like this since she told me she was smoking marijuana regularly. I've been giving her some space. Protecting myself.
It was a reassuring and good conversation as far as my daughter is concerned. I left the conversation feeling she is doing what she needs to do in order to put some closure on her dad's behavior and learn how to be a grown up on her own terms.
She said she wants to understand how someone can do the things he has done. I listened. I validated.
It was also nice to get honest with her that I see a lot of alcoholic traits and I am careful with my heart where she is concerned. She told me she is still in counseling and admits she will act manipulative and charming when she needs something, even if it means hurting someone she loves. It was nice to hear her own that.
She is talking to her dad almost daily and she said she needed to talk to me about her dad... it was hard for me. I listened.
But, I feel pretty confident today her drug use and reaching out to her dad is a part of her trying to find some peace with her dad's actions and absence in her life.
Apparently, her pothead friends have talked to him on the phone and say, "Wow, your dad is so cool." Cal said, "Well, yeah, if you are interested in a buddy-buddy, 25-year-old for a dad."
It's like two kids, around the same age, trying to find their way in life. Where do I fit. Cal mentioned several times how her dad is about 25. I guess he even mentioned it himself.
Even when we were married, Matt seemed to go through these cycles... he would cycle between personalities. I think he is stuck in this 18-25 old developmental stage where he is trying to sort out where he fits in relation to his very controlling parents. I think he's been stuck there for many years and it became a crisis when he reached midlife.
And, now, Cal, is age-appropriately, doing the same thing. After my youngest, Louisa, talked to Cal on the phone... it's been months since they spoke... Louisa said, "It's like she is two different people... the Cal we know and this other Cal who thinks smoking weed is okay and is all dumb."
Tonight, however, I heard more of the daughter I know is inside her best self.
It was still really hard to hear about Matt's life. I guess he invited Cal to spend a weekend at his apartment on the lake. He wants to smoke weed with her... "Mom, I'm still aware, that this is really gross. My dad wants to bond with me over a bowl."
I guess he told her that "his roommate" would be there. And, when Cal told him that she can't guarantee she would be nice to said roommate, Matt told Cal, "It's not her fault." That hurt.
That hurts a lot. He said that in marriage counseling. "OW is a good lady."
He cycles. He hits these points where he has all these regrets and, then, he goes back to blaming me for everything. I guess he's is back to blaming me. Skank is back to being a "good lady."
And, having regular conversations and something in common with Cal has brought me back under fire.
I guess when his mom wanted Cal to respond, he actually wrote out a script for her to follow. In the script, Cal was supposed to say that "My mother" was responsible for my not reaching out to you. Really. Not how I remember it.
Cal told him he cannot script that conversation or any conversation and he cannot use my name or talk about me because he wasn't there and doesn't know what went down.
When I joined these boards, I remember being told that I should put all my memories in a box and lock it tight, tuck it safely away. When I hear about Matt's life and hear where his head is at... it's sorta like a bunch of ninjas attack that box. He's no longer the man that was so special to me and all those special memories feel tarnished.
Okay. That helped. Maybe those memories aren't tarnished... and, somewhere deep, very deep... the Matt I knew is still there. I do believe I will see him again... but, it may be 10 more years down the road.
Hearing Cal describe how he comes home from work and smokes a bowl of weed and has no money and wants to take her jet-skiing with his new life... I guess he is back on a high with his divorced, 25-year-old lifestyle.
Funny. I'm pretty sure I'm a very different woman than I was four years ago... Matt sounds the same.
Really, truly, do not want that man in my life today. But, the pain of hearing he is continuing to choose this woman, this life over us... that still hurts.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
But, weird... I feel it calls for a postscript... The whole dual personalities and trying to find the one which fits??
When we were married, I felt, A LOT, like he was always trying to sort out if he fit with me or the life his parents wanted for him. When he left, he chose the lifestyle and a woman much like his mom.
Always this feeling of him choosing... Me or the other lifestyle. Waiting to be the chosen one. Weird.
I can see it more clearly now. It's all about figuring out where you fit in the world, which is something you're supposed to do in your early twenties, right?
Cal is doing this. At 21. Somedays, she will text me about being the best mom ever. Next day, I can't believe you let me down about such-and-such. She is digesting her life, her parents, figuring out where she fits.
Matt got stuck there. He will be 50 next year and he is still stuck in this early twenties place.
You look hard at your parents... Sometimes you embrace them completely for who they are... you face the fact they are humans and imperfect... you confront where they messed up... you look at yourself and what you want and you find some collective blend of it all to create an adult life.
He seems so tormented by his parents and their influence. He went so far as to create a script for his daughter to use in order to appease his mother. That's weird. He's freakin fifty.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
Interesting how, four years, he has shown little to no interest in keeping up communication with our kids. But, since Cal has confided about the pot use, he calls her friend's phone to talk and offers to go and pick her up to spend time with her.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
Hi Heather, I’ve been reading your updates. Congratulations on the offer of promotion! I hope you get it. You’ve done an amazing job getting to where you are now.
I really don’t know what tell you about your D21 though. I think most of the young adults experiment with pot at one time or another, just not everyone admits it. It is just a matter how much she is using. You said she admitted to using it every day. This is still not the end of the world. I know some people who did it for a while and then it got “old” and they stopped.
For your daughter this could be more than just experimenting, because of her Dad and everything that came with him smocking. I would be concerned too. But, what I also thought when I was reading your update is at 21 she is an adult. I think your xh didn’t have any contact with her before because she was reminding him of his responsibilities. He didn’t want to have these responsibilities. Now, she is grown up, so he feels that he is not responsible for her, but she is his daughter, and naturally he wants to bond with her. I don’t know if I’m expressing this good enough. It is like with my H. He never wanted the kids on his own, he did his best raising my son. He imposed the restrictions on certain behavior when my son was a teenager, including the drinking. But now, he has no problems hanging at the bar and drinking beers with my son. Still a little guarded, but this is just my H (deep in MLC, etc.)
I’m not sure if I’m making any sense here. Heather, I completely understand your concern for your D21, given the history. I also understand you stepping back and letting your D21 to make her own choices. I hope your daughter figures it out. After all, she has great example in her Mom.
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
Heather congratulations on your promotion. I hope you take it. You've worked so hard and come so far in this short time (i know it doesn't feel short, but really 4 years isn't that long in the broadest scheme of things)
Kids will be kids. What's normal for Cal to do at 21 is so not normal for a 50 year old to do. I'm glad she sees that.
Best to watch and wait. This pot smoking could be a phase. If it turns out to be something more, you are there for her. I know this is harder to do as a parent than for me to type here.
Sending you hugs and love and light xoxoxo
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
Congratulations on the promotion. BTW, you are a very different person than you were three/four years ago. You've become more settled, don't panic about things so quickly, calmer and have become more of an active listener and offer up sage advice. You've become more independent and try not to rely on others to rescue you and yes, you've ventured forth into the business world, a world that you may have been afraid to get into because you enjoyed staying at home and having little contact w/people. Just look at all you've accomplished! Yes, you've had some ups and downs and made mistakes, but you've learned from them. Never doubt yourself.
As for Cali, she's young, they experiment and they have to have the time to learn things on their own. If we molly coddle them too much...they won't learn from their mistakes like they should. I'm hoping that she can get herself together and go on to a great career and life...but it's going to take her some time to figure herself out on her own. Continue to listen and validate...but do not bail her out. Make her think things through for herself and if she asks for your opinion, then tell her like it is and let it be.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Today would have been our 25th wedding anniversary. And, I'm okay. July 4th marked four years since Louisa and I happened upon Matt and Skank broken down on the side of the road on our way to fireworks. He had kept the OW secret for 6 months at the time. Honestly, I don't think I thought about that incident once on July 4th. Not once.
Had we stayed together, I would have been celebrating 25 years with a man who abused substances off and on for the duration of our marriage, lied to me regularly, was emotionally unavailable and abusive pretty much daily and could never seem to get that whole being a kind, caring adult in a relationship thing. Chances are, I would have spent the day alone, like I spent most of our momentous holidays... Alone and disappointed.
So, instead, I'm going to "Step Up" in D.A. today, which means I'm going to be able to sponsor others who struggle with compulsive debt. I will be able to serve in a more active role after 6 months of working this very strict D.A. program.
Things aren't perfect, I still have some mountains to climb... But, luckily! I live in the Smokey Mountains and I'm getting fitter and able to handle the climbing, both figuratively and literally.
We moved into a beautiful, gated apartment north of Asheville. I still don't have a car and, after six months of no car, I'm getting anxious to rememdy this. A co-worker likes to flip old Volvos and has one he is willing to sell for $1200. Trying to figure it out. I'm still earning below what I would like to earn in order to create a more fabulous life for Louisa and I... but, we are getting there. I'm in charge of two newspapers and the legals department for this small newspaper company. The pay is low, with no benefits, but it's given me a chance to heal some and build my skills and daily work ethic slowly. They are paying the max of what they can handle and I have some flexibility with my schedule.
Still have to work on GAL. Not having a car plays a role in this. But, even without a car, Louisa and I have had some serious fun since moving here. There is a strong local Al-Anon group I'd like to attend once I get a car and there's a million fun things to do.
There was a missed child support payment in May. I felt very different from the woman I was four years ago. I called the CSA ASAP. They called Matt's employer. There hasn't been any missed payments since. However, they still owe me the missing payment. CSA actually said the payment was lost in the mail??? Seriously.
And, they have to wait a period of time to re-request the money before I will see it. Stupid. I love how this system protects the deadbeats and not the kids. But, it's only $307.80 and I did what I can do for now.
Matt hasn't seen Louisa now in two full years as of May. Cal is still talking with him, but it's about every two weeks.
On Father's Day, I texted a picture of Louisa swimming. No reply. He has gone back to silence with me. I get the impression he has thrown himself into his adolescent lifestyle with a fresh energy since signing divorce papers last fall and my boundary at Christmas that I am no longer available for his holiday texts and cards filled with "I'm sorry and want to come home... blah, blah, blah..." I told him at Christmas that his old life is no longer waiting and I haven't heard a thing since.
About a month ago, Cal asked me in desperation to come get her and bring her to Asheville. I agreed, with the understanding she would only be able to stay with us for 3 weeks and she'd have to pay me $225 to just get down here.
I sense she is trying to make some big changes and she is unhappy with herself, however, she still claims she is happier than she has ever been. Not quite what I'm seeing, but okay. And, according to Cal, marijuana is simply a misunderstood harmless drug. She agreed to abstain while living with me and has now started dreaming again... a sign that she is indeed pot free.
I picked her up on Friday.
Apparently, Matt was upset because he had planned on coming to pick her up and take her jet-skiing on Lake Erie at his apt with he and skank.
The man had 1.5 years to visit Cal at her college in PA. Not one visit. He didn't make the effort. And, Cal felt guilty for upsetting him. Amazing how he can push those buttons.
Since Cal has been here, I've learned pieces of her life which make me so sad. She has been stealing food at grocery stores to eat. I love her, but I cannot allow this girl with all her problems to live with us long... If she commits to a drug-free lifestyle with help and humility maybe. But, she hasn't as of yet.
I'm sticking close to my sponsor and other 12-steppers on this one.
She has also been a reminder of the life I used to live with an active addict. Always wondering if I'm being lied to. Am I being used? Of course I am.
Dealing with moodiness and negativity and judgment about the lives of others, while her own life is pretty nuts. Things I had forgotten. Having conversations with someone who is adept at making ME feel crazy.
I said to her the other day... "No matter how bad it's gotten, it can get worse." The old Heather would have never said anything like that. She got upset and I told her... it's important to understand you are responsible for your life and if things are bad... you need to make things right. I'm not sugar-coating. This kid was already starving and counting on the kindness of other weed-loving friends to get through the day. I'm not supporting this habit or her.
I prayed hard about picking her up. My own family has been so lacking when it comes to actually being there for me. I appreciate how they helped me financially, but they are so not available in any other way. I needed my daughter to see I will be there, but she is an adult and is responsible for her own life.
One cool thing... my kids see me as bada$$. They look at how I've walked through the fire and I'm still standing. While I'm not stupid to overlook the fact that Asheville makes for a great location to any pothead... I can see my daughter is also here to try and get things sorted out for herself. I can see my behavior is different and she has said she wants to learn how I manage money and how I'm acting the adult now.
Plan on keeping my mouth shut and just continue walking the walk for her to watch.
Anyway, that's what's happening here at Lake Wobegon. I read pretty regularly. Hard to see the new families joining and starting this journey.
At the same time, I would've never known how bada$$ I am if the old pothead ex had stuck around to sleep and NOT get things done around the house :-)
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
