Pink, Sending congratulations to your son on his graduation. I'm also sorry to read that you had to make a trip to the ER w/your S18. I do hope he's feeling better soon. It was nice that your XH came and was supportive to both you and your son.
I sense that you are struggling as to what to do or not do w/the situation w/your XH. Maybe you are thinking too hard about the situation at this time and you need to just step back a little and allow nature to take its course. Instead of over thinking the situation, if you are comfortable w/the XH being around once in a while, then enjoy his company, i.e., just like a neighbor coming to visit, and when it's time to go home or have appointments, excuse yourself and go on about your business. Think about how it was for you and your XH in the beginning. You met, talked and became friends and then did some things together and slowly, but surely, began to spend more and more time together. For now, leave the expectations at zero and try to enjoy his company. If he gets a little bit too forward, call him on it and just be honest and tell him that you are uncomfortable w/getting "too" friendly at this time.
If you want to cut all ties and treat him truly as the "XH", then you'll need to nip all of those advances/nice things he does or says in the bud by stating firmly what your boundaries are when it comes to spending time w/you.
Pink, you are the only one that can decide do you want to start out as friends and leave your situation at that stage for a while or do you want to end it and just be civil? You've got plenty of time to decide how you want your relationship w/your XH to be...don't rush the process just because you are frustrated and/or discouraged. Whatever you decide to do, I will be here to support you.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Pink: "One time during the party he asked me to add some more food to one of my main dish and as I was doing it he said: "Pink, I still love you so much, you have no idea". Then I said: "No I have no idea and I do not want to think about it either. Stop with the BS because you left me and I do not want to talk about." He asked me do not do this to him, that it was not fair with him, and I looked at him and said that it is what it is XH, you wanted it, now you have it." NYGal: Pink, we need to talk. Did you see the email from MWD today about being kind? Are you really that angry at XH still, or do you still want him back? I'm sorry, but you catch more flies with honey, honey!
From MWD: Hi,
Sometimes, when your marriage is on the rocks, you start to wonder how relationship goals that require two people's active participation apply to you.
That's why I decided to write 10 Marriage Saving Strategies You Can Do Alone! for those people who don't have the luxury of their partner's support.
Here are ten goals that you can accomplish yourself!
1. Envision positive outcomes
There is no way that you can begin to accomplish positive change in your marriage if you don't believe it is possible.
Start by imagining what your life will be like when your marriage truly turns a corner.
The more you can picture every detail, the easier it will be to eventually step into this picture at some later date.
2. Act as if you expect positive outcomes
Once you can imagine positive outcomes, reflect on how you will be behaving differently when they happen. Then start doing that right now!
3. Be kind, even if you think your spouse doesn't deserve it
You may be angry, disappointed, or even devastated by your spouse's choices and actions. However, rather than react to unsettling behavior, assume your spouse is lost and confused.
Be patient, kind and steady and your efforts will pay off.
4. Focus on small, positive changes
Don't expect big changes overnight or you will be disappointed and it will make it hard to stay on track.
Imagine the smallest change possible that would signal a shift in how things have been going.
Then focus on that.
5. Promise yourself that you will have a great future, no matter what
You can not control what your spouse does, but you can control what you decide to do with yourself and your children, if you have them.
Take a deep breath and envision how you are going to create a great future, regardless of your spouse's choices.
6. Exercise your worry away
I live in Boulder and the people here take this to heart!
Take a walk, get some exercise to become more fit.
Exercise can be a lifesaver. It helps to assuage worries, feel good about yourself and increase feel-good hormones like endorphins.
Go for it!
7. Do one new thing you enjoy
Don't become stale just because you are having a shaky time in your marriage. Novelty will stimulate your brain and maybe even your heart and help you have a more positive outlook about the future.
8. Make sure you have quality time with your children or other loved ones. Be present.
Many times, when people are teetering on the brink of divorce, their pain makes them become self-absorbed and staying in the moment becomes a challenging task.
You will never be able to do your children's childhood again, so do your best to be with them mentally when you're with them.
9. If you get off track, get back on quickly without self-blame
What separates the winners from the losers is not whether or how many times you get off track, it's how rapidly you get back on track.
If you've veered from the Divorce Busting® plan, hop right back on track without self-recrimination.
10. Do activities that help you rediscover serenity
Meditate, pray, hike in the mountains or watch a sky full of shooting stars.
On a regular basis, do whatever it takes to bring you back to yourself.
You and everyone around will benefit from your peacefulness.
All my best,
Michele I'm certainly no expert in MLC, and you may know best. Just my two cents worth.
11/4/15 W revealed EA/2 months later became PA with co-worker Reconciling since late April 2016 Don't give up until it's time, then move on Be patient, strong and kind but never a doormat
p.s. the last sentence above was me, not Michelle. She is an expert in MLC!
11/4/15 W revealed EA/2 months later became PA with co-worker Reconciling since late April 2016 Don't give up until it's time, then move on Be patient, strong and kind but never a doormat
NYGal, I was just lurking and had to say, that was a great thing to share. Very hopeful and helpful to those on every board. Thank you.
And Pink, you have been doing so well and fighting so hard for your marriage. Your H at least is able to tell you he loves you, even if he is still lost and confused in his MLC mind. That has got to be emotionally draining. But NYGal's post is spot on. We all need that reminder at times.
M-51 H-54 2D-27 and 25 M-26 yrs Bombshell and IHS 7-29-15 He moved out 10-3-15 D filed 1-27-16 D final 10-27-16
Pink I'm just catching up with your posts. Congratulations on your son's graduation and academic achievements! I'm sorry to hear he had to go to the hospital, and I really hope he is doing better now!
Originally Posted By: Pink17
What is awkward for me is that XH is full of attentions and always put his hands on me. Like on my arm, my shoulders. If I say he is doing this with intention of being close to me, I can also understand that he is just trying to be kind and supportive to the situation at the moment.
If I say that he is supportive, then it could be that I am missing it because he is doing this even when there is no emergency or problem around.
The problem for me is that I do not know what to do. If I ask him to stay away from me, then I will lie, be immature and ignorant. If I don't, then it is letting him to be close to me, what in some ways is not good for me.
Yesterday was easy to just walk away and ignore what he does, but sometimes it is very obvious what is going on. So, I am not sure if I walk away or do the same for him, since it is one of his complaining, that I was not caring enough.
The situation you describe regarding being uncomfortable with XH being full of attentions touched a cord with me. I am at a far earlier stage (DB 5 months ago, H committed to our relationship and we are supposed to be trying to work thing out) but I feel the same way. when he touches me it is nice in a way, but then it is also terrible because I don't know why he is doing it. I understand why you are struggling with it, and even though I have no words of wisdom for you I wanted to let you know that maybe it is normal to feel that way. I'm in no way handling it well, so maybe your more patient approach is better.
Pink it sounds like you are doing really well, and that you are in fact benefiting from loving and discovering yourself. Thank you for your beautiful posts.
"There's nothing sadder than a conman conning himself"
“There is freedom waiting for you, On the breezes of the sky, And you ask "What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, What if you fly?”
Hello all, just an update on how things are going.
S18 is doing fine. I think the doctor diagnose well and it seems that because his bleeding disorder, his blood pressure and his heart beat went down too fast and too low and he faint. The body moving like seizure was explained that he had syncope what is quite the same but for different reasons. So, no more scare and things seems to be good now.
S21 is getting better every day and the PTSD treatment is working good. His confidence is yet to be improved, but I guess it is one thing at a time and I am glad it has been positive. Four years of wrong diagnose and a year to detox from wrong medications took a tool on him.
S16 is absorbed in football and is excited to work out and get his body ready for the coming season. He is looking very handsome.
Besides all working in a positive way, I can see the struggle of having a father that is good, loving and is distant, disconnect all in the same time. Confusing... it is the least of the feelings, what they are living and feeling are wounds that will stay forever there. Shame on all this.
About me, this is another story. I have it all at once and yet need to be standing. It has been hard to be the captain, but I have been taking one day at a time. Measuring my patience, saying more loving words, hugging my kids very often. Caring for them in a loving way. Being understanding without criticism.
The road was long but I learned so much through pain. I let things go more easily then ever in my life. If the dishes are not done because I need to sit down and see some zombie movie with boys, so be it. No one will die because dirty dishes at the sink.
My perfectionism became peace, love, compassion. My criticism became encouragement, friendship and caring. I am a different person and it is now becoming my core.
I never tough it could be possible for someone so black and white, the lawyer spirit would become so flexible and care free.
But I have been doing a lot of soul searching on myself. My faith is a big part of my transformation, because as a believer, I decide to look inside myself and clean all the hypocrisy I have been caring for many years.
I never been a bad person, but I was fake. In many ways I believed to be doing the write things and yet I see now that I was just postponing to face my own flaws.
I decided to love with the meaning of love. Decided to let go on foolish titles, stupid values imposed from people that are not even among us anymore. I decided to have my own values, and live life the way I can and know better.
All my decisions and changes are not related to someone in my life. Maybe if and when it comes to that I will need to review those kind of feelings, but for now I am glad I can have my soul naked and still feel beauty on it.
There are so much I understand now, that I could not understand before. So, it still stands that the worst that happen to me is yet the best that happen to me. Odd, but true.
Regarding XH, he is still oblivious or at least try to pretend it. Some of our common friends have been saying to me that I need to be patient because he is still very lost and his financial situation do not seem to help much. A friend of mine that talked to him quite a bit during the grad party said that have ways to go until he start seeing himself as a person again.
She said that she picture him loving me to death in one minute and hating me with all his heart the next.
The way I see it, he keeps himself away from me and is coming around less and less. He treats me a just the mother of his kids and as he says a friend and ex wife.
I do not have much hope no more. He is moving to a farther away place, he is going to live with a guy from his work and this guy is also divorced and has his kids over every other weekend.
I think this will drive XH into another direction and will give him a little more room to explore his options with some more freedom. It hurts to think this way, but it is the truth and I need to accept it as it is.
He moved on, and I didn't. I wish I can manage to move myself on too. I don't know when I will be ready. I am just sure I am not ready to see XH with a girlfriend, but I need to think that it is a true possibility. And it still kills me inside on just thinking about.
Well, I have a lot to do in the next two months and need to get busy. Somehow I get busy and I can then deal with this horrible pain inside my heart.
Funny how I became a shopping mall with many different stores on it.
Thank you Sotto, Job, NGal, citizen, Esame and RD500. I have no idea were I would be without your support and loving words. It is what keeps me going.
What a beautiful post Pink, thank you for sharing your thoughts with us.
Originally Posted By: Pink17
My perfectionism became peace, love, compassion. My criticism became encouragement, friendship and caring. I am a different person and it is now becoming my core.
That's what people keep saying to me too, that working through personal issues now will mean that no matter what happens in the R, I will be a better person at the end, it sounds that is true for you.
Originally Posted By: Pink17
I never been a bad person, but I was fake. In many ways I believed to be doing the write things and yet I see now that I was just postponing to face my own flaws.
Aren't we all a little fake in our relationships? How honest are we really with our partners? Often we don't share feelings and worries so that we don't hurt the other person, but doesn't that make us fake?
As you said you thought you were doing the right things, your intentions were good. Don't be too hard on yourself, you will face your fears in your own time.
Originally Posted By: Pink17
He moved on, and I didn't. I wish I can manage to move myself on too.
But of course you will, it will just be in your own time. You cannot move on because it is the "right time" or because your H did, you will move on when you are ready to do so.
We are here for you, keep posting and keep working on yourself and your sons.
"There's nothing sadder than a conman conning himself"
“There is freedom waiting for you, On the breezes of the sky, And you ask "What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, What if you fly?”
