My story: I am 34, my wife is 35. We have 3 boys together ages 10, 8, and 5. we met in high school and dated for 6 years before getting married and were married for 11 years. She was a stay at home mom and I worked.
Our marriage was normal, lots of ups and downs along the way, but nothing major, and lots of our friends looked up to us and how we were a poster couple. But, Towards the last few years of our marriage, things took a sharp turn. We started to detach, I held on way too tightly and she put up a wall. the distance between us started to grow deeper and deeper as time went on. At the End of our "first round of marriage" she started an EA with a guy at the gym. This was the final straw for us and as we tried to work through it together, things got raw, and we physically separated.
I moved out into an apartment and we filed for divorce. She ended up dating him for roughly 7 months and I started dating other women too.
After being separated for 8 months we decided to give us another try. We both cut off the other people. Took a very short break and now We have been reconnecting for 7 months. I moved back into the house with her about 6 weeks ago, and it has NOT been a smooth transition. I still have the apartment with all my stuff in it. She says that she wants to us to make it, that she is committed to our marriage. But every step of the way is a struggle. For example, when we started moving my stuff back into the house. She broke down and cried and said that it's too soon. Some days she want me to move back in completely and talks about getting rid of the appt. Other days she wants me to move back out.
Recently she has fallen into a deep depression. And she is taking me on a roller coaster ride. One day she is very much into me and other days she is repulsed. She often says that she misses the single life that she had. That she misses her ex (the gym guy) and his children and his family and friends. They have no contact now. She says she feels sad, and hopeless with no direction in life. And that she feels guilty for not being capable of being available to me. She is working part time now, but it bothers her that she can't support herself on the income that she is making currently, but she doesn’t want to work full time due to our youngest child not being in school. Other times, she speaks about OUR future together, going on vacation here or there. Future purchases and fun things.
We have both been seeking counseling sporadically, together and as individuals. there is a lot of hurt and mistrust on both of our parts that we have been working through. 4 weeks ago, after months of me gently poking, she has started going to church with me and the boys, and now, she has made it a priority to go every week.
As far as I have I read, she fits the description of a walk away wife and as I see it, she may be on the verge of walking away again. I have made tons of changes in the last year or so. And she has commented several times, that she has noticed the changes. That I am a good person now, a great father etc. But she just can't seem to shake the fear that things will slide back to what it was. We have been making progress, slow progress on this journey together. But it is hard and filled with pain. Happiness just seems so out of reach at times. I am doing my best to support her emotionally and to be patient. And she keeps saying the I love you and care about you deeply, but I'm not in love with you.
Some of the recent ups that have happened is that her family and best friend have begun to accept me again. Her dad and I are on speaking terms again. Her brother and I hung out over the weekend for a few hours and had a great time. Her best friend is now speaking to me again on a limited basis and says that she wants to put the past into the past. All of these people had left me for dead for a year when we split and refused to talk to me. And her attending church with me. So I guess that a good sign. This all happened in the last 3 weeks.
The bad signs, are that she refuses to be around my family, and doesn’t want to build any bridges with them at this time. And she often says that she wants to be left alone by everyone. When she gets the alone time, she cries non stop. So, I just don’t know where to go from here. I ordered the divorce busters book and it should be arriving next week. ( I wish there was an ebook ) hint, hint.
Do I stay at the house and continue to give her the space she needs, which apparently isn't enough. (it's hard with 3 kids) or do I move back out and give her more space. I don’t want to move back out, it took long enough to get back in this time. But I don’t want her to lose her patience and bailout all together in a moment of weakness or a fit of anger.
I've been playing the cat and mouse game of letting her lead, letting her pursue me and when she grows distant, I back off. But I'm growing tired of playing games. It's been a back and forth for months now. She says that she wants this to work, but judging by her actions, she hasn’t fully 100% committed yet. Sometimes I come on too strong when things are going well. And sometimes I'm harsh when things aren't going well. Believe it or not I'm human too.
I've seen slow but steady progress in a 2 steps forward 1 step back fashion, sometimes 3 steps forward and 157 steps back. Things seem to be lining up for us, if we can get over this hump. But it seems like there is always another hump to get over. How long until she gets out of this depression? How long until happily ever after for us? What can I do?
This depression she is in, seems that she never took the time during our separation to work on herself. That she wanted this other guy to save her from her personal hell. But now he's gone, she still missing him a little bit yet, and her problems are all still there. She says that she wanted to reconcile with me, but that once we started, the reconnection never happened for her. That now it all feels forced and fake. We are considering physically separating again. I will definitely give her the time that she needs (within reason, several months perhaps a year) to get herself to where she needs to be. I'm also really torn over physically separating again or a shared home separation, which is basically where we are at, at this point I guess. If I leave then I need to get back in again and It leaves space between us to wander away permanently, but If I do leave, then It will give her much more space, primarily speaking without the children there ( 50/50 custody) and It should give her more time alone to think and deal with everything. But on the other hand, she may come to enjoy having the break from the children and want to keep that break permanently. Not to mention the added confusion it will cause the children of mommy and daddy are off again on again.
We talked tonight about giving the current situation a little more time before we would make a decision. Mostly due to me being out of state 2 weeks from now for several days, due to my employment. (me being out of town rarely happens) and for us to stop pretending that we are a couple for the time being and just cohabitate.
Last edited by Cadet; 04/04/1611:51 AM. Reason: Carriage returns for readability
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
First of all, I'm so sorry for the situation you are in.
It is good that you are back in the house. It isn't surprising that she is down after ending her affair. She could be grieving the loss of that relationship. Focus on being the best e04355 and Dad that only a fool would leave.
You are at a very fragile point in this relationship and it would be extremely helpful to know what your next move should be. Please call me to discuss our DB coaching program at 303-444-7004.
Cristy Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004
A Divorce Busting Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.
Email virginia@divorcebusting.com or 303-444-7004 for more information or to get started right away.
i have submitted myself to God and now I have been given a new peaceful calm the last few days. i still love her very much, but i am not letting ever changing opinion of me control my mood anymore. i have become much less needy too. i let her text/ call first. and i dont sit at work checking my phone every 10 seconds to see if she texted me or not. another thing, her depression seems to be lifting somewhat. hopefull its on the way out permently and not just a little lift.
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
It seems textbook after an a.. And I think part of a problem with a spouse depressed is they rely on others to bring their happiness and the buzz they get at the start of an r is what they interpret to be their happiness so they think they are cured and the cycle starts again. They don't learn what we learn about being responsible for our own happiness.
My h did the same for us to fall back into this, the depression he seems to be in- he seems to blame upon me. He didn't have this during his a so it HAS to be me (rolls eyes)
I'd say absolutely don't leave. Stay put and stay level headed.
Me 26 H 25 M 4 T 5 Baby born 4/14 BD: 1/15 EA: 2/15 PA: 4/15 reconciling: 4/15 ILYBINILWY- 11/15 ILY-1/16 ILYBNILWY 4/16 ILY 6/16 ILYBINILWY 6/16 Baby due 3/17 BD 8/16
I agree. Stay put, and try to have fun. Don't always talk about the M. Don't pressure. Validate. Read Sandi's rules. Be kind and forgiving. It's hard to forgive, but you'll have to. Can your pastor/minister/priest help?
11/4/15 W revealed EA/2 months later became PA with co-worker Reconciling since late April 2016 Don't give up until it's time, then move on Be patient, strong and kind but never a doormat
I join the others in welcoming you to the community. I am familiar with some of the things your W may be experiencing. I had an Internet A several years ago. I have stuck around to hopefully pay forward the help I received.
If your W has recently broken up with the OM, then what she is feeling is similar to what an addict feels when they go through withdrawals. When she was living the single life, she was on an emotional "high". Affairs are extremely addictive, and when ended, the AP will want to get a fix......which would, for them, mean contacting each other. She is feeling this depression b/c she is going through this withdrawal period.
For her to say she still misses OM and his family, and for her to have a bad attitude toward you......is not a good way to jumpstart a new relationship together.
My advice would be for you to not move in with her, until she gets through this period. If she still has a wayward heart, it won't take long for you to see it. Her poor treatment of you is a sure sign that she's not ready to try another round of the MR. It's better to wait longer and have her feeling as if she can't live another day without you, than you trying to move in with her saying she wished you weren't there. To move in, while she doesn't want you.....is not a good situation, and it will cause a tremendous amount of resentment from her.
I commend you for working on yourself, but you if you were under the impression that she was going to work on herself while separated.....you were sadly mistaken. When a woman is in an A and leaves her M for the OM, or to date others.......it's not to work on herself! Sorry, but wayward women just don't do it. It sounds as if she enjoyed the single life and not at all sure she wants to end it.
I'm afraid you are in a for a world of hurt, if you go back right now. Staying separated and seeing a family therapist while getting more issues ironed out before living together....may give the MR a better chance.
Did she not have to work at all, while separated from you?
How did the two of you get along when both were dating other people?
How long a break did you take between ending the dating and going back together?
I hope you'll stick with us, and post every chance you get.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
