Life takes hold and being a mum too there's so much to do. It's good that you recognise what you could do and even changes that would benefit you. This is still very new to me too but I've read a lot about validating and if/when H initiates any R talks with you then it seems to be a case of also acknowledging that we as the LBS would also like a more fulfilling R and acknowledging what we could do to help this process.
Mia I really wouldn't focus on the OW too much. I know it's the most hurtful part, I'm in the same sitch too. H is BOUND to be really in to her. He's got the same way of thinking currently as a teenager. It's like that first crush you have as a teen, you think they're the best thing since sliced bread, your heart pounds and your stomach flips at their name let alone the sight of them. H once felt this for you, if he didn't you wouldn't have got married. H doesn't know the OW and she doesn't know him. Whilst I don't believe in pulling people apart I know that I have enough strength of character and values not to get involved in a R with a MM. The OW is likely to be missing something herself, she's looked at the life you and H had and wanted that. You should actually take it as a compliment. What hasn't dawned however and may it will, maybe it won't and who knows how long it'll take, is that the reason you and H had the life you did was because you were part of it. Their R will never be like yours because she's not you.
HB says that the man the OW has now is not your H, your H would not treat people as he is. She has a lesser version of him, one who may be convincing in the show he's putting on to impress her but would you want to be involved with someone going through D who's going to have tears, tantrums and everything inbetween? I know at some point I'd run for the hills!
I'd tell your SIL that you're not interested in hearing about H, the OW or what they're doing. It's only going to consume you and you don't need that weight on your shoulders.
If you are really focused on the OW Google some articles by people who were the OW. I've read a few and the message seems to be it's not all a bed of roses! Xx
Me: 38 H: 40 (39 @ BD) BD: August 2015 T: 22 years M: 15 years D: 18 years (17 @ BD)
Well, I think the fundamental thing to realise is you only get to control one piece of this picture - you - and move forward from there.....how about pretty notebook and some goals as a starting point - all about you....? Xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Mia, We all look back and think about the things that we should've, could've, would've, but the bottom line is this...if they don't tell you what is on their minds, we wouldn't have known how they felt. Also, if he was so unhappy w/you and the relationship, he could have left at any time and not at midlife and you most certainly would have known because he would have exhibited displeasure about everything then.
Some MLCers do not take up w/another partner and this is not strange at all. Their "partners" become work, hobbies, their bestie friends, etc. I know of several who didn't take up w/another person, but were quite happy traveling and doing their hobbies for about 4 years and then came out of the rabbit hole more settled and content.
Mia, do not beat yourself up in thinking that you should have known how he felt. They all become dissatisfied and say things or point out the so called flaws of the relationship and us. They are so unhappy w/life and it's the depression talking.
What do you do now? You move forward and work on yourself. Start a GAL list and check them off as you accomplish them. Many people find that blogging is a great way to get things out on paper and can refer back to them as they progress.
Mia, you can do this. Whether he comes back or not...no one can predict the outcome...but if he doesn't come back, he's lost a wonderful woman who is the prize.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Mia, I just noticed that you have two threads going. Please stick to one thread until you've reached 100 postings/replies. You can always change the subject line in a thread to reflect what is going on at that time. Having two threads going at the same time creates confusion because people do not know which one to post to and also, when you want to go back and refer to a posting, you will have to do a lot of searching of the threads to locate the info.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Hi Mia, I can imagine the weekends without the kids being harder for you. The best plan is to replace that time you spend sitting and thinking about 'him/them etc' with some GAL for yourself.
Whilst unasked for, the weekends do represent some time that you could plan to do some things just for you - no working around soccer practice, bath time, home work etc - maybe some time spent with a girlfriend, family or just indulging yourself. I sometimes used to ask myself - okay, given all circumstances are just as they are....what would joy look like to me this weekend?
I hope you'll be able to plan something nice for yourself next time you don't have the kids, and that you'll come to experience more 'upsides' in this tough situation. It does take time, and I'm not saying any of that is easy - but with gentle and persistent effort and baby steps it can be done.
Xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Mia, Don't apologize...it's an honest "oops" about the threads. You will need to decide which one you are going to keep active and we'll post on that one.
As for the time you have by yourself when the kids are w/him...use it wisely. This is your "me" time to do whatever you need to do, i.e., household stuff or personal stuff that you never get the chance to do. I would think about making some plans for the nice days ahead when you are by yourself. I do understand missing the kids, but it's a time when Mia needs to take care of Mia.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Tbh this weekend I either worked or spent time on the phone to friends. He did say yesterday that he removed the pics of him and ow. I joined a dating site....not for anything serious just a bit of a laugh. Got some lovely compliments which was a bit of an ego boost. .
Just keep posting on this one and let the other thread fade....
What are your plans for this week?
Can you describe yourself to me? Not physically but tell me about you. What you like to do, what you are good at, what you WISH you were good at
Me: 35 husband:39 Sons 16 and 11 from my first marriage Twins 5 (boy/girl) Daughter 3 Affair bomb 2/27/14 He moved in with ow 3/13/14 OW kicked him out 6/15/14 4/2016 he seeks help for sexual addiction
Hi Mia, sorry you're up early. I had that for a while too and it does pass. It's good that you have some friends to call at weekends & maybe make some plans with one of your friends for the next time kids are with your H? That way, whilst you'll miss them still - you'll also have nice plans for yourself.
Those are some good questions from Twinmom - I look forward to hearing more about you too - not you in relation to H and your sitch - just you.... :)X
Now then - you mentioned the dating site and I would encourage you to think carefully about what you want here - though of course it's up to you if you choose to date. If in any doubt, Google 'relationships and entanglements' and have a think about the difference between the two, and whether you are in a place where you are ready for another relationship. You say it's for fun, but how far do you intend taking that and do you still hope your M might be saved - maybe not yet but somewhere down the line?
Maybe just some food for thought on that one anyway. I've met too many people who jumped early on into dating, jumped into another R, that didn't work out and they end up dealing with the whole thing later on. I've never yet met anyone who regretted waiting 'too long' before starting to date!
Hope this week is a better one for you Mia xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
