The sorrow of it all

[TxHubby]

Here's one for the sign gurus. As we know, signs come in many, many different forms - from what's said/not said to dreams to seeing things. Back when we were dating, Harley put a San Fransisco 49er sticker on my car as a joke...over this past week, I have seen that same sticker on a car four, maybe five times now. Sign or coincidence?

I love these kinds of discussions...

As I've gotten older and more experienced in life I firmly believe that there are no coincidences. It's always the universe talking to us. Chalking things up to coincidence is one of our ways of not listening.

[Dawgs]

Interesting take, Tx.

Funny that the things we brush off as coincidence. I can remember a few years ago when the ex-wife and I went over to a friends house after a Navy ball when we were stationed far off...and in the main bed room was a painting - same type that Harley had in her place back then. I remember thinking now that's a coincidence and brushed it off as just that.

I didn't mean to bring here up, but that was just an example. This is a very interesting topic. How do dreams fall into that for you?

[TxHubby]

That bedroom "coincidence" is just what I was talking about. Once you raise your level of awareness to things like this you'll be really surprised....and happy. You'll realize the universe (God) has you covered, always shows you the right path for your life, and all you have to do is open your mind and look for the signs. Just a few years ago I would have laughed in someone's face if they had said any of this to me. Then I opened my mind and had a "holy sh*t" moment and life has been awesome ever since. Never ignore the signs or dismiss "coincidences."

[Dawgs]

Interesting line of thinking, TxHubby, and thanks for stopping by!

I've always thought that things happen for a reason. I must admit, during the process of the divorce and the time leading up to it, I questioned the reasoning behind it all.

There have been some holy sh*t moments for me, too. Ever seen the Matrix? Kind of like that cat scene. Some just stick out like that. Like a license plate from a certain county several states away - for example, throughout the time leading up to the divorce when I'd drive to/from work (I had to travel 95 a bit) it would never fail that once a week or so I'd see a license plate from the county/state we were married in (which is 3 states away)...and for the life of me, I could never figure it out and thought that maybe since it was where we were married, its a sign of things turning out ok. Now, maybe I'm thinking its more like completing the circle and a sign of the end. Who knows.

I never do any reading into signs and stuff. Some I still chalk up to coincidence, but dang if you don't have me thinking more now.

That bedroom "coincidence" is just what I was talking about. Once you raise your level of awareness to things like this you'll be really surprised....and happy. You'll realize the universe (God) has you covered, always shows you the right path for your life, and all you have to do is open your mind and look for the signs. Just a few years ago I would have laughed in someone's face if they had said any of this to me. Then I opened my mind and had a "holy sh*t" moment and life has been awesome ever since. Never ignore the signs or dismiss "coincidences."

[Dawgs]

Minor update time.

Lately I've been reading the threads in this great forum. Lot of awesome help here! I want to once again give a shout out to all the help I've received during my crisis time.

There is absolutely nothing left of the old ex anymore. Nothing. Our relationship centers around the kids now. She has completely washed her hands on the marriage and anything to do with it. But now, I'm ok with that. Oh, she is friendly and there are flashes of how she used to be when we were dating, but that's it. I no longer trust anything she says, either. But she does have her moments.

My focus is solely on the kids and me. Have been working out much more and haven't been in this great of shape since my 30's. Did a recent 5k in 21 flat! Have also put on a good bit of muscle, too. I feel spectacular. I have really gotten back into my hobbies (well, as much as I can after the kids go to sleep, but that's ok). I'm not going out as much as I'd like, but that's ok, too. I'm in a great, great place now. And very happy. Well, as happy as one can be considering.

Now, for the newly oft-talked about Harley. Our coms have increased to fairly regularly now and she will be making a visit come December. Looks like the final questions will be answered. Am both nervous and scared about that, but I guess that's to be expected. She coordinated her time to coincide with the week that the kids will be at their moms...so she will be here for four days. I must say that I was shocked and surprised.

Honestly, I'm not sure what I want to come out of this. We had an in-depth discussion of my marriage/divorce and she knows it all. She never rubbed it in about my ex's infidelity - not once, instead it was more like a sorry you went through that type of thing.

Maybe she is coming to finally find out. If we pick up where we left off, then maybe that's what should have been all along. Oh, and she is coming alone - when I asked about the someone she wanted me to meet, she said that was for another time.

[MrBond]

Besides the Gal, how much of DR have you been doing in terms of understanding how the marriage fell apart? You still seemed to blame a lot of the shortcomings on her. Leads to a lot of resentment.

[Dawgs]

Besides the Gal, how much of DR have you been doing in terms of understanding how the marriage fell apart? You still seemed to blame a lot of the shortcomings on her. Leads to a lot of resentment.

Hi 007 (had to do it :D) - thanks for stopping by!

I've done a good bit. I realize that we both contributed - after all, it takes two. However, with the circumstances in our situation are a fair bit different than normal, so-to-speak. With that said, she left out a huge chunk of her past...and knowing now how the abuse affected her and the way she handled things, I have no doubt that we wouldn't be in this place. Well, let me take that back a little - I'm not quite sure she was cut out for married life and all the tests/trials that go along with it. She has/had this image of how marriage should be based on her grandparent's marriage - which, by the way, was a fairytale (her grandmother told me that they made sure to portray one image in front of them - if you recall, their grandparents rescued them - because of what they had been through and that their "normal" marriage occurred behind closed doors. That led my ex to believe marriages are perfect and don't have problems.

It seems that she puts the men in her relationship life on a pedestal and compares them to her grandfather, who she thought was perfect (once again, what was shown in front of the kids was different than real life). Don't get me wrong, some of it was true but some was them putting their best foot forward and not a true representation of real life.

So, that's a major strike right off the bat. In a now deleted thread of mine, I spoke of how the ex admitted to leaving behind relationships as soon things didn't go her way.

And then there are the relationships tied to the abusive past. The bad boys who treated her like shite. She took in anyone and everyone out of what seems like desperation - the need to be "loved," or maybe given attention is a better word for it. In one of our sessions, my ex spoke of changing who she was to fit the current situation - which, I guess was a "survival" mechanism. My counselor - who was ours, too - talked of how women who were as abused as her (her case goes far, far beyond abuse and its a wonder that she functions as well as she does now) who would seek out those bad boys because they need that drama. I'm not a bad boy. But the guy she had the affair is and had a criminal record for - get this - abuse.

So you see, there was a lot left out that I had no idea happened. The ex had said that I should have known, but how could I? She doesn't accept her role in things - its all my fault, even the affair...according to her. And that is where the shortcomings you mentioned come into play.

Now, the question is that had I known ahead of time would I have still married her? That thought has popped in my head quite a bit. Given what I know now, and discovered recently just exactly what she has been doing over the years, I would say that if it weren't for the kids the answer is I don't know - however, I can't do hypotheticals because I have two wonderful children who are my entire world. The deck was stacked against me from the start - as I have said many times, had I known from the beginning things would be different.

She isn't a bad person but she has so many issues that not even she knows. Sure, I can accept my part but that comes with an asterisk due to her past.

[Dawgs]

Minor update time.

So, not much has been going on with me. There have been some questions about the marriage and how I feel about it and all.

Honestly, I'm in a good place now. It took me from early 2015 to within the past few months to get there. Some say the marriage was a sham - those close to me do - based on me not being told of her past. But me, I don't think so. I realize it was a product of her past. She still has so much stuff so closely guarded. Sigh. It is what it is.

I think I fully understand why things happened, now. Of course, I accept the blame in my part. Doesn't make it any easier, though. I can honestly say that I feel that she wasn't ready or cut out for it. And yes, there is some resentment and anger over how it went. That, I don't know how to get past.

Now, I'm doing my best to be a good Dad and shield them from her craziness.

There are times when we talk that it seems like nothing has happened and we were like years before. There are times when she reminds me so much of her old self. And there are times when I don't even know her.

Honestly, I don't know what I'd do if she were to revert to her old self and want to try again. I do think that before I'd even consider a second go-around she would have to undergo serious counseling. But, I think that's been a dead horse - she knows how to buck the system..after all, she's remained in the military for 20 years...

Would I? I don't know.

[Dawgs]

I think that this Christmas is going to be difficult. The ex is still holding firm to her selfish belief that it's good for the kids, even when they are starting to show signs of cracking. I am starting to dislike Christmas now.

Maybe things do happen for a reason, and I think that Harley Quinn came in at the right time for me. Not that I am making future plans, because I don't even know my own self. But it sure is nice to have someone excited enough who wants to call/message me on their own without having to be prompted in some form.

I don't know what I want from Harley. I'm not even sure where this will go. But this is all so reminiscent of when she was in Iraq - our messages/calls are back to that level again. I do think she understands my mindset - and my issues on trust. Harley has been my voice of reason over these past few months or so now, and has settled me in ways I haven't been in a long time.

And yes, the trip is definitely on and she is coming this month. I'm excited but scared at the same time. She won't be around the kids - I'm not ready for that and she is very understanding. Maybe this is what I really need, or maybe its just what I need right now. I've been upfront with her and yet she is still coming. Dang its nice to actually be thought of and wanted to be seen.

[Dawgs]

Had a great conversation with a co-worker today who is in the same boat as we are. I pointed her in this site's direction and she has lurked but may/may not join.

Listening to her talk brought up a lot of the memories of where I was a year ago, which is about where she is now. She's done a much better job of DBing than I did, but our situations are much, much different. However, hers is responding much like mine did - pulling away even more. I feel for her. She's a good soul.

I realize that my marriage has long been dead and it's in the rearview now. There is a reason the windshield is much bigger than the rearview mirror. It just took me forever to realize that. Although I'm going through another door now, my ex will always be with me, whether I want her to or not.

And that's one of the things that we have to realize. We also must realize that (unless we were a total a** or the like) even though it takes two, it isn't our fault. That took me the longest to learn. For the longest, I felt that it was my fault and really beat myself up...but it took an outside look at her and her past to make me see that it wasn't. I don't hold most of what she did against her, although I'm not sure if some things are totally unforgivable, either. I have a hard enough time with trust as it is, and I'm cursed with a memory that never forgets.

However, now, I'm excited about the possibilities that exist on the other side of the single door. Now, I'm not sure I want another relationship of that magnitude anymore - at least not yet anyway. But everybody needs someone, eh? That's why I'm so excited, yet nervous, about Harley coming to visit. December 17 is when I will meet her at the airport. Oh man that's coming fast. I feel like a freaking school kid...