Need help please

[albac]

Thanks again Acc,

Everything is so hard to follow right now. I am definitely interacting better with W as if I'm happy and doing well.
I am just so confused on a course of action I still talk to my W frequently I never instigate contact but she contacts me most days and when we change over who has our daughter at either her house or mine we normally talk for 2 hours or so. Everything she says is long term as if she never plans to fix things I hide my feelings and pretend it doesn't hurt me as best as I can.

The hard part for me is I can't tell weather these friendly interactions we are having is us growing closer or me approaching the friend zone I just don't know weather to keep going on this track or drop back to only necessary interactions so she misses me.

I just don't know

[Accuray]

Yes it's really hard -- what's you're trying to achieve is extremely subtle. Your wife needs to understand and fully believe that her life, plans, and whatever she says don't impact you. Like Mike Damone said in "Fast Times at Ridgemont High":

"The attitude dictates that you don't care whether she comes, stays, lays, or prays. I mean whatever happens, your toes are still tappin'. Now when you got that, then you have the attitude."

So in that context, it doesn't matter if you talk for five minutes or five hours or what you talk about, because the non-verbal undercurrent of the conversation is that you don't *need* anything from her. If she's super happy, that's great. If she's super sad, that's too bad for her, you're still going to do your thing.

She loves you? Thanks for the compliment. She hates you and hopes you die? You hope she gets over it.

That doesn't mean that you're mean, or cold, or distant, you're just *unaffected*. When she *believes* you're unaffected, then she's free and also completely on her own. Only then can she decide to re-engage with you as equals, if you will still have her.

That's the path.

Acc

[albac]

Thanks so much Acc,

Your guidance really helps me. I have never felt this helpless in my life and I will never be the same person I was 2 months ago. He is gone and now I have to figure out who I am now.

I have a long tough road ahead.

[Cristy]

Hello Albac,

You are so right when you say you have a long road ahead.

Your wife might be putting you in the friend zone, but she could also be temperature checking you.

You are at a very fragile point in this relationship and it would be extremely helpful to know what your next move should be. Please call me to discuss our program at 303-444-7004.

Cristy
Resource Coordinator
The Divorce Busting Center
303-444-7004

[Accuray]

Your guidance really helps me. I have never felt this helpless in my life and I will never be the same person I was 2 months ago. He is gone and now I have to figure out who I am now.

First of all I will second Cristy's comment -- you really should sign up for DB coaching. You will feel much, much, much better after talking to one of the telephone coaches. I know the most common objection is "I can't afford it". To that I say "if you fell down and broke your arm and the bone was sticking out, would you not go to the hospital because you couldn't afford it?" Your psyche is broken -- how is that worth less than money?

In any case, regarding your comments above, those are absolutists statements and they are false. You may of course become the same person you were two months ago, and you may become someone better. There is no "never".

Here's a truth for you -- your wife wasn't perfect and neither were you. You were single and survived just fine before you met her, and you can easily survive after she leaves as well.

If you remove the veil of your current desperation, there were plenty of things she did that upset you or made you feel alone or left you with unmet needs.

We put a lot of value in the stability we feel in a marriage -- it's something we can rely upon, someone who is there for us and has our back. When they leave the relationship unexpectedly, it is so catastrophically upsetting.

The reality is that the feelings you're feeling have much more to do with feeling like you're out of control than anything to do with your wife.

You crave having stability back, and the reassurance that "if you do X you get Y". If you're nice to your wife, she will be nice back. If you buy her a gift, she will be appreciative, etc. The predictability of this is comforting.

When your wife leaves you keep trying to do X but you don't get Y, and that makes you feel completely out of control, which in turn makes you panic. Reality has shifted, and your problems can't be solved like a math problem. Suddenly you can't get what you want no matter how hard you try.

Time will heal this wound, you will once again feel like yourself, you will once again be happy, and you will once again feel in control, and hopefully will do so as a more evolved version of yourself.

When my wife left I put her on a pedestal and viewed getting her back as the only way I would ever be happy or whole again. As time passed I have seen this for what it was, a desperate attempt to regain lost control and comfort.

I've now been divorced for two years and I am much happier than I was when I was married. My relationship skills are better, my comfort with "who I am" is better, and I have a relationship with an amazing woman who I am much more compatible with than I was with my wife.

I still totally believe in marriage and DB, and I think you should do all you can to save your marriage, so that you can live with no regrets, but divorce is completely and entirely survivable, happiness awaits and there are many many fish in the sea, and that's a fact.

Acc

[albac]

Thanks Acc,

Money for DB coaching is not an issue for me. To me getting my W and my life back has my total focus and I would do anything to have it. Don't get me wrong this not me being desperate and needing her back to feel better.

This is me wanting her back and wanting my family to be whole again. I know we both made many mistakes and it wasn't all me. I even thought about being the one to break up with my W at some points but I believe all the causes were fixable and mainly a lack of open comunication I always feared she would leave so avoided confrontation.
I know that was a mistake now.

As for coaching I would have done it already except I am in Australia and don't really know how to set it up and phone calls would cost more then the coaching.

If there are online chat options or something I am all for it.

[Vanilla]

Albac

There are a number of issues in your sitch.

Have you read DB and DR?

Many of your questions are answered in those books.

DB is for you, not your R.

The main thrust is to put you in the place where you are doing that which is right for you. That which works for you.

Sandis rules are important at this stage as a guideline. I had mine laminated.

Getting your W back isn't the key here, you may achieve this only to retraced the loop again in another few years time.

The main aim is you and your growth and development.

V

[Cristy]

Hello Albac,

Thank you Accuray for the vote of confidence regarding the DB Coaching. I love your analogy!

People from all over the world call our office and work with DB Coaches, especially Australia. Finding a calling card or calling plan might help with the cost of the actual phone call. Do some online research and see what you are most comfortable with.

There are ways to deal with the logistics of all of this. We just need to get a little creative.

Cristy
Resource Coordinator
The Divorce Busting Center
303-444-7004

[albac]

Thanks Cristy,

I will try to find a way to get in touch and get some help.

V I have ordered the DB book but it has not arrived yet so I haven't been able to read it. I read Sandi's rules daily and try to stick to them.

The biggest problem I have right now is I feel if I follow the rules I will be pushing my W away but I understand that is needed for my own protection and for her to actually feel a loss.

Thanks,
Albac

[Vanilla]

Albac

A great deal of this is counter intuitive.

The opposite of that which you might think.

There are some free first chapters of the book on the site. They are included in Cadets links

V