My husband and I have been together for 18 years, married for 17. We always had a passionate relationship, had to overcome many problems and sacrifice a lot to be together but loved each other very much. So much that it never crossed my mind that love might not be enough, and that we need to put work in it. We had communication problems which I took as a given and I always gave him space to do his own thing, while I was busy with the kids. Imagine my horror when a few weeks after Christmas he became distant and we stopped sleeping together. Initially here was no reason or explanation, he was just busy, early starts at work, gym etc. Then he lied about a trip, I still don't have all the details but at best case scenario he needed some time off, worst case scenario he is having an affair. As affairs go, it might have been an EA but who knows? After asking him for information I got the usual response, he was unhappy, our relationship sucked, we had kids too young, I was messy, we had no social life, We didn't have the lifestyle he wanted, he lost respect for me, etc etc etc. Things the hurt me, even though he says he doesn't want to hurt me. He is unhappy with his work and life, I genuinely think he is going through a sever MLC.
At first I was defensive, accepting responsibility for the relationship problems but absolutely devastated about the way he handled it. We discussed separation, which I didn't agree with because if we wanted time to think, he should have asked for that earlier, not after he got caught lying. Also he accuses me always wanting to be in charge, and being controlling. I'm not sure about that, I felt like he was actually the controlling one (especially the last few years). He has lied so much and manipulated me so badly that I often felt that if it wasn't for the kids I'd be out of here.
WE agreed that we are trying to make it work, we are committed to reconciliation. I'm working on the things that bothered him, and he is being really nice to me and the kids. BUT we are still not sleeping together (because apparently we relied on intimacy in the past, so he wanted our relationship to be different now). Furthermore, I now have issues trusting and respecting him. I'm not sure what he is doing to change things, and I worry that I will never be happy again. I see us stuck in this marriage that has turned into a friendship and I'm mortified at the prospect of never feeling loved again.
Thank you for listening, it feels good to talk openly about how I really feel.
"There's nothing sadder than a conman conning himself"
“There is freedom waiting for you, On the breezes of the sky, And you ask "What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, What if you fly?”
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Sending you lots of hugs! At least he's willing to work on it, that's a good start. Don't be too hard on yourself and don't expect too much. Try not to push relationship talks (I did this early on and think it pushed H further away). It's difficult not to be desperate because that's how you feel. My H was hellbent on leaving rather than trying to work it out. He's in a PA with a much younger girl (16 years his junior and 6 years older than our D). When he recently came over to talk one of the things he mentioned was having seen how strong, brave, dignified and forgiving I'd be he remembers the real me. Initially I admit I was pathetic and needy, that's not attractive although a perfectly natural reaction.
Try and get some of your own interests whilst you work together still, this will help you realise what you're capable of yourself and that you can be happy doing things for you. Hopefully he'll also see that confidence in you and it will spur him on to want to make things worse.
Don't push the questions re the EA, they will try and hide it and also get protective, try and put that to the back of your mind, that's his problem and not yours.
Lastly, something my therapist told me was that I was looking too far ahead. Whilst you have to have a certain amount of planning for every eventuality try and focus on the present more, deal with what's infront of you now rather than what will be in 6/12 months time.
Take care
Me: 38 H: 40 (39 @ BD) BD: August 2015 T: 22 years M: 15 years D: 18 years (17 @ BD)
You have found a great place full of great people.Keep posting and others will come to offer advice and support.
There is a lot to read in the homework links above. Take the time to do so.
If it is an affair this will be a long hard road. If it is mlc it could be much longer. I say this not to discourage you but so you know it will take time. That time can be a living hell. To prevent that the best thing to do is change your focus onto your actions and goals. Work on you. Read the links and that should become clearer.
Best wishes
R 25 years M 14 years S11 & S13 Working on it alone since Oct 2014 M in trouble a lot earlier (~2 years) Feb 2016. 1st R chat in a yr. Next R chat Aug'17 Still together
Thank you so much for the replies. I ordered the books today, cannot wait for them to arrive.
I have been reading a lot around the forum, I'm amazed at how many people go through similar issues. Relationships ere so simple in my books, and now I discover this minefield! I am so pleased that I found this forum and this mentality. My priority is to save my marriage, and it is easy to get distracted with investigating the EA and worrying about the lies.
I still struggle with the "having no expectations" part, I'm still grieving for my relationship the way (I thought) it was a few months ago. I'm so worried about the future that it is a little hard to concentrate on the now.
Again, thanks for the support!
"There's nothing sadder than a conman conning himself"
“There is freedom waiting for you, On the breezes of the sky, And you ask "What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, What if you fly?”
Don't push the questions re the EA, they will try and hide it and also get protective, try and put that to the back of your mind, that's his problem and not yours.
Thank you so much for this. I never though the EA as his problem, what a different perspective! I agree with you though, it is his problem (if it even exists) it should not be worrying me.
"There's nothing sadder than a conman conning himself"
“There is freedom waiting for you, On the breezes of the sky, And you ask "What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, What if you fly?”
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
Thank you for this Cadet!
I wish our SOs saw the books and information from here as relationship savers rather than feeling manipulated and threatened. I will keep the books to myself though, things seem to be looking up a little, I don't want to jeopardise our progress in any way.
"There's nothing sadder than a conman conning himself"
“There is freedom waiting for you, On the breezes of the sky, And you ask "What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, What if you fly?”
So much information to take in! I'm trying to be patient and give us time, but it is so hard.
I loved the "He must be teething" article (http://www.divorcebusting.com/a_he_must_be_teething.htm) it put a smile on my face. Well, I'll reclassify his MLC as teething, and be more understanding. Being more forgiving towards him allowed me to speak to a friend about the issues we are having. It felt so good reaching out to someone that knew us from day one, someone that could help me remember who I am, and ground me a little.
My friend also told me that another (really close) friend of ours had marital problems, but that they are over, just living as flatmates for the sake of the kids. That upset me, I wish I knew, I wish I could help.
Husband has been more affectionate, but I find myself a little distant, Why am I feeling scared of getting closer to him when it is all I want to do? I think insecurities are creeping in, I know I need to tackle them but I dont want to get my hopes up and then be crushed so soon for the second time.
Another positive (on my part) is that since reading around this forum and Michelle's work I didn't feel the "if it wasn't for the kids I would have walked out" at all. It was at least a weekly thing before, so huge progress I think!
"There's nothing sadder than a conman conning himself"
“There is freedom waiting for you, On the breezes of the sky, And you ask "What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, What if you fly?”
I was hoping my books would be delivered today, but they were not. Now I have to wait until Monday. I'm really worried that I'm not doing things as well as I could, it is such a struggle isn't it?
I felt like things were getting on a little better, he hugs me more and he is more affectionate, but we had a chat that almost got tense. It was a "safe" topic, maybe I'm reading too much into it. Maybe I'm reading too much into everything, I just worry though.
I've been talking with friends more, generally GAL. I'm hoping to finish the big spring clean / tidying up this weekend so then I can concentrate on my university work and everything else that I had to neglect over the last couple of months.
I really hope the books come on Monday
"There's nothing sadder than a conman conning himself"
“There is freedom waiting for you, On the breezes of the sky, And you ask "What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, What if you fly?”
