Busy week, just getting a chance to post while the kids are/were still asleep. The guardian attorney was here Friday afternoon and I think it went well. When she learned my mom was here that morning to watch the kids for me she asked her to stay and talked to her for quite an hour or so while I had the kids in the back yard. Then she came out and talked with me and the kids for about 45 minutes. She also interviewed my dad and sister earlier in the week.
She wants me to come in to her office again this week to discuss some things without my children around that "I may or may not be aware of." She told me she had w take a drug test because of her erratic behavior and that she passed. I also found out w is not moving into a house but an low income apartment. This really worries me with young kids! They have so much to do at my house and will go from that to being locked in an apartment, she's definitely not thinking of their wellbeing. I'm afraid they'll sit around playing video games and watching tv as this is all her siblings do (four of them in their 20s still live with her parents, no jobs, no social skills, don't drive, nada - completely under Mil's control. W was different and left at 15, that's where I got the adopted step-in laws, but w seems to be acting more and more like her mother since her mlc).
While the attorney was here we mostly stayed on the back deck as the kids were swimming and Jumping on the trampoline. She commented on the nice fenced yard and asked if I built the treehouse (which I get compliments on from anyone who sees it) so I think that is a good thing. She also looked at the kids bedroom and I'm sure at mine adjacent to it. The rest of the upstairs is open. She'd didn't go downstairs but asked me how many other bedrooms I had for when they get older. She asked if w had anytime with them during my 2 weeks and how we communicated. She also asked the kids some questions, like "do you miss your mom?" They said, no not really. I guess that's good for me but it made my stomach turn; that is so sad! How is w so blind to what she is doing to us? The attorney did comment to me that the kids seem to be doing very well for what she normally sees. That is sad because I see a lot of changes in them. Last night d went to her bed and faked being asleep when she called. I thought she was really going to bed since we had been skating at the rink all evening but after she came out and asked to watch a show. I tried to talk to her about it but she acted like nothing was wrong. They've also been sleeping with me about half the time, needing some extra attention.
I think my sister's interview went well. The attorney was asking her about different schedules etc., and about my character. I guess d6 told her I beat up her mom and held s over a cliff! She said s was telling her the whole time it wasn't true and w told her she was making it up too. Nice story to spin in this situation, lol. My parents said they thought theirs went well but I haven't had a chance to talk to them without the kids around yet.
Cali, it's so weird, I will see her and she'll look and sound awful, literally 10 years older, bags under her eyes, totally depressed, etc. and then the next time she will look like a different person but this whole thing has probably put 5 years on her.
AJ, I have been thinking about this before as I can see changes in both kids and a little regression with my s in regard to his asd. It's definitely something I've been pondering.
Bee, sorry you have the same problem. This is something the attorney talked to me about Friday. I think it is probably par for the course but it has to be hard on them. That day or two back to normalcy is sure rough but then they start acting like kids again instead of little adults. And for the eggs (there were quite a few of them) it probably was a coincidence and LBS crazy thoughts, just strange I didn't see any other egged cars.
I forgot to mention that the guardian attorney has asked me if I have asked w to go to counseling recently and if she was dead set on moving during our last two meetings. I've thought about this and although I'm sure she won't I've thought about it. I've been keeping all communication about kids and trying to mix in a little small talk. Prob not good DBing but I've been thinking of asking her before she moves. Is this a bad idea?
Most MLCers will not go to counseling because they don't think there is anything wrong w/themselves. Some will go hoping that the counselor will tell them that the marriage is over and move on and to prove the point that the marriage isn't worth saving.
You could mention that the guardian attorney has inquired about it and if she doesn't react/respond, then drop it. You can't make her go. Try to pose the question in a way that she has the option to make up her mind about it. Don't try to push her into saying yes.
In my opinion, she's no where near being close to going to a counselor and actually working on her issues and delving into those dark places within her soul. But, again, that's my opinion.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Job, I think you're absolutely right. I'm feeling desperate because she's moving and it's wishful thinking on my part as it's tearing me up. On top of what you mentioned about counseling, my w was raped a couple years before we met (didn't tell anyone because she was afraid her parents would make her leave college and come back to their unhappy home) and she got a bad counselor and another later (according to her) so I think she is extra reluctant to seek help. The attorney mentioning this is also trying to deal with an irrational person but I understand where she's coming from. And maybe it's best because a counselor might just tell her to cut it off at this point depending on what she says.
Esame, thanks for stopping in. Sorry, I haven't been to good about posting on your (or others) threads. I read them on the regular but dont comment too much. I'm praying things work out well with the guardian attorney's decision as it will determine where the kids will be to start school. I'm really anxious for my next meeting with her.
W seems to be all over the place again (or still) this week. I sent some pics of us skating this weekend and no reply. We usually send kid pics, tell each other thanks, etc. and communication stops there. Then talking to kids yesterday she mentioned wanting to see them skating (my sister told me she asked her if she could get them skates for d's bday before she moved out and she told her no, they weren't coordinated enough...projection as this is what she says about herself). I told her how well they were doing, especially d, and we were going again this week and she was welcome to come watch. She texted back that it sounded good and she might have to get her own pair and joked how it would be scary (whaaat, I've been trying to get her to ski/ice skate since we've been together and she says she can't).
Tonight when she texted before calling I told her we were going Friday (originally planned Wednesday but I found out it is closed) and about a letter from library I got. She has a bunch of overdue books in the kids names. I had to buy one last week for son's account and paid her late fees so they didn't go to collections. I got another notice for d today and had to pay late fees and recheck them so she wouldn't have to buy them all and have it go to collections. I let her know and she got an attitude...so frustrating. I guess next time I will just let it go. She didn't say anything to me about coming to see the kids skate but I heard her mention it go s, so we'll see.
I found myself really upset with w and myself tonight. I took the kids to fly kites after work at the soccer fields near our and there were several tee ball games going. The kids immediately started asking me if they could play, why they couldn't, how come I didn't sign them up, etc. etc. and nearly crying abou it. I couldn't give a good answer because the reason is w. They asked about it a few months ago and I wanted to sign them up but w was strongly opposed and I ended up giving in, now I see it interfered with her plans to move. I know she won't do any organized sports with them if she gets custody.
Tonight when on the phone with them she was telling them about getting filing cabinets for her office. I know it's been her plan but it hit me like a punch in the stomach. I still can't believe she is leaving next week and my kids have to go. It's sickening.
The kids have no clue what's coming. Idk how to tell them or what to do. All kids need stability and structure but especially with asd and being young. They deserve better than what she is doing. The only other person she even knows there is OM so there are a lot of things going through my mind, mostly the well-being of my kids. I'm not sure how to handle this, I think she is planning on getting them Sunday night and leaving town the next morning. That's a lot for a kid to handle.
I do know from d talking that w told them they were going to a different school in the fall (maybe w doesn't understand it's not up to her) but I can tell they don't know about the move.
Kyh - I am so sorry. You are right, your children don't deserve this; no kids do.
Obviously, it's most concerning that this schedule cannot be maintained come fall and that she just assumes the kids will change to a different school and live with her. I think it'll be time for your lawyer to help you navigate those waters.
You didn't choose any of this. Someday your children will understand this. I wish I had some great advice to make it all easier.
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
Im ringing in late on your sitch. I actually just Finished reading the entire thing. Hats of to you my friend for being the best dad you can be. That is all that matters here. Your has a plan and sadly feeding it to you kids. New school in the fall can mean only one thing. She has the kids. You really need to shut that down right now.
I know you want to be nice to her so she doesn't monster. If MLC her mind is gone and there is no logic. You being the nice guy won't wake her up.
You situation is very similar to mine. My STBXW has mental illness all over her family. New job in sales ( newspapers that's dying career) New friends that influence her. Living with a loser OM.
Trust me when I say this. Do not trust her for one second. She is no longer your W. Follow your gut
Praying for you buddy
Irish
M51 XW43 (38 at bd) BD1 MAY 30 2015 BD2 JUNE 25 2015 by text moved out Aug 2 2015 left both Daughters 13 and 15 (now 18-20) Her divorce Final July 26 2016 Last time she saw her kids Aug 2 2015
Thanks for the replies & thoughts, I really appreciate them!
Hawho, yes, it is very concerning that she just assumes she will get her way come fall. The guardian attorney will be deciding on the best course of action around the beginning of August before school starts. Idk if w gets it, she doesn't act that like it, she just thinks it's her way, period.
Hi Irish, I've been following your thread since I've been here but haven't posted. I've seen a lot of the similarities and try to keep up. Funny you mentioned mental illness, there's a lot in my w's family beyond what I've mentioned. You also made me remember a comment w made to me once, probably 2 years ago or so. She told me she was afraid of going crazy, I didn't see anything wrong with her at the time and reassured her she was fine and it was just her having to deal with her troubled childhood. Maybe it was the beginning of all this, I think her friends death just put her over the edge and she cracked. Her hormone troubles certainly affected her too. You're right, she's definitely not the woman I've known for 14 years.
Bttrfly, I know your right, my best friend and the w I've known is gone, maybe forever, and I'm not doing a good job of detaching. In fact I know I've stumbled backwards quite a bit in that regard. Idk why I'm having such a hard time with this lately. She has little to no respect for me as shown through her actions and I'm still having trouble letting go.
She asked to take the kids for ice cream Wednesday and when I told her what time would be good she got irritated because she didn't want to ruin their dinner but the time I suggested was too late. I guess I'm supposed to have them eat at 5:30, lol. When she pulled up she had a parking ticket stuck on the window (it's in my name so I'll probably get a notice soon) wires hanging below and it smelling like antifreeze. I told her a couple weeks ago but she didn't want me to look at it and she's just been adding antifreeze. I told her not to travel with the kids with it like that so she did actually take it in. Last night she asked about seeing the kids skate and asked if it would work to go Saturday afternoon instead when she got it back. They've been planning on tonight all week so I told her I wasn't sure if we'd go twice and I didn't think it'd be the afternoon since we had other plans (not going to plan my time around her). Then she asked to pick them up at 6 Sunday. I replied I'd like to have them longer so we could have dinner. Nothing back, then this morning I get an email that she was leaving town after she got them (no mention of this in text) and she contacted her attorney who advised it was in the best interest of the children not to be traveling that late and she would take it up with the guardian attorney if she needed to. Just crazy, she didn't get her way so went right to her attorney. So according to them traveling almost till midnight (I was wrong before the town is 5 not 7 hours away) in the middle of nowhere is! I just forwarded it to the guardian attorney as a FYI and let her know I told her to pick them up earlier so they weren't traveling so late. I also asked her about her babysitter/childcare in the string of emails and she told me she arranged her schedule so she didn't need any! So she's planning on dragging them around to work, only working every other 2 weeks, or lying.
Then tonight she texted while we were skating and asked about tomorrow, being nice. I kept it short and just said I'd let her know. It's hard to bite my tongue through a lot of this but I know better than to open my mouth and I think she's showing how irrational she is right now for the guardian attorney to see.
I'm also going to tell the kids about her moving into an apartment in another town tomorrow so it's not a complete shock to them. I can't believe she would just pick them up and leave.
