I received a message from my W last night. As it was my final night in the house, I think she felt sentimental about me leaving. I had been scarce with my communication all day but this upset me. Please read and give me your thoughts.
"Perhaps I shouldn't say this. But I feel sad. Really sad that you are spending your last night in our home. Your last night, and your family is not even there. I feel sad that we moved into that house with Erica as a baby. With hopes of having a happy family there, and feeling good about our futures. That house should have been everything we needed. Somewhere to call home. But for whatever reason it wasn't enough to keep up together. Anyway, that chapter is closing, and the end of an era is always sad, and naturally we both feel a massive sense of loss. But also a new chapter is new beginning. The one with a potential friendship, if we can find it in our hearts to always be kind to one another. The one that gives you the strength to be the best father those girls could ask for. For fulfilling their dreams of what a man is ... he should be a prince. And always a prince. A new career, a challenge to work towards. Something to help you prove to yourself that you have a purpose, you are relevant and useful in this big world. And for me, my heart will finally be free. I will not be harboring my doubts and worries about 'us' I will be living for me. And the children. Free and happy. Maybe you will like that person when you see her again. So... sleep well in our home tonight, confident in the knowledge that the next chapter could be ten times better, with a different outlook and a bit of focus. Night.... babe."
Since this happened, I couldn't keep my distance from the kids...I asked to see them as I felt depressed at leaving my home. My W met me at our house and was happy to see me. She gave me a bug hug, but then started crying. She said that although the last two years have been difficult...being with me is all she knows. She invited me over for the evening and we played with the kids together.She now wants us all to go out for the day as a family and wants me involved with her and the girls. She still wants to proceed with divorce, but there seems to have been a shift in her thinking. I don't want to say the wrong things here but what can I take from this? Is she just scared of a future alone or is she doubting her decision?
I gotta keep breathing. Because tomorrow the sun will rise. Who knows what the tide could bring?
It's been a strange week. I started my new high powered management job and have had little time to think about the M. I have been seeing the kids and my W regularly and I took my W to her hospital appointment and we have been going on day trips as a family.
My W tells me on one hand that when I find a better place to live, I won't be able to visit as often yet she then tells me that things are better when we see each other in small bursts like me being the sun going down and her the moon being allowed to breathe. She likes the way I am happier in my job and how I am with the kids. She says she doesn't want a 'romance' and just wants to be friends.
I don't get it. I feel like I am in limbo. She likes me around when it suits her. She needs me but pushes me away. She has cleared the house if all my stuff and put it in the attic. We are taking the kids to a farm today as a family.
If this was a normal relationship, there would be intimacy but that is what makes this all weird. Although we rarely had sex, I now miss it and want it in the relationship. I don't just want to be a convenient friend who doesn't want to let down his family.
Is this a normal grown up co parenting relationship?
I gotta keep breathing. Because tomorrow the sun will rise. Who knows what the tide could bring?
This is so hard Excile. I know the pain you are feeling in your heart. I'm sensing that you are not detached. You have to find a way to get there. It [censored]. It hurts. But you are going to have to get there so that you can take care of yourself. You are in limbo and that is no place to be. You are trying to mind read a little too. I do sense that your W is conflicted. Just because it feels like things are over, doesn't mean that they actually are. You've still got to DB, detach, 180 and GAL. That is what will give you a shot at your M. Dont let her cake eat. It sounds like that is what she is doing. You don't have to do things as a family in order to properly take care of your kids. If she's pushed you out, you are not a family anymore. You can be kind to her and be a good father to your kids but that doesn't mean you have to "play" family when you are not. Unless you want to. You can certainly decide that you want to be friends going forward. But if you allow that, I think that decreases your chances of reconciling. She needs to miss you. She needs to know what she has lost. Be an awesome man and show her what she is missing out on.
Me: 48 y/o W: 47 y/o Together: > 20 yrs BD: Dec '15, then S 2nd BD: Mar '16, then I filed for D April '16: started piecing
My W tells me on one hand that when I find a better place to live, I won't be able to visit as often yet she then tells me that things are better when we see each other in small bursts like me being the sun going down and her the moon being allowed to breathe. She likes the way I am happier in my job and how I am with the kids. She says she doesn't want a 'romance' and just wants to be friends.
I don't get it. I feel like I am in limbo. She likes me around when it suits her. She needs me but pushes me away. She has cleared the house if all my stuff and put it in the attic. We are taking the kids to a farm today as a family.
What's not to get?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
This forum really needs a LIKE button somewhere :-)
My BD from my WW happened just over a month ago. I took down the wedding photos and the ones of us on the fridge together. It felt good... I felt that I had control. She said it was being petty. I'm starting to let her go with my head and my heart will just have to play catch up.
You have got to detach Exile101; you are clinging on. My WW also just wants us to be friends when all of this is done. But friends don't break other friends hearts. I would hate to have a group of friends like that in my life.
Be strong, be you!
Just cos things are going right, doesn't mean that they were always wrong.
I know. This is no way to live. Last night she told me that I am much hppier as a person and am great with the kids. She feels that she has done me a favor by leaving me because it has made me that person I am today! She feels that things are much better now and it's the way forward for us...so much for 180..it's back firing on me. Tonight, after another good day out as a family, she said that she feels suffocated and I am around too much, even though she seemed happy enough for me to see the kids and take her to her hospital appointment. She wants me to take our D4 out tomorrow morning as she has to work. I will because I love being with her but then will no doubt tell me that I need to stay away for a few days.
I feel like crap. My new job is great, I feel in control and enjoy the company of my team...and then go home to all this. I just want to get on with her but she seems to play games and doesn't know what she really wants.
Should I just stay away from her for a while? I don't know how to detach as I have to see her in order to see the kids. How should I approach this?
I gotta keep breathing. Because tomorrow the sun will rise. Who knows what the tide could bring?
I say make a fixed schedule for the kids and adhere to it. Stay away from her as much as possible, nothing good can come out of interacting with her ATM. You are still listening to her WAAAAY too much. Reread Sandi's rules, they work.
Definitely stay away from her. The advice VAPO has given is right on. Detach, it is the only way. Stick to Sandi's rules!
H-46 XW-38 T-7 M-6 S-9,8,8,6,4 S 11/30/15, I filed 12/8/15 EA 2/1/16 D dismissed 3/24/16 PA 3/18/16 confirmed 4/22/16 XW files for D 4/1/16 - D final 11/17/16 Finally moving forward...
