Today I set myself some new goals, the ups and downs are particularity rough, yesterday was probably one of my worse as I'm starting to slowly come to the terms that I can't control what my W is doing, only what I can do. I had been doing everything wrong for 6 months, gifts, succumbing to her demands and requests... if only you guys knew of the mistakes I've made in the last 6 months (too painful to bring some of them up here).
So here are my goals:
Perform at work Be the best Dad possible for D Take care of the house - (Clean/projects etc.) Exercise daily Pray daily Meet friends 1x a week Resist temptation to talk to W Avoid snooping and watching
It's not easy and already I've probably failed at 2 of them today. But need to persist and thrive!
I believe the biggest struggle I still have (and have received conflicting advice both on this board and externally) is how much to detach vs. being present to her when she reaches out. In the lighthouse story it says to "be the light" and my Pastor says to let her "see Jesus" through me, if I detach completely and go dark - the light won't shine and she won't see Jesus. I definitely agree though that I can't be a doormat no longer and need to setup some boundaries and have around any type of "family" events.
Me: 40 W: 45 T: 13, M: 11 1 D: 9
Suspect A 6/15 ILBINILWY 8/15, and 3/16 EA/PA Discovered 3/16 EA admitted 3/16 W Moved out 4/16 W opens R talk and says A over 1/17
Better day today after 2 rough ones... W had her first "visitation" last night and left after D went to bed. We agreed to tell her this weekend.
Can't get the OM out of my mind, also suspect there's a bit of MLC going on... one of the things that eats at me is the age difference between them - OM is 11 years younger then W who's in her mid 40's, (I'm younger too but by less than half that) do you think that will matter over time? I can't help but think he'll wake up and see that as a challenge (especially if he wants kids some day)... he recently had a D (or is in the process) to his W who was a few years younger than he was, only know what my W has told me about him.
Me: 40 W: 45 T: 13, M: 11 1 D: 9
Suspect A 6/15 ILBINILWY 8/15, and 3/16 EA/PA Discovered 3/16 EA admitted 3/16 W Moved out 4/16 W opens R talk and says A over 1/17
I believe the biggest struggle I still have (and have received conflicting advice both on this board and externally) is how much to detach vs. being present to her when she reaches out. In the lighthouse story it says to "be the light" and my Pastor says to let her "see Jesus" through me, if I detach completely and go dark - the light won't shine and she won't see Jesus. I definitely agree though that I can't be a doormat no longer and need to setup some boundaries and have around any type of "family" events.
I understand what the Pastor is saying, but I also know that she will not see Jesus in you if she disrespects you.
DBing detachment is so much more than most people's ideas of detaching. It is one's attitude. It is a way of thinking.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
So interesting turn of events tonight... W texted me that she needed to pick up some stuff at the house and wanted to say goodnight to D, at the same time I got invited to go out with a guy friend... so I seized the opportunity and asked her if she'd be willing to watch D for a while. She agreed... I was conflicted here, part of me wants to GAL and show her I've got friends too, part of me didn't want to let her come home and respect the boundaries... anyways when I got home she brought up at the end of her 2 week stint, if I'd be open to her coming back to sleep in the spare room... I told her I'd have to think about it as she walked out on me and she hasn't shown any remorse for the A (which she started to deny again tonight).
So question for the group - if given the choice to have a W who's probably having an A as an "in house separation" vs. "Physical separation" what would you go for?
In house - she can at least see me detaching more and giving her the space she needs and also gives access to D but is this giving her too much cake and compromising our boundaries? or does it open the door? She hasn't indicated she wants to work on the R so I think she just wants to take advantage of the free room.
She tried to argue it's her house too and she's paying for it.
Me: 40 W: 45 T: 13, M: 11 1 D: 9
Suspect A 6/15 ILBINILWY 8/15, and 3/16 EA/PA Discovered 3/16 EA admitted 3/16 W Moved out 4/16 W opens R talk and says A over 1/17
IDK Pac. Just as you I can see the pros and cons to both. Thinking rationally, I would say detaching is shown much more by saying no. But I know the allure of having them closer so you can show off just how much you changed. Unfortunately, if she is rebellious IDT she cares about your changes right now. I think seeing that you have become a better person will infuriate her. WWs see no goodness in us, just contempt. It also makes it easier on her and harder on you. No rent, no problem. Yet she will always be around to see you low moments. Therefore, despite the allure, I would have to say no, I don't think it is a good idea, especially when she is in denial mode.
Me 41 W 33 M 2013 Suspect A 11/15 Confirm A 1/16 She moved out 2/14/16 Stepson 13 Stepson 16
yeah I'm really struggling with this one - then there's the financial side of too (which I'm sure she's thinking about as well) since her rent is coming out the shared account right now (which is only fair since she's still paying part of the mortgage too). Not that we can't afford it, but it's wasted money if you know what I mean and we both hate wasting money.
Me: 40 W: 45 T: 13, M: 11 1 D: 9
Suspect A 6/15 ILBINILWY 8/15, and 3/16 EA/PA Discovered 3/16 EA admitted 3/16 W Moved out 4/16 W opens R talk and says A over 1/17
Sandi is pretty clear where she stands on this and she knows her stuff.
I see it as ultimate cake eating. She either comes back for the whole package or she doesn't. hShe should not be allowed dictate the terms of her coming back.
As a minimum she needs to commit to nc with OM, full transparency andto work on M. I would insist on MB, but don't expect intimacy. If she agrees ye have a chance. If she doesn't you know you were right to avoid in house separation by letting her back.
Next on your list could be separating your finances.
Good luck.
R 25 years M 14 years S11 & S13 Working on it alone since Oct 2014 M in trouble a lot earlier (~2 years) Feb 2016. 1st R chat in a yr. Next R chat Aug'17 Still together
I agree, there is definitely pros and cons for both.
In house does give them to see the changes in you, and still see you getting by with kid just fine. The first time my h did this and then came back, he said that seeing me getting by and being a great mom is what made him second guessing. You've just got to be really careful and stick to your boundaries as although we were in seperate rooms- there was occasions we would have sex.
In a way i see her as cake eating, but at the same time I see a woman who is starting to second guess her decisions and wants to keep her family close for fear of loosing them
Me 26 H 25 M 4 T 5 Baby born 4/14 BD: 1/15 EA: 2/15 PA: 4/15 reconciling: 4/15 ILYBINILWY- 11/15 ILY-1/16 ILYBNILWY 4/16 ILY 6/16 ILYBINILWY 6/16 Baby due 3/17 BD 8/16
In house or separate residences is a very tough question. My WW and I have been in house separated. I thought this was the way to go for a number of reasons, primarily she gets to see changes on a daily basis, I continue to see my D3 on a daily basis and I didn't want to commit to a 6 month or year lease for an apartment because our problems our solvable if WW was willing to try.
Reality has followed the script. Although WW sees the changes she uses them against me. For example, she says that I care about going to church more than I care about D3 because D3 cried for me not to leave one night. WW projects her anger on me and even says that my hello to her is snappy and mean.
Although I continue to see D3 on daily basis, WW turns that on me as well. Any time my D3 cries that she wants Daddy or misses Daddy, WW highlights how she is a martyr for trying to give me time with D3 because D3 needs it. She completely ignores the fact that she takes D3 away every other weekend and does stuff with D3 in her room to exclude me as factors in D3 reaction. My WW also says I spend less time with D3, mind you, my schedule has not changed nor has the time I spend with my D3. In fact, I spend much more quality time with D3 reading stories, playing, pretending and going to the play ground. In contrast, WW sits D3 in front of the TV while she talks on the computer.
Lastly, I didn't want to spend the money. I now think it would have been cheaper to rent than divorce. WW continues to say we have no hope for R without the separation. I tend to agree with her now. It is clear that we have no hope without a clear separation because her anger and resentment cloud all of her interactions with me. She absolutely refuses to let go of it and I don't see that happening with me around.
This has been my experience and why I regret the in house separation. However, I must add that this is a very personal decision and will be unique to each person's sitch.
I wish you wisdom to make the right choice for you and your family. Vaya con dios.
Me:44 W:38 T:10.5 M:7.5 D:3 BD: 7/2015 W moves out of MBR: 9/2015 WW files for D: 2/8/2016
My H is home and wants to be alone but has not made a move to leave. He is having an EA with an old hs GF who contacted him on FB. They are both about to be 50. I went through this 10 yrs ago when he turned 40...PA and filed for D. He wanted to reconcile and we did. He hasn't mentioned leaving but yet does apartment searches (I am bad...check computers and texts/calls) and tells me he loves me after I say it first. I am so conflicted. We have a good family and a good marriage. We don't argue. I am trying hard to ignore his behavior and move on with my life but I keep wanting to call him on the carpet for contacting OW after he told me it would stop. Trust is a major factor for me right now, yet my anxiety has me projecting the future. Somebody stop me! PacLove, I have had a 6 month sep outside the home and now we are still sharing a home/bed etc.. Both are hard. I am keeping the fact that he is home, telling me he is committed to our marriage in the front of my mind. I still am having a hard time with that because I hate that he continues to talk to OW.
