Yeah... The OM stuff is tough, as with everything either it gets better over time or I'm starting to form the opinion it's our perspective that changes and it just doesn't hurt as much.... Just last night we had a similar scenario and I wasn't happy about it (hearing a party in the background and w all sorts of giddy) but I've arrived at a place it's her choice/her life. What I've learned in my walk thus far has helped some, the MLCr is in crisis and she is not really able to have a healthy relationship with anyone, you/me/OM whoever... So they wear the happy mask because they have to sell what it is that they firmly believe is the path to happiness. I see it as a reality TV show... You really think Survivior those people are roughing it 24 7? When the cameras are off its a different ballgame, they are selling us the show.... My advice... Stop watching and go live your life... GAL The other angle ... Call it crazy but I really see it this way. The A must run its natural course to destruction. Early on in relationships everything is all cute n good, then reality sits is and the way she smacks her gum isn't cool, the fact he is always talking about his golf starts to be irritating ... The more time they spend together the faster the process takes its toll, the A can't end if they aren't together (one of the issues with my w, limited access from the sounds .... I'm guessing OM has a couple OW from what w told me during the TnG) so accept the A has to run its course, while she is destroying herself, doing things against her core values the guilt builds... Stay clear here so that negative energy is not directed or blamed on you but directed towards the source of it which is the A. I had to fake this part, I have a MLC Emmy for best actor who didn't give a chit what she was doing ... After a bit it takes root and you focus on things you can control... Yourself, time with the kids, mirror work, that sort of thing
Hang in there she is going to chase the pipe dream and you have to stay clear
Cali, thank you again so much for the advice. It is much needed and appreciated!
Ugh.. I can't believe her again, i don't know how to deal with her insanity. I'm trying so hard to keep her from pulling me down into the mlc abyss but she keeps pulling me down.
I finally got in control of financial stuff after last week. I had been telling her I needed everything since way before she left. Well she didn't pay anything for the last 2 months and maxed out a credit card so I'm dealing with all that but il figure it out and I'm more worried about custody.
Tonight I get a text that she wants to take them on a trip this weekend. After talking to the kids tonight I asked to talk to her about it before she got a chance to hang up like normal. She told me she wasn't getting enough time with them. I told her it was the schedule she picked, but I was willing to work with her so she had time with them other than just after school and that I wanted to have them every other week and I would be willing to work with her on her trip if I could have time next week. She wouldn't agree. I told her it wasn't acceptable and I wouldn't go that long without seeing my kids. She got mad and said she wasn't agreeing to anything and she was unorganized and needed time to research custody arrangements. I told her split time was fair and what she told me she would do and I wouldn't let her take my kids from me. Then she said she had concerns, I asked what they were because I am a great dad and I deserve my kids and I wouldn't let her take them from me. She then got mad and said I never said you were a bad dad, etc etc. I said I didn't say that and then she said you just said that verbatim and was ready to defend it to the death (she's always twisting things like this on me). I told her I didn't and She insists I did, I said I wasn't going to take credit for something I didn't do and I wasn't going to argue. She wouldn't tell me her "concerns"and I told her she didn't have any when she was out running around every weekend leaving me with them. Then she got po'd said what do you think I'm out going to the bar every weekend? I said your going out to concerts, etc staying out all night......and you don't have any problems with me then. Then she kept saying how she had to look out for the kids etc. she wouldn't hear any logic insisting I was out of order. I told her we needed to talk later and ended it.
I left a vm to ask her to call because it wasn't acceptable and we needed to figure it out. Crickets. An hour or so later I sent a text and told her I changed my work schedule so I could be back Friday to pick them up from school per our agreement and I wanted to work with her but needed more than 2 days notice and that it wasn't acceptable and I would like to talk to her about doing it the following weekend. Crickets...I sent another telling her as of now I was planning on picking them up from school as we agreed. Still nothing. I know I should shut up now but wanted a record of what is going on. Now I'm not sure what to do, what if she takes them Friday? I am calling my lawyer first thing in the morning but Idt she is in.
I'm so disgusted with her, she can go. I'm done with her, the woman I knew is dead and gone and I deserve much better. However, I'm worried sick about the situation wth my kids. I know she is going to try to get primary custody and take off, deep in my gut I have a strong feeling that is what she is going to try to do and I'm gong nuts. My meeting with my lawyer can't come soon enough I feel like a nervous wreck. I really don't know what to do about this weekend, this is so insane.
Oh that is all very stressful. I am wondering if there is some clause that can be written that neither of you can legally move the children x miles from the other person's house?
Also, I hate to say this but if the kids have passports you probably want to see what can be done about that given that you are worried about flight risk.
Given that she is hinting at "concerns" it's best to be ready to prove your own concerns, factually.
Crossing my fingers that your lawyer can assist in these matters.
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
first of all, step back and breathe. you cannot help the kids in this state. take a few minutes to shake off your wife's crazy that she's kindly shared with you. once you are a bit more composed, write down the custody arrangement you want. do whatever you can to document what has happened to date - dates and times your wife wasn't around, put that in your back pocket.
Now, I'm going to ask you something and i want you to seriously think about this before answering.
what is best for your children? Not what w wants, not what you want. what is the absolute best scenario in this mess for the kids. you know them best. is it to be in one place with one parent? is it to split time? could you be primary? is that in their best ultimate interests.
i'm going to be blunt here: she pulled the string and you reacted like crazy. for your kids for yourself you must find a way not to react to her insanity. i urge you to make this a primary goal to the best of your ability.
i know it takes practice and time, believe me i know. just make it a priority so you can get thru this with one parent truly putting the kids first, otherwise you are putting yourself at the mercy of a person who isn't in their right mind at the moment.
does this make sense to you?
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
Ha who, I hope there is something that makes it do she can't move off. This is definitely something I need to speak with my attorney about. W and kids don't have passports so I don't need to worry about that. My concern is she will move to the town where om lives since she brought it up before.
Bttryfly, I definitely was a puppet yesterday. She got me emotional and I reacted instead of responding. I swear she can act sane to other people and makes me out to look like the crazy one. I'm sure she's getting coached.
I've been keeping record of her weekend outings for awhile now. I really think she doesn't even realize what she's done the way she acts.
I really want the kids to have their mother and I think they need us both, we were such a close family it breaks my heart it has come to this.
Definitely learn all you can from the lawyer. I was curious and read up on whether one parent can relocate the kids.
Seems that if there is a "custodial parent" he/she has the right to petition the court for relocation privelages. This may be why she is suddenly voicing her "concerns" about you. Maybe she is laying the foundation for custodial custody? Seems if one parent does not have custodial custody, it is much more difficult for one parent to petition the court to relocate the kids. Of course you don't want her having custodial custody for various other reasons anyway.
This may all vary by state but still, best to try to think several steps ahead of her.
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
I wasn't finished but had to post before my ipad died.
W sent me an email about how unfair our schedule she chose is. She also accused me of a lot of stuff making her out to be a victim, telling me about how she had to carry them and give birth (not to downplay that but it wasn't really an option for me), called me threatening (only instance was when I found out about OM for the first time and I told her he better up his insurance (they sell it) because I was going to pound his face). I used to literally hear things like "you're the most laid Back person I know", etc. in fact at the beginning of a this when I was in the pleading stage believing it was all me she said "I wish you would just get mad." I didn't respond to her email.
She sent a forward from her attorney about how our state won't split custody 50/50 because it is too stressful for the kids and it states the normal procedure is I would get them every other weekend and every other week in the summer. What a joke, but I looked into it and it seems like it might be somewhat right but just seems really unfair. I will take it to my attorney and hopefully she will have more positive news for me. Now I have a huge problem because I have to travel for my work. This is a bad time for my profession and I can't just switch jobs. I've been watching for something but there isn't a lot out there right now. W knows this too.
I'm going to try to talk to her as little as possible and stop reacting to her. you're right bttrfly, she's been pulling my strings through all this.
