Today I gave my WW divorce papers. I’ve been DB’ing since December. Two days before I discovered the A to be exact. A D is the last thing on earth that I want. I still love my W and wish she would come out of the fog. But two weeks ago, I discovered that the A was still going on while we were supposed to be “working on ourselves.” I know a lot of people here can wait it out. I see people waiting 2 years. For me, I just couldn't stay in that emotional limbo land. It was too hard for me. So in my particular situation, this is what I needed to do. This is the ultimate detachment and rope dropping for me. I’m ready to move on with my life with or without her. I’m a much better person than I was just a few months ago. I’m proud of the man I’m becoming. Too bad she couldn't see that. Its her loss.
The conversation this afternoon was brief. Less than 5 minutes. Her only question to me was how I knew and of course I’m not willing to divulge that. I’m still praying that there is hope for our M but I’m fully prepared to move on if not.
Me: 48 y/o W: 47 y/o Together: > 20 yrs BD: Dec '15, then S 2nd BD: Mar '16, then I filed for D April '16: started piecing
You took a big step forward. One that I have been teetering towards myself. Being in limbo is the worst feeling and there comes a point where YOU decide that enough is enough - the sheer exhaustion of the balancing act is overwhelming.
Sometimes it takes making a move that will shock the WAS to bring them out of the fog. You have let her know that you want the M to work, but it won't if there are 3 people in it.
Please keep posting. Detach, go dark, and see if this causes her to come to her senses and see what she is giving up now that you will no longer be waiting in the wings.
Hugs.
Me:33 H:34 T: 3yrs M: 2yrs H depression triggered and we are "unhealthy": 7/15 H wants to "make it work" 12/28 BD: 3/10/16
I have access to my W's FB page (thats how I discovered that the A was still going on). After I left her place this afternoon, she messaged the OM and told him that I gave her divorce papers. She said she was sad and that she didn't expect it but on the other hand was glad because she knew what the road ahead looked like. What she DIDN'T tell him was the I KNOW the A is still going on. She completely skipped over that part which was the entire reason I filed for D. She's so selfish and thinking about her own needs/wants that she isn't even willing to protect the OM. I figured she would for sure tell him and that he would withdraw from her out of fear of me exposing the A to his W. But she didn't tell him so that she could keep on getting her own sick needs met. The bad news is that I don't see her coming out of the fog. The A will eventually break down and she will be leading a very lonely life. The good news for me is that she is so intent on keeping the A secret and maintaining the A as long as possible that I will likely get everything I want in the D (primary custody, child support and not have to give up an equity in the company I founded). I would still rather have my W and MR back but its her choice at this point. She made this decision for us.
Me: 48 y/o W: 47 y/o Together: > 20 yrs BD: Dec '15, then S 2nd BD: Mar '16, then I filed for D April '16: started piecing
Today I gave my WW divorce papers. I’ve been DB’ing since December. Two days before I discovered the A to be exact. A D is the last thing on earth that I want. I still love my W and wish she would come out of the fog. But two weeks ago, I discovered that the A was still going on while we were supposed to be “working on ourselves.” I know a lot of people here can wait it out. I see people waiting 2 years. For me, I just couldn't stay in that emotional limbo land. It was too hard for me. So in my particular situation, this is what I needed to do. This is the ultimate detachment and rope dropping for me. I’m ready to move on with my life with or without her. I’m a much better person than I was just a few months ago. I’m proud of the man I’m becoming. Too bad she couldn't see that. Its her loss.
The conversation this afternoon was brief. Less than 5 minutes. Her only question to me was how I knew and of course I’m not willing to divulge that. I’m still praying that there is hope for our M but I’m fully prepared to move on if not.
You did the right thing and saved yourself a lot of heartache.
I have access to my W's FB page (thats how I discovered that the A was still going on). After I left her place this afternoon, she messaged the OM and told him that I gave her divorce papers. She said she was sad and that she didn't expect it but on the other hand was glad because she knew what the road ahead looked like. What she DIDN'T tell him was the I KNOW the A is still going on. She completely skipped over that part which was the entire reason I filed for D. She's so selfish and thinking about her own needs/wants that she isn't even willing to protect the OM. I figured she would for sure tell him and that he would withdraw from her out of fear of me exposing the A to his W. But she didn't tell him so that she could keep on getting her own sick needs met. The bad news is that I don't see her coming out of the fog. The A will eventually break down and she will be leading a very lonely life. The good news for me is that she is so intent on keeping the A secret and maintaining the A as long as possible that I will likely get everything I want in the D (primary custody, child support and not have to give up an equity in the company I founded). I would still rather have my W and MR back but its her choice at this point. She made this decision for us.
You still did the right thing. Exposure would have added to your chances. Expose and file for D. That's the ticket to switching the script and having her pursue you.
My wife wanted to work on things - but it turned out to be half-hearted. She white-knuckled herself through withdrawls for about a month, but really the infatuation with OM was just too much for her. She's a drifting vessel, and needed OM's love potion #9 to feel good about herself.
I re-started the D that was put on hold, for obvious reasons - with no work on the R, and her cold vindictive side coming out in force, I realized there was only one way to see if she could come back, and that was to start the D up again. It didn't stop the affair, so I'm headed on the D train. I keep up with my addictions class, got a promotion, and lost some weight. Gotta get back on the treadmill and hit my goal weight and get a 5k in me before July.
I would want nothing more than to have my wife back, and our marriage in one piece. It would take a lot of effort on her part to make that happen, and I don't know where I'll be after the dust clears... but I know I'll be in a better place, and I hope to find love again - with my current wife, or with another woman.
Keep up the good fight!
M46, EXWW46 M15 T17 D20, S19, D13 M - Addiction since 1998 W EA/PA #1 2013/2014 W EA #2 June 2015... BD 1 Big D talk 9/15 BD 2 - EA/PA disc 10/30/15 Served D 1/22/16 Divorced 5/25/16 (yes, that fast!)
You still did the right thing. Exposure would have added to your chances. Expose and file for D. That's the ticket to switching the script and having her pursue you.
Full exposure may have helped; especially if I had done it early on. But hindsight is always 20/20. I can only play the hand I have now. Right now, its clear to me that there is nothing more important to her than being able to maintain this relationship. I stand no chance so long as that is where her head is at so I need to move on. I don't see how it can last. They are sloppy. All his W has to do is pick up his phone and have a look at FB messenger and all will be exposed. Eventually, she'll get suspicious just like I didn't and go looking. But by then, I'll be long gone and my STBXW will be stuck alone with nothing more than her thoughts to keep her company. Its sad really. If she would have just been willing to put the effort into OUR relationship that she put into the A, we could be in a great place right now. But that's not the decision she made.
So long as her main concern is keeping the A alive, the D process will be easy and I won't have to fight to get what I want/need in the process. I feel for OM's W but I know it will eventually come out one way or another.
Me: 48 y/o W: 47 y/o Together: > 20 yrs BD: Dec '15, then S 2nd BD: Mar '16, then I filed for D April '16: started piecing
Maybe she didn't tell OM about you knowing about the A because she can use that to control OM. OM would most likely not what you or W to expose it. W now has some leverage on OM.
You did good.
Me:49 W:45 M:19 T:22 EA confirmed and ended 8/2014 S:19,17 D:9,5
My W is not even with the guy she had the affair with. She is dating another lol. I did the same thing as you Lim. I filed too. Only difference is my W wants to D also. I'm just not gonna sit around while either, and wait on her. Good luck to you brother, and hopefully since your W never mentioned a D maybe she will snap out of it.
