Thank you, I appreciate it. I hope you (and everyone else here) had a great Easter.
It was an alright Easter for us. I had a few hard moments but the kids had a great time. We went to the movies since it was a little cold and messy from the snow last week. We had Easter pizza, I feel really bad but I was too tired to cook. I've been exhausted since last week.
I ended up telling my parents Friday night, they were upset but knew something has been up. They came over Saturday for most of the day. My dad helped me move the kids into the bedroom next to mine. Plus the Easter Bunny needed to go shopping, so that worked out good. They both apologized for things being not so great a lot of the time growing up, etc. Even though I've already dealt with this and forgave them a long time ago it was nice to hear.
I'm doing okay for the most part but random things pop up and get me upset. The kids seem to be okay but I know it is bothering them inside. I guess the plus side to her running around is they've gotten used to her not being at home. I try to talk but not pry and ask them how they feel and let them know I love them. S got visibly upset a few times this weekend and asked about mom once. I saw him staring at a family picture once too. D seems to not understand what is happening as much but I know it bothers her. She didn't want to go to school this morning. One of the dogs was waiting for her by the door for a couple days too.
I'm supposed to meet with w tomorrow after work to discuss finances and close/change accounts, etc. I'm putting a small list of things together. I also left a message for my lawyer today.
My first week alone was alright but I sure missed having the kids. I hated the empty feeling in the house but there was also a calmness that I haven't felt in a long time. No walking on eggshells or wondering "who" was going to emerge from the basement.
I was excited to get them Friday afternoon, especially so because it was my bday. They took me out to eat that night and got me a game we played this weekend. I would have liked a nice restaurant but they were worn out from the week and in no shape to sit down for a nice meal. They went to bed early and were asleep almost instantly. I think w has been putting them to bed late.
W didn't tell me happy bday, idk if she couldn't or wouldn't. She texted late that night and said "I'm sure the kids are already in bed can I call them tomorrow?"I told her she could always call the kids anytime she wants. She then said "I hope you had a good bday with them." I just said thanks.
Saturday we went to the museum, I didn't know it was family day but we ended up doing the kids' activities and then went through. The kids had a great time and were excited to call w and tell her about it when we got home. Sunday was nicer and the snow melted off so I set up the kids' trampoline. W didn't want it up since we moved and the kids have been asking about it lately. Last night she texted to see if it was a good time to call. I sent her a few pictures of d with a school project we had been working on. She sent a text back about how she was going to do it with her this week but was glad we worked on it together.
W didn't meet with me last week. Canceled the first night, then said she was behind because of the snow and school getting canceled for the other nights I proposed. I texted her again this morning, a few hours later she said she could email it but could meet. I asked her to meet with me tomorrow evening, she is really trying to avoid it. There are a few other things I wanted to talk about, mostly financial. Idt she's even thought about taxes lately, she thinks we will get a refund which I'm sure is not going to be the case. I also want her to know our custody situation is not set in stone. I would also like to tell her I don't want the kids to have any contact with OM but IDT she would at this point and I'm thinking I should bring OM as little as possible from what I've read. I'm not sure what to do about this one. I also don't want her to feel bombarded or she will likely turn monster.
Right now I'm just trying to let her be and hoping her fantasy will end and she will wake up. I think not having her around will help me concentrate more on myself and kids and less on her.
So the one thing that pops out at me is the entire OM/Kids thing. Been there done that .... here is the deal with all this. in your MLCr YOU are the roadblock between her and the euphoric happiness she is hell bent on achieving, with this in mind you bringing up how you forbid any contact of OM with your kids will simply come across as controlling and you trying to stamp out her happiness. She will most likely monster as you predict ... or maybe she wont ... we can never predict how a MLCr reacts but what I can tell you is you can not control what she does, who she does it with, where she does it, what time ... you catch my drift here? Its out of YOUR control so the only thing you achieve by saying "I am not comfortable with the kids being around OM" is showing your emotions/feelings ..... this will just be more ammo for her to put into her justification shotgun that she has been loading during her crisis.
She most likely knows you do not want OM around the kids without you saying a word ... so don't. Sure it stinks ... My W had OM and his kids over making Ginger-Bread houses like a new little family, stung like a bugger but there was nothing I could do about it. Me making a scene was not going to do a darn thing really.
One thing that is hard with this .. move the focus from her and what she is doing toward you and what you CAN be doing ... that's the only part you truly control, its the only part where you can get better and grow in all this ... she is on her own path and you are wasting time wanting to point out the potholes on her path ... pave your own road.
Thank you for your advice, it is much appreciated. Tomorrow I am going to stick to just our finances and keep it as short and stress free as possible. That is if she shows up.
I've been thinking about some short term goals tonight. A few thing to help me focus on myself and my kids.
My meeting with w was okay. She gave me all our account information, etc. and we agreed to wait until next month to split the car insurance. We also discussed the kids, how we would split time, about this summer etc. I kept thinking about responding vs reacting and thought things went well although it was tough, I felt so many emotions whirling. I saw w almost tear up once. She told me she went in and petted the dogs when she picked up the kids carseats out of the garage. I told her it was fine and she agreed to let the dogs in and out next week when I have to leave town. She told me she was taking the kids swimming tomorrow night and invited me to come watch. She also told me I would probably have papers coming in the mail. I told thanks for letting me know and I was sorry she felt that is what she needed.
This was more than she has talked to me in ages and I got to see how scrambled her brain is. There were several things I've talked about before that she had no clue about. I also asked her if she wanted me to donate the scrubs she left in the basement and she told me she was thinking about going to nursing school and she wanted them. She really doesn't know what she is doing right now.
Well, yesterday, just before 5, I got papers served to my office. Not surprised but it still hurts. I don't get her, i read through them and she went and got a lawyer (I was under the impression we were going for mediation and going to make this as pain free as possible) and in the paperwork it reads like she wants primary custody. My lawyer is out until the week after next, I feel like I'm going insane with this plus my boss with work the last couple days. My stomach is in knots and I can't concentrate.
I spoke to w last night and this morning about her intentions (why not mediation and custody) and she is either lying or an idiot, probably both. She told me she wasn't seeking primary custody and that she didn't know what her lawyer had sent. She said she didn't read anything she sent. I told her we could do mediation if she works with me on this. I also told her I wanted the kids every other week and that split custody is what we discussed and is fair. She asked how I would do that with traveling and I told her I would tell the company I could only travel every other week. We talked more about the kids and this summer, how we needed to work together for them, etc. and she asked me if I wanted them for a month this summer! She is nuts, she must have some sort of plans. I told her I would be glad to but I would never give them up for a month.
I'm afraid she might try to get primary custody and then move since she had her awesome idea a month or two ago. I saw her crazy @ sister do that! She took her d away from her ex (I've met smarter goldfish) and moved across the country. Her parents actually paid for her ex's attorney in that mess because she's so looney! W also barely spoke to her family until this happened and they shunned her sister and took w back in (she didn't have much to do with them before that). I didn't bring this up at all to her and I'm done talking to her about this. I'm trying not to concentrate on her and keep my mouth shut but this is so consuming.
Hi Kyh I'm a bit caught up on your most recent posts. I"m so sorry it's come to this. My best advice to you is listen to Cali, KML and Ha ... you're getting great advice there.
I will add this: the best advice my mediator gave me is know what Kyh wants. Be very very clear about what Kyh wants. The rest will fall into place. It might take you some time to figure that out, but really work on that.
The best advice my lawyer gave me is that this isn't a marriage. This is the dissolution of a business. Keep the emotion out of the business side of divorce. Do you know what I mean? Have the emotions when you are alone. Storm, vent, cry, be angry, be sad, whatever the emotions are, feel them when you are not in the room working on the divorce itself.
Figure out what you want. She is calling all the shots. Forget about that. Forget about what she wants. Think about what's best for your children, because your w isn't able to think cognitively right now. Think about what's best for you, so you can be the father you want to be and your children deserve as you go through this horrible time, and beyond.
Remember that what you agree to know sets a precedent. If you want 50/50, get it now. As hard as it is to believe, there will come a time when you will want to maybe have a Saturday night to yourself, even if it's just poker night with the guys. Think about what I'm saying here.
Begin as you mean to go on. Get very clear about your needs and the needs of your kids, keeping the kids first and at the center.
I hope this helps. Put on your seat belt, the ride's just beginning. You can do this. We are all here for you.
xoxoxo
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
Thank you for stopping by my thread. I hope you had a great trip! I will keep the dissolution of a business in mind throughout this. I won't take less split custody, that is what her and I have talked about but now she's doing something other than she said, again. I wish I could get into my lawyer sooner so I had a little insight but she's supposed to be good so I don't want to get anyone else.
Hi Kyh - just want to pop in and say I can believe your wife really didn't read any of the legal documents her lawyer sent to you. That would have taken a lot of focus and concentration, and from watching my MLCer, they just don't have the ability while in the deep fog. Her poor lawyer. I am sure he/she is awfully confused. I can't imagine having to represent a MLCer. Their thought process is all over the place and bizarre to boot.
Bttrfly has given you a lot of really good advice going into your meeting with the lawyer.
Take care of yourself.
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
Ugh, I'm sorry I have to apologize in advance for the rant. I have to get this toxicity out besides jumping up and down (out of kid's sight) like rumpelstilkskin.
I've been having a great weekend, really enjoying my time with the kids, we did a 5-6 mile bike ride and played all day, then late I get a text from w asking if the kids were still awake and that she couldn't charge her phoNe for awhile and didn't know if we called. I told her we were having a Nintendo night (my kids don't know video games were made after the 80s) and I'd call in a bit. She didn't answer then called back when the kids were leaving a vm. I answered it and put it on speaker for the kids and I could hear another man in the background& she sounded all happy. Disgusting! What happened to the woman I knew with such a great head and real integrity? A w I was soproud to have! She was probably driving the 5 hours to the middle of nowhere where om lives without a charger in our car she commondeered. I know that's where she went Easter weekend. I told her then if she thought i believed she was going to step in laws as she told me she was an idiot. I'm not stupid, I know what's happening but to hear it again (I'm 99% sure I caught her having phone sex the week she left, and I got yelled at for it!) makes me want to puke. I feel like I'm going crazy, but it's all there in front of me, I'd be stupid not to see it. I could almost feel my brain short circuiting. Then the kids are asking why I look sad and I had to lie and get it together. This is so upsetting. Crazy thoughts, she's not even on birth control! I want to tell her to catch the next boat to f-off land but know I need to keep it together and stay on the high road. Ugh......breathe...rant off. Sorry.
Had fun with the kids today though. The kids told me I was too old to do a flip on the trampoline but I got it on my first try, then they wanted me to do it on the ground lol. Our bike ride was nice too, got the pup good and worn out. Later I accidentally cut my finger good but made the best of it and got out the microscope for a science lesson.
I can't wait for it to get warmer and snow to melt so we can get up into the mountains to hike. I feel so at peace in nature.
Texted with a coworker for a bit today who checked up on me. I had to ride with him the week w moved out. Seems as he went through this too but his xw completely disappeared for almost 2 months leaving him with their kids. He gave me a lot of the same advice I've gotten, very similar but yet different situations.
I texted sil (the one that lived with us prior to bd) happy bday. Between that and my mil texting me happy bday last week idt w has told them anything about what is going on. I wouldn't be surprised, during one of her rants she said how upset they'd be because they love me. I wouldn't be surprised if she didn't say anything until D was done with. I feel bad they might not know but don't think I should say anything.
Sorry again for the ranting post but I do feel better typing it out. Idk where I'd be if I wouldn't have found this forum. Take care everyone, hope you all have a good weekend!
