And on it goes

[Kyh]

Hi Mia, I've been following your thread and I since you've been bringing up the cloud I thought I'd share this in case you didn't already know (I just found out) but if you aren't in private browsing on safari or have your settings adjusted your open tabs will show up in your cloud account.

Don't keep blaming yourself for your husbands actions, they are his to own not yours. I did this for a long time with my w before I woke up. I spent months blaming myself. I'm a shy self-conscious person and ironically through my sitch I'm now less self-conscious than I've ever been. If you've owned up and worked on any legitimate faults you may have or had and he won't work with you it's obviously his problem. I know how bad this hurts but take care of yourself and listen to the advice you've been given.

[Mia2003]

Well I don't shout at him anymore lol. I was as nice as pie about the photos yesterday.

With regards to my faults I probably didn't give him enough attention/intimacy but can't work on that if he is with ow.
I did try when he was here and started all this

[twinmom]

Mia, I understand exactly what you are feeling. I found pics on my H's phone after he moved back of my then 2yr old daughter cuddling on OW lap & H had sent the pic to OW with the caption 'my princess & my queen'.

You have read a lot of what happened to me. It was horrible, but two years later and a LOT more heartbreak my H has finally sought professional help for sexual addiction and has opened up to me about what was going through his head.
My H is truly addicted to the high he gets from a new relationship. He treated me like crap & said horrible things about me because he said he had to have a reason to walk away from me.
He had to justify what he was doing. He has told me that he sees me as a much stronger, better person than he is and that scared him. He tells me all the time that he doesn't deserve me. He also told me that he knows I'm a million times better than any of the women he cheated with. He was just so "high" he couldn't see their flaws.
He LIVED with a woman for 3 months and was so 'high' couldn't see her crazy.... he reflects on that time now and can't believe he was so blind. Even little things like OW cooking, she only made kid friendly foods like mac & cheese, sloppy joe, lasagna.... never once cooked a veggie to go with it. I serve multiple veggies at every meal & a typical dinner might be spaghetti squash with shrimp, red peppers, tomato chunks and spinach pesto. OW would serve pop tarts for breakfast where as I have chia seeds with almond milk, bananas & PB2 in individual cups ready for the kids.

What I'm trying to tell you is that I would place a LARGE bet that you are better than OW in EVERY way possible. He is drunk, high, out of his mind. You can't 'sober him up'. The drugs of a new relationship have to wear off on their own.


Fake it until you make it.

[Mia2003]

Just seen another fun packed weekend at dads . Surely he can't keep this up. If he'd done a half the stuff when he was here with the kids maybe he wouldn't have got himself in such a rut.

[Mia2003]

I am so angry this morning. That idiot has destroyed our family. No more family holidays, no more family days out...for what..because he was unhappy for a coule of months. So what.....his ow makes up for all the family stuff we can't do now?

I can not fathom how he could do this. My lovely kids have to miss out on their family unit because he developed 'strong emotional feelings' for that skank. Unbelievable

[Sotto]

Hi Mia, sorry you're having a rough morning ((((hugs))))

It's just a thought, but it may help you to read the Men in Midlife Crisis book by Jim Conway. Written about his own MLC and what he has learned since in supporting others going through MLC. If you are feeling like you can't fathom out why your H would do this, further reading may help.

For example, Conway explains the 'intense pain and confusion' 'self doubt.....despair...and darkness' MLCers feel.

He describes that many guys 'grin and bear it' - pushing down their feelings (because 'they are not supposed to cry, feel pain and hurt.') They try and 'tough it out' and he describes this silence as tragic.

However, the feelings grow to a point that the MLC feels compelled to do something. He says 'sadly, men run away rather than face their problems and seek help.' In MLC, the running sadly often involves an OW (who is normally an 'affair down' - because who among us would be drawn/get involved with a guy 17 years our senior (in my sitch) who is M and flirting with them.

However, once the A begins, it does need to run it's course. And while it is doing just that - is your opportunity to learn, grow and heal from all that is happening. Understanding that it's not all rainbows at his end (or may be for now, but won't be for long) may help you. And if you can also develop compassion for what he is experiencing, that may give you the best chance of saving your R in the longer term if that's what you want.

I'm not defending his actions in any way. I don't agree that he made constructive decisions at all - only that he is treading a path that many (otherwise generally good) men have trodden.

I thought KML asked an interesting question above - about how our past impacts on how we deal with and process what is happening for us. Did that bring any insight for you at all?

It's a lovely morning here & I hope you manage to get out and have the best day possible - despite what your H may be doing. There is a good life still to be lived yet, and plenty of lovely family days out and holidays to be had - whether your H chooses to be part of that or not.

Take care Sweetie xx

[Lone77]

Mia it's totally natural to feel angry, you didn't deserve this, your family didn't deserve it!

Right now your H is lost, hurting (although it was his decision) and a multitude of other emotions. You are strong, you are there for your children and it takes a strong and special person to get up each day and look after others when you hurt so much.

You need to tell yourself you can do this, you have a good heart he's losing out, not you.

Try the angry letter I mentioned, write down everything you feel, you can swear and say anything you want. Then rip it up it burn it and get rid of it. You will feel better by getting it all out.

Then download Rachel Patten's song 'fight song'. Remind yourself that you are an amazing strong woman, you've brought children in to the world and you can do anything!

Sending lots of (((((hugs)))))

[Mia2003]

Thanks.

I have read the Jim Conway book. He never says whether he actually left his wife and moved in with ow though.

It just makes me angry that he constantly 'does' things with the kids. Does he think that makes up for him not being here, walking out on them.

I don't believe at the moment that there is any hope for our relationship now. What he has done/ continues to do is beyond the pale.

How can you all be so sure that it's not all as great his end?

[Sotto]

Hi Mia, no Jim Conway never had OW - unusual for a MLCer as many/most do.

I can understand how you must feel about the kids. It's better that he does things than not with them - and at this point he may feel 'the kids are just fine with everything.' It tends to take a while for MLCers to face what they have done (years I think for most as replay lasts for a while.)

There may or may not be hope for your R, but I do think the choice may ultimately become yours. I agree his actions haven't been constructive - however I hope you better understand them having read the Conway book. I don't believe many MLCers are 'bad' people - though the behaviour can be pretty poor for a while.

I'm totally sure things won't ultimately be great at his end. Yes there may be an infatuation high just now - but consequences (for adultery and blowing up your marriage/family) roll in gradually.

However, the main thing is to try and process all of this at your end in as healthy a way as you can manage - release the anger (not at him ideally), read, learn, start to live again, move towards acceptance, grow....

When you look at your M now, and you within it - are there things that you would like to change in yourself moving forward?

Xx

[Mia2003]

Of course. When I look back yes we should've made more alone time together. I should've initiated intimacy more. But I thought that we were fine as he never said anything.

Now I don't know what to do .

But when I talk to friends in long term marriages they sound the same. So my marriage was no different, in fact in some areas better than some. We talked to each other...obviously he started talking to someone else though.

His sister says he is completely taken with her.